SAHM- DH wanting to give me ‘routines’ and ‘duties’

[SummerDuck]

So I’m a SAHM with DS1 (15), DS2 (9) and DD (3). DH works full time. He has recently started moaning about how I’m not doing enough around the house.

DD is at home full time other than being at nursery one day a week. I do most of the cooking, cleaning and general household admin. However, DH has said there is no not enough ‘output’. He therefore wants to introduce ‘routines’ and ‘duties’ whereby he will set out what needs to be done on a particular day and carry out checks upon returning from work.

So Monday will be garden day for example and the lawn will need to be mowed and leaves sweeped. Tuesday will be bathroom cleaning day and so on.

Is this level of micromanagement normal for SAHPs and should I just be grateful?

Nah, this is a load of old tosh. Super high earning city types with stay at home wives all have nannies / cleaners / housekeepers / gardeners / PAs etc to help them. It would be pretty frowned upon to have your wife doing everything - looks like you can't afford help.

I'm sure that you are a decent adult and you've brought up two older children already. I'm sure that you can see what needs doing in your house and garden and that you tend to those chores accordingly, plus obv looking after/entertaining your younger child.
Therefore, I would tell him to fuck off being a dictator.
It's not normal. It's controlling and manipulative.

There is a set amount I think that employers can deduct from wages for board and lodging and it's not very much (this comes up in the context of live in nannies sometimes). A live in nanny would usually expect food to be provided.

If an employee accompanies an employer on holiday to perform duties like childcare, it's usual for the employer to pay all expenses.

So a lot of what he's paying for would be provided to an employee in this context anyway. With their salary on top.

It doesn't matter whether you're convinced or not - even if every single stay at home wife of every partner at law firms in the world gave their wives chore lists, that still doesn't mean you have to accept that for you.

I'd insert his chore list in a place where it would give him some very painful paper cuts.

I imagine OP actually does more around the house than would appear on a chore list anyway. I would be so torn between malicious compliance by doing what’s on the list but only what’s on the list, or telling him that he isn’t the boss of me and to fuck away off.

I’m not a SAHM though, and would agree to my husband staying home because I know he’s not cut out for it.

Well, OP, ideally your garden has a patio and you are not too overlooked by the neighbours.

I.... have never heard of this before. He must have "lucked" into a unique professional environment. What I HAVE heard of, amongst high-earning men is that the men try to get out of any help with the hands-on work of family life, spending all their time either on their Brilliant Career or on their Hobbies. The women then become very bitter at being left with all the drudgery aspects of their "shared" life. Then either they get divorced or hire out some of the housework. But the man assigning chores to his wife? No. That is not something I have heard of. Not it being successful, anyway. They can try, I suppose.

If you have a 15 year old, I am guessing you have been carrying the drudgework at home for a long time, presumably to the exclusion of a career. Possibly, long enough that your husband feels if he drops this sort of controlling behavior on you, you have no other option than to accept it, because you have no way to extricate yourself from the relationship.

Also, being a lawyer, I bet he knows any local lawyer you might try to hire to represent you in a divorce.

How are you supposed to mow the lawn while watching a three year old? Doesn't your husband know that as soon as your back is turned, the three year old is probably going to do something dangerous? Wait, strike that, I already know the answer.

Meh. You have now spoken to hundreds of women on the internet and only one weird one and one jealous one actually believe him.... They probably like Jacob Rees Mogg as well.

But the real question is - how on earth do you manage to have sex with him? Doesn't your minge seal up in the presence of such an utter twunt?

I mean, he can write all the lists he likes, he can check them how often he likes, but...

"all the other dads are doing it"

Oh aye they are, are they 🙄

Before you even consider it, he needs to take a week off work to look after your children alone and demonstrate the standard of this additional work which he expects. You can go out every morning (don't prep a single thing for him), then come home and 'inspect' his work in the evenings. Obviously he'll need to do your typical evening / overnight duties too during this time (I'm guessing he's the type of man who leaves all the chores to you of an evening...?)

fuck him

But the real question is - how on earth do you manage to have sex with him? Doesn't your minge seal up in the presence of such an utter twunt?

Oh mumsnet, I live for these comments 😂

Have RTFT

What stands out to me is that his sudden dissatisfaction in this relationship, which presumably has been okay for just over 15 years as that is the age of your DS, is "recent".

Suddenly everything is strangely conditional and transactional.....

Do you know any of his colleagues, or their wives?

Has he recently changed firms or is there a new boss? Jordan Peterson perhaps? Sorry to be flippant but it's all a bit ideological / surrendered wife territory .....

Because honestly it sounds like he's almost setting you up for a fall, as surely no half rational bloke could see this working without it killing any sort of romantic relationship.

Personally, and I admit to being a cynical post menopausal harridan, I'd be getting an exit strategy in place to protect myself.

I wish you luck OP - this does not sound normal at all, and I would worry that if his expectations aren't met, he'll be using your inability or unwillingness to comply as a way to paint himself as the victim, as in benevolent breadwinner versus uncooperative spouse.....

I think you need to do some digging .....

I see what you did there.

No, absolutely don't fuck him.

So long as you can give him a daily schedule as well. You could add in things like desk exercises at lunchtime and making small talk with his boss to increase his chances of promotion. That way he could look better and bring in more money for the family. I’m sure he would love it, and it would really improve his output.

😂

I was very clear with DH that I wouldn't be a SAH Housekeeper. I was a SAH Mum. He would have got very short shrift from me if he'd tried to pull that sort of shit.

And so what if he's a high earner.... my exH is too and he would never have given me a list of chores when I worked only two days a week. We worked as a team. Kids are adult now and we are divorced for unrelated reasons. He appreciated all i did for the family and household and I appreciated the work he did to financially provide us with all we had. If he ever suggested giving me a list of jobs, he would have been laughed at and sworn at! But he wouldn't have, because he's a decent person who respected me as his life partner and mother if his children - your husband isn't. I'm Sorry.

This.

Work! Hire a cleaner and nanny. Have you no self worth?

This made me laugh so hard. Read it to DH who said its a great idea he will write me a chore plan too from now on 🤣

He is lying about the list, no lawyers are giving their wives what absolute rubbish.

He is trying to tell you that things are falling by the wayside and obviously not very well? Maybe he means well and thinks you can't see it?

i think its normal for partners to make requests especially as you are at home, wether you do them is up to you?

Anyway OP, just take no notice. I can't believe you need to ask this, or if this thread is even for real? Just ignore / laugh / let it go over your head. I've been a SAHM a loooong time and every SAHM I know has a cleaner and / or gardener. Many have nannies as well, or have help for after school or in certain days, or au pairs / housekeepers. Tell him that. Your H sounds a bit dim tbh.

This smacks of a teenager saying "every one else's mum says then can....".

But even if it was true, it doesn't follow that you have to do it.