Is my husband having an affair due to my lack of sex drive?

[VeronicaTeacher]

I hope to gain some insights and advice on a personal situation that's been on my mind lately. As some may know, turning 46 has brought upon the stage of perimenopause and a shift in certain aspects of my life - including my six-year-long non-existent sex drive. For me, this change hasn't been bothersome.

On the other hand, my husband has formed a close friendship with his female sports partner, Clare. They've spent years bonding over their shared interest, developing hugs, flirty exchanges, and inside jokes at my expense. Meeting Clare for the first time recently raised some questions for me about the nature of their relationship.

While feeling like an outsider during our recent meeting, I couldn't help but sense some sexual chemistry between them - something my husband denies.

So, I'm reaching out to you all: How would you navigate such a situation? Are my concerns unfounded, or is there potential merit to them? 🧐

Any thoughts or personal experiences in dealing with similar situations would be greatly appreciated! 🙏

She didn't but I don't think she'd be asking if that was why he cheated if he'd already raised it.

She also didn't say she hadn't had a big conversation about not wanting to any more but others assume she hasn't.

@Mari9999 I agree with your post. Personally I would not stay in a sexless marriage, but it's unfair on OP that some are saying she should expect to be cheated on and that 'why should he' start a conversation with her. I mean, perhaps because they are supposed to love each other and it shouldn't be tit for tat? That's not aimed at you, just the general theme running that all this is the OPs fault. Yes, I would guess it is down to her no longer wanting sex, but it's not the way to deal with it and not her 'fault' he chose to cheat.

On any other thread where someone has been cheated on they get full support. Even if the OP has said that she's been busy with the kids so she's too tired, no one blames her. Suppose I don't understand why this particular OP is getting piled on as if she forced him to do this and that he had no other option because he's incapable of raising a discussion himself before seeking something outwith.

I know DH wouldn't stay in a sexless marriage and I wouldn't expect him to, but I wouldn't think he can go and have an affair then.

We don't know if he is having an affair though do we? So debating the rights and wrongs of it is a moot point for now. Its possible but I think I'd be more concerned if he suddenly stopped being openly all flirty with Claire cos that would suggested they crossed the line. They would be much more discreet. My guess would be he wants Claire though which is not terribly surprising IF he has had no sexual contact for 6 years, we still don't know if there is occasionally duty sex. It could also be a way of trying to get OPs attention, openly obviously flirting with another woman so she will see that he is an attractive and sexual person, maybe he just wants his wife to want him??

There's two parts to this, OP.

Him having what does sound like an affair, or affair-adjacent, wouldn't be great.

But seperately to that, you can't just decide you don't want sex anymore and that it's 'not bothersome' to you - i.e. make a big change in your marriage - without expecting the other party to potentially not like those changes. You don't have to have sex with him of course, that's 100% your right, but a lot of partners won't be willing to continue the relationship on that basis. You don't say whether you talked about your lack of sex life or whether he's happy with the situation - it sounds like you think he's not, which is baffling to me. Why are you carrying on for 6 years knowing he's probably unhappy about an element of your marriage and expecting that not to become a problem at any point?

Wow the INCELs are really out in force on this thread.

If he is having an affair, it isn't because of your lack of sex drive. It's because he was too much of a coward to leave you before starting to see someone else.

Sex is an intergral part of relationships, 6 years without sex is much too long. I can't blame him for looking elsewhere if he is, but he should have seperated from you first. If he's younger than you he was in his 30s when you decided to stop having sex with him. Why did you ever think that he was going to be happy with that arrangement?

Unfortunately I can only see you having a limited number of options here. 1) decide you want to want to have sex and look into medical treatment for your lack of sex drive. 2) accept your DH may look for the physical aspect of a relationship elsewhere and the risks that come with that or 3) let him go and accept you probably won't find someone else thats willing to be celibate with you.

Whilst you say you’ve not had any sex drive for the past 6 years, does that mean the two of you haven’t had sex at all?
Have you discussed this with him?

I think serious chats need to happen. I certainly couldn’t stay in a sexless marriage. A temporary dip in sex, yes. But a pretty much never having sex again/for the foreseeable future? You need to chat. Absolutely not saying that gives your DH the okay to cheat. But it wouldn’t be surprising if he wanted out of the marriage, or to open it up to an open marriage. But you need to chat. Or be open to rekindling your sex life with him.

I think you have 2 different issues to deal with . One is yes he probably has an interest that is more than friendship on her , even if maybe platonic for now .
second and actually more important is you need to find out why and how you can sort your sex life . No marriage will last with no sex and to be honest I can totally see why .

Of course the husband should have acted with integrity rather pursuing an affair if that is indeed what he is doing. But then again OP has not come back to let us know how she has honestly and openly communicated her view on sex in the marriage either and sought a mutually agreeable solution. Not a lot of integrity and honesty on either side it may seem.

Then again it could not be that way as there are no details. All we know is that a woman stopped having sex with her husband 6 years ago when he was in his 30s and she is now worried about his friendship with another woman presumably because she knows that a man at that age is unlikely to has zero libido.

So much depends on what you and your husband have discussed, OP. If he agreed to 'no sex' at the time, that may have changed. So you'll need to talk again and if you feel the same and he feels that he would like to have sex again then you both have a decision to make about your marriage. Open it or end it and both be free again.

People are free not to want to have sex but in a couple, they can't demand that of the other person forever. In the meantime, your husband and this woman have formed an attachment that has nothing to do with you. Even if you changed your mind, there is now this 'relationship' that is also a factor, which wasn't there before.

You're watching a slow car crash happen there and you're uncomfortable seeing just how compatible they are. I think it is just a matter of time, sorry.

I agree. It’s utterly depressing.

If my husband took sex off the table, for 6 years (!) and I was too cowardly to leave him- I'd cheat. He's the love of my life and I can't imagine not spending my life with him, so I WOULD probably be too cowardly, but I couldn't not have sex for ever. I'd be miserable.

If I were you and he is sleeping with Clare, I'd probably speak to him and set what rules you can if you want to stay married. I wouldn't be furious nor would I blame him if he was- 6 years is a looong time. Although I think it's doomed tbh.

You need to talk with him OP. I don’t think cheating is ever okay. Better to leave if it’s not working rather than cheating. I hope you are okay 💐

If someone was the love of your life, why would you treat them with such little respect, knowing full well that shagging around would (assuming you are also the love of their lives) cause them an immense amount of pain?

By the same token, if you change the terms of the arrangement - sex in a committed, loving relationship - then why would you treat your partner with such indifference, expecting this to continue forever? OP could just as easily have called time on the relationship.

Selfishness isn't just the province of cheater but, as OP hasn't said very much about the arrangement then it's all just speculation, isn't it? I hope OP is having this conversation with her husband because it's the OP who changed the parameters of the marriage and that talk is very much needed to determine the way forward, however it goes.

although not the whole context of why I left the lack of sex in my marriage was a big issue and partly why I left. I ended up begging for him to sleep with me, it was awful.

I said, you’re the only person I can sleep with and you’re denying me that, I have needs and they aren’t being met.

I never cheated and would never but there’s a huge difference between a couple where sex is off the table and it’s being discussed why or when the denying partner says no and won’t discuss it - that’s actually very selfish, instead of trying to find a way forward together,

what this means in these circumstances remains to be seen, I think op has discussed it openly with dh that’s one thing but if she’s said no and no I don’t want to talk about it then there’s an argument to understand why someone may stray and I’d say the same if it was the man or woman being denied sex (same sex or otherwise).

is cheating ok, no, but then neither is denying sex without trying to fix the situation.

I'm always surprised how these threads steer very strongly towards sex being an absolute non-negotiable thing in a marriage. Like it's an implicit agreement (though has anyone clarified the correct frequency, duration and type required to fulfill the marital obligations?). Therefore no sex = divorce. I can get an erection from looking at a sexy rock, but to end a marriage (or justify cheating) through a change in libido seems a bit much. I'd be much more annoyed with lack of high speed internet for 6 years. But I am odd, admittedly. As the more sensible people in the thread have said - talk to your partner.

If they're the love of your life and denying you intimacy then there's an inherent problem!
Not saying that sleeping around is acceptable but the OP's seeming lack of understanding of the impact of her imposition of celibacy upon her DH is most definitely an issue within their marriage.
As others have said, open and honest discussion is needed. If OP doesn't want to have sex with her DH then she should set him free.

Why be consistently surprised that most human beings see a fulfilling sex life as a core part of a long term relationship? It seems odd to me that people think it is a surprising thing I'll be honest with you.

Obviously it really isn't actually about sex in many cases but about one partner making a unilateral decision to change a key part of a relationship without discussion and expecting the other partner to put up with it.

A marriage where one person decides to opt out of sex and wants a sexless marriage?

No way that that would work!

And I would say he cheated on you yeaaaaars ago.

Six years without sex!!!
When he is around 36- 40 years of age???

You are living like brother and sister.
Or like room mates

And you say it makes you 'uncomfortable ' to see them hug?
Imagine how 'uncomfortable " he feels with a wife that REFUSES sex for SIX years.....

What would your view be should your partner stops loving you? Stops caring about you? Is that implied also as a non-negotiable thing? Sex is an important part of marriage for most couples and for those whom it isn't, they would come to an agreement, have a conversation about it so that everybody's on the same page. I don't understand the reference to high-speed internet, it doesn't make sense?

You're right that nobody has the right to sex if that's what you're saying, but if that's a one-sided agreement then surely you can't be surprised if your partner withdraws from the relationship all together. Still, as we don't know what has happened as OP hasn't said, all of this is conjecture.

OP seems only concerned at this point because she is losing her husband (from what she says).

Absolutely yes - if OP has zero interest in having sex ever again she should (and may have for all we know) have a conversation with her partner expressing that she understands that he still has needs, and he is free to leave and pursue other relationships.

Two things can be true at the same time though, and that second thing is that he also should have had a conversation with her, explaining that he could not live like that, and therefore it was over.

To be unfaithful should not be a go to solution

Yeah he’s the one taking the piss, but it’s fine for her to say no more sex in our relationship right?

Yeah, people are saying things I don't agree with so I'm gonna call them incels. Jesus, grow up

I’d say if they’re not shagging, they sure as fuck want to. And will be messaging and talking about it.