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Original poster

Is my husband having an affair due to my lack of sex drive?

115 replies

VeronicaTeacher · 02/06/2023 17:55

I hope to gain some insights and advice on a personal situation that's been on my mind lately. As some may know, turning 46 has brought upon the stage of perimenopause and a shift in certain aspects of my life - including my six-year-long non-existent sex drive. For me, this change hasn't been bothersome.

On the other hand, my husband has formed a close friendship with his female sports partner, Clare. They've spent years bonding over their shared interest, developing hugs, flirty exchanges, and inside jokes at my expense. Meeting Clare for the first time recently raised some questions for me about the nature of their relationship.

While feeling like an outsider during our recent meeting, I couldn't help but sense some sexual chemistry between them - something my husband denies.

So, I'm reaching out to you all: How would you navigate such a situation? Are my concerns unfounded, or is there potential merit to them? 🧐

Any thoughts or personal experiences in dealing with similar situations would be greatly appreciated! 🙏

OP posts:
Fruitygal · 02/06/2023 18:02

Give me an example of what concerned you about Clare when you met her?

is Clare married and does she have kids and have you met the family?

what’s the sport ?

Are you totally devoid of any sexual interest since 40?

If you have kids how old are they and did the sex drive disappear after them ?

JMSA · 02/06/2023 18:04

Relationships without sex are doomed, unless for some reason both parties are on board.

tweener · 02/06/2023 18:07

How has the 6 year long dry spell been navigated in the relationship?

In my opinion if one person doesn't want to have sex for that long a time then the other person is going to seek it elsewhere. If I were your husband, I couldn't stay in a sexless marriage so would have left a long time ago, but some would choose to stay and just have sex outside of the relationship.

When there's not been sex for that long the realistic options that tend to happen are:

Splitting up
Cheating
Open relationship for the sex side of things

ForestLilac · 02/06/2023 18:09

Honestly?

When you made the decision your husband was now celibate probably forever, and you had a conversation with him regarding this, what did he say?

BCBird · 02/06/2023 18:11

Whether there is anything sexual hking on or not between them,making jokes st your expense is appalling. That would make me angry and nd suspicious. Have you and your husband talked about the lack of sex.i was in s relationship where my partner was not bothered. It rarely happened and when it did was very perfunctory. It nearly broke me. Lack of sex when one partner is still interested is a recipe for disaster. Talk to each other OP.

Original poster
VeronicaTeacher · 02/06/2023 18:16

I have had no interest in sex since I was 40. She has children, is divorced, and is about ten years younger than me. The kids know my husband "pretty well".

My main concerns were their inside jokes about me; I'm older than my husband, and although it's never bothered me until recently, it's always been a bit of fun between my husband and me about being "the older woman".

It's just the way they look and hug each other that makes me feel uncomfortable.

OP posts:
ForestLilac · 02/06/2023 18:18

Are you affectionate with your husband?

RudsyFarmer · 02/06/2023 18:18

Well with your last post I’d say you are right to be concerned.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/06/2023 18:19

It's totally unreasonable to expect your husband to accept a sexless marriage. He shouldn't cheat, but he's human.

HermioneWeasley · 02/06/2023 18:19

Are you saying you haven’t had sex with your husband for six years?

If that’s the case then to be honest, he’s probably getting it somewhere

HoIIy · 02/06/2023 18:22

Hug how? Sit there hugging? Or when they first see each other or are saying goodbye?

But tbh your DH isn't going to last his lifetime no longer having sex because you dont want to. So that's a conversation you both need to have.

Dacadactyl · 02/06/2023 18:22

I think you're naive in the extreme to expect a 40 something year old man to be happy with no sex.

If I was in your shoes and my marriage was important to me, I'd just have sex tbh.

Eudaimonia5 · 02/06/2023 18:24

6 years? Bloody hell!

Can you formally separate and stay friends? If you haven't had sex in 6 years, are you even in a relationship anymore or is it just a friendship/housemates/coparenting thing?

There's nothing wrong with not wanting sex but equally, it's unfair on your husband to expect him to stay in a sexless relationship. Has he never mentioned separating or has he been hoping the lack of sex would be a temporary thing?

Wicksytricksy · 02/06/2023 18:25

What's the discussion been around the lack of sex? Is it something you've been/ you are willing to work on?

Fruitygal · 02/06/2023 18:25

Sorry but your husband is having an affair.

You are saying he’s younger than you and therefore he stopped having sex with you in his thirties.

You said they have been sports partners for years.

I think he’s swapped you for Clare.

Losing sex drive at 40 is unusual and you need to see a GP to understand why? Post menopausal loss if sex drive can happen but very unusual to lose it in early peri menopause.

You don’t mention kids so i assume you don’t have any. I’d walk away and find a new life.

ArcticSkewer · 02/06/2023 18:25

Are you worried about the sex or about him leaving?

If she's divorced I would worry he would eventually leave if he falls for her too hard. She has less to lose.

He's probably having sex with someone)s somewhere. People don't just stay celibate from their 40s unless they lost their sex drive. Their partner losing it just means they look elsewhere. There are whole websites matching up the men and women in dead bedrooms

AlienSupaStar · 02/06/2023 18:25

Dacadactyl · 02/06/2023 18:22

I think you're naive in the extreme to expect a 40 something year old man to be happy with no sex.

If I was in your shoes and my marriage was important to me, I'd just have sex tbh.

Have to say I agree with this.

Please may you answer the questions about how you have navigated the no sex thing with your husband?

LaMaG · 02/06/2023 18:25

OP you say you lost interest and have no sex drive. Can you clarify if you actually have not slept with DH in 6 years?

Azandme · 02/06/2023 18:26

So you are 46, and at 40 you decided that your sex life was over. Your dh is younger than you, so he was in his thirties?

Did you seek treatment, or just drop sex?

You can't make a unilateral decision about someone else's sex life. Of course, he shouldn't cheat - but it would be understandable if he left you.

A sexless marriage that isn't by mutual agreement is a terribly lonely place to be.

sheworemellowyellow · 02/06/2023 18:26

Your husband is having an affair because he's not committed to you and thinks it's okay to sleep with someone else whilst married to you.

This may well be down to your lack of a sex life (probably is).

Do you have any other form of intimacy?

It's unreasonable, in a marriage, to unilaterally decide you don't want to have sex for years on end WITHOUT having a conversation about it.

Babymamamama · 02/06/2023 18:26

I would imagine this has already started. If your gut instinct tells you something it’s often correct.

Ask him?

gamerchick · 02/06/2023 18:27

JMSA · 02/06/2023 18:04

Relationships without sex are doomed, unless for some reason both parties are on board.

This.

However you don't go off and pork someone else. You talk about it and sort out the future and whether it would be better to split up. Both have to be content.

You need to have a conversation with him OP. Whether you're bothered if he is or isn't. I'm sorry man.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 02/06/2023 18:32

I can't see anything that says your husband is having an affair really, but could you really blame him?

Is he onboard with his sex life being over at this age, have you even discussed it?

gamerchick · 02/06/2023 18:33

VeronicaTeacher · 02/06/2023 18:16

I have had no interest in sex since I was 40. She has children, is divorced, and is about ten years younger than me. The kids know my husband "pretty well".

My main concerns were their inside jokes about me; I'm older than my husband, and although it's never bothered me until recently, it's always been a bit of fun between my husband and me about being "the older woman".

It's just the way they look and hug each other that makes me feel uncomfortable.

See that's properly shit OP. He's taking the piss out of you in more ways than one

Denise82 · 02/06/2023 18:39

I agree that sexless relationships are never going to last unless both people feel the same. Have you spoke of how you both feel about this.
You should tell him how you feel about his friendship with Clare.
But as someone else said are you worried about the lack of se or that he will leave you. I couldn't have a relationship without sex

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