SAHM- DH wanting to give me ‘routines’ and ‘duties’

[SummerDuck]

So I’m a SAHM with DS1 (15), DS2 (9) and DD (3). DH works full time. He has recently started moaning about how I’m not doing enough around the house.

DD is at home full time other than being at nursery one day a week. I do most of the cooking, cleaning and general household admin. However, DH has said there is no not enough ‘output’. He therefore wants to introduce ‘routines’ and ‘duties’ whereby he will set out what needs to be done on a particular day and carry out checks upon returning from work.

So Monday will be garden day for example and the lawn will need to be mowed and leaves sweeped. Tuesday will be bathroom cleaning day and so on.

Is this level of micromanagement normal for SAHPs and should I just be grateful?

After several years of reading some strange stories on Mumsnet.com
This is unique. I wonder why?

And what happens if you fail his after-work-inspection?

A sudden change in behaviour like that screams mistress / midlife crisis to me. Or has he always been an entitled arsehole?

Holy fuck no!
I do believe in some circles people seek out stepford wives. If my DH was on a group of people who all did this with their wives he would think they are dicks, not move to join them.

OP - fuck off would be a sensible response to his twat like ideas

I’d think I’d tell him to f….off!!!
cheeky twunt

this is very good advice

To be honest I wouldn't mess around with making spreadsheets and costing what you do and where he is lacking. I'd just ask him if he wants to get divorced as he disrespects you so much. And it is incredibly disrespectful. I earn more than twice what my husband does and wouldn't dream of leaving him a 'to do list' of chores. We are partners and we share jobs.

And I don't believe for a moment that his colleagues do those things either. I work with very senior men and women - Exec Committee and Board members - and they absolutely don't treat their partners like this.

OP, tell him to fuck off. He's lying to you.

How is what he's doing not essential? Money to house, feed etc everyone is absolutely essential.

Of course he could work without her. Many parents work full time without a SAHP.

@CrazyArmadilloLady Typos and that number of children indicates to me someone who can't read well enough to work out how to take the Pill.

I told my dh, early in our relationship that I was his wife, not his employee. And that the correct way to greet me when he arrived home was to ask how my day was and kiss me, not proffer constructive criticism or conduct a performance review.

I wasn’t impressed at needing to spell that out but I didn’t have to tell him twice.

I think you need to firmly establish some boundaries here.

But, I will add that (speaking as a sahm) we check in with each others schedules every morning, (what have you got on today?) and check what we can do to help each other out. Being aware of the pressures and struggles we each have going on is pretty essential to our partnership. And sometimes when I’m struggling to motivate myself to do something I will ask him to check back with me, for some accountability.

As hilarious as some of the suggestions are on this thread, it does sound like you both might need to do some serious communication about expectations and realities. Being a sahm without respect and trust isn’t tenable.

This made me laugh WAY too hard! I almost shot Pepsi out my nose.
😆😲👏

Why are you just posting rewording your OP and not actually interacting with any responses?

I assume you are ignorant about the cost of even part time domestic support?

No no no no no thats not normal.

@Okshacky

You think 'domestic support'

Out earns a finance lawyer?

This would be a definite no for me. I was a SAHM for 8 years while DH worked full time. Certainly during that time we both had our frustrations with how much and what one another did, but we were able to acknowledge that neither of us had any idea what the others day to day life entitled. Things improved when I went back to work.

I highly doubt that senior executives in a FS company are discussing the minutiae of domestic life. I worked in FS in the City before children, just can’t see it. If so, perhaps he could instead lead a culture of speaking positively about spouses?

Some of your off time should have been spent learning reading comprehension. What part of child number three, DD(3) was above you?
Also, I assume you meant to write "cleaning" before and child care?

And it's "you're", not your or yore. Learn the difference.
Oh, and here's your medal.
HTH

Unfortunately she’s not going anywhere.

This is what happens when women give up their career and independence to stay at home while their husbands forge successful careers. They get so dependent that it’s just not feasible to leave. The fact she has to ask on mumsnet if this makes sense is a worrying sign.

Many women would tell their husbands hell no rather than come to mumsnet asking first.

I would pretend to go along with it and then on lawn day just do the lawn and nothing else. Like no tidying up, none of his washing, no food for him (feed the kids). Let him come home to a hell hole but say "yes but you asked me to do the lawn so I did it to inspection standards. I can't watch our toddler, do the lawn and then do anything else, it takes the whole day to do the lawn while looking after a toddler at the same time. Perhaps at the weekend, you can show me how to do it all?"

I think you should be too busy consulting a solicitor on Monday to follow the suggested routind.

And so he wants to manage you like one of his analysts at work?

The fact he is discussing what you do at home with his colleagues is very very disrespectful and shows what he thinks of you.

Who knows what her intention was in posting. She hasn't engaged in the thread or responded to anyone. Sometimes people post about topics they know will get a rise out of the board.

Well clearly it's not getting done or else he wouldn't need the checklist.

He'd need to earn close to $250K or more just to pay all of those salaries. Gardener, nanny, housekeeper, chauffeur, cook, laundress. If one of the kids become ill, add in nursing. If you pay the bills, accountant. It adds up quickly. Taking messages for DH? Add in secretary. I am sure I am forgetting some....