Is my husband having an affair due to my lack of sex drive?

[VeronicaTeacher]

I hope to gain some insights and advice on a personal situation that's been on my mind lately. As some may know, turning 46 has brought upon the stage of perimenopause and a shift in certain aspects of my life - including my six-year-long non-existent sex drive. For me, this change hasn't been bothersome.

On the other hand, my husband has formed a close friendship with his female sports partner, Clare. They've spent years bonding over their shared interest, developing hugs, flirty exchanges, and inside jokes at my expense. Meeting Clare for the first time recently raised some questions for me about the nature of their relationship.

While feeling like an outsider during our recent meeting, I couldn't help but sense some sexual chemistry between them - something my husband denies.

So, I'm reaching out to you all: How would you navigate such a situation? Are my concerns unfounded, or is there potential merit to them? 🧐

Any thoughts or personal experiences in dealing with similar situations would be greatly appreciated! 🙏

i haven't had sex with my DH for 4 yrs as he has been going through cancer treatment and is a shadow of his former self. I don't imagine we will again and I have at no point strayed. If your DH was frustrated or upset he should have communicated that with you as one should in a loving partnership. As perimenopause/menopause is tough enough without a partner who uses it to have an affair.

Him having an affair is not your fault

Is she not taking the piss out of him, deciding his sex life is over? Reverse the sexes here and there would be lots of ‘leave him, you deserve a good sex life’ etc.

Your options are:

• Have a proper heart-to-heart with your husband and seek therapy to address your lack of sex drive and really make an effort to repair your relationship.

• Accept he's having an affair, or the risk that he might, and turn a blind eye (with the attendant risk that he may leave for her)

• Leave

It’s not your lack of sex drive that is ‘making’ him have an affair - he has made that choice because he’s an unfaithful shit. All this about not condemning your partner to a sexless marriage is a separate issue. One to be talked about and agreed upon for a mutually agreed vision of the future. You didn’t agree to him bringing Clare on board.

In your position op I would accept the fact that it’s over and leave them to it. He doesn’t love or respect you, so make sure you get every penny you deserve in the inevitable divorce. One day when Clare goes through menopause she’ll perhaps be a little more empathetic.

@Screamingabdabz I wonder if OP started this conversation and how it went six years ago?

“One to be talked about and agreed upon for a mutually agreed vision of the future.”

I lost interest in sex and think it understandable if a partner seeks it elsewhere. People are not robots.

If you’ve decided to be celibate, but you want to remain married to him, you’ll need to learn to turn a blind eye to his sexual activities and you’ll need to hope that he doesn’t fall in love with Clare or someone else.

Id be looking to divorce him. He’s having an affair in plain sight. You’re only 46, young enough to start a new life..with or without sex.

Agree about unilaterally deciding to stop both your sex lives but that aside, him treating you like that and them making jokes at your expense is absolutely horrid.

All you can do is speak to him and come to an agreement on how to move forward, but tbh I don't know I'd want to after being spoken about like that with someone who is likely his affair partner. He is well within his rights to be unhappy about the lack of sex life, but not to disrespect you.

He is as much responsible as you to sort out any issues within your marriage.

My marriage was sexless for 6 years (his choice) and it was soul destroying for me. I felt so unattractive and my self esteem hit rock bottom. It’s difficult when the one person who is supposed to fancy you, doesn’t. If he isn’t having an affair, while not condoning it, and fully respecting your right not to have sex if you don’t want to, I would understand why he would want to seek a relationship outside the marriage. It’s likely the marriage does not meet his needs any longer. I didn’t have an affair, but I did end up leaving the marriage.

You’re avoiding the question of whether or not your husband happily agreed to stay in a sexless marriage and be faithful! I would assume he’s getting sex elsewhere and you can’t blame him!

It's lovely that you're happy to be celebate but is your husband? What did he say when you agreed this? I can't imagine many 40 year olds signing up for a lifetime of no sex.

So, it was a unilateral decision that sex wasn't happening, and now you're worried he might be getting it elsewhere?

We can't say from what you've said, but i wouldn't blame him.

@VeronicaTeacher
Once you decided that sex was over for you, what were your thoughts and expectations related to your husband's sexual needs and desires? Did you expect to immediately become celibate or to accept affection in lieu of sex? Did you expect him to pleasure himself as the solution? Did you think about how this change impacted him at all? Did you discuss together what might be reasonable solutions and alternatives?

If you took no steps to address this situation
, and the onus was on you to initiate the discussion because it was your condition and feelings creating the change, then it is quite reasonable that in 6 years he may have found another sexual outlet.

If indeed he is involved with this woman, it is not likely as mature adults that they have a need to find humor at your expense. It is much more likely that they find humor in the things that contented lovers tend to do.

If over six years you never to the initiative to discuss and address this issue, it is probably too late. Do you really object to his having a sexual partner if that was no longer a role that you wished to have in his life?

You don't shag about, you have a conversation and you don't rip the piss out of your wife with the other woman.

There is no excuse for starting bonding with someone else when you're married and living with someone. For either sex

I think the answer above yours by @Mari9999 answers your questions better than I can.

But I’d like to add that @VeronicaTeacher could have initiated this conversation. Why is is only his fault?

And are they ‘bonding’? Some people (both sexes) can separate sex and love. Others can’t. There’s no right or wrong, just differences.

Within a marriage or relationship there are certain expectations of continuity. If a relationship has been started and continued on the basis of daily sex, fine. If the basis is sex once a year, fine. But to start one way then change, this needs discussion. If libidos are matching and both are happy then it’s good. But with a mismatch (as this clearly is) then why should only the lower libido person be happy? Does the higher libido not deserve some happiness too?

@gamerchick
Unless you agree prior to marriage that it is going to be a sexless marriage both parties have a right to expect sex to be a significant part of their union.

If the OP's situation or condition resulted in a significant change it is a conversation that she should have initiated with her husband, and together they should have reached a mutual understanding.

I would guess that if the OP has not reached out to her husband to ask if the woman is his new sexual partner, it is not likely that she initiated any discussions around their approaches and solutions the changes in their sex life.

Marriage makes you a partner not a martyr. She chose celibacy as her solution, perhaps he was not prepared to make that choice.

Agree. If @VeronicaTeacher has decided that she doesn't want to have sex anymore, that's a decision she's entitled to make for herself, married or single. However, that decision can come with a 'cost' for a married person. And that cost is that their spouse may decide that they DO want to have a sex life.

But cheating is always wrong and never justified. The right thing, the honest thing, for that spouse to do is to sit down and TALK to their spouse and tell them that the decision they've made is to leave the marriage. Leave, don't cheat.

In this situation, the OP needs to sit her husband down and demand honesty, from both of them, about their future. She needs to lay her cards on the table and tell him that he is free to leave if he chooses not to accept her decision, ie remain celibate. He, in return, needs to be honest about this woman and either commit to a sexless marriage or leave.

If OP chooses to offer the option of an open marriage (for him), that's up to her. But she should not think she has to offer it, nor agree to it if he suggests it.

Wouldn't blame him really

The lack of sex is probably going to make him very unhappy.
It’s very rare that both people are happy with not having sex.

But he could leave.

No one is ever to blame for an affair, apart from the person having the affair.

Yes but he had the option to leave if he isn't happy, not to cheat. No one forced him (if that even is the case of course). You take wedding vows to remain faithful, not to give x amount of sex.

Personally I couldn't be in a sexless marriage but I'd leave them if it couldn't be worked out, not make fun of my OH and go behind their back.

Wowzers. So your DH was in his 30s when he ended up in a sexless marriage. I think I would have left years ago...

The whole situation sounds miserable. Is he really ok with no sex for six years? I mean, if he was 60 then it might be different.

Then you would be just as bad.

Why though? Wouldn't blame him for leaving the marriage but certainly for lying and cheating.

Agree.
OP's hasn't wanted sex for 6 years. Don't suppose her DH agreed to that. (I notice she hasn't answered that question despite being asked repeatedly),
So she has changed the parameters of their marriage. Those saying the DH should leave. Why should it be him who has to instigate the break when she's the one who's taken sex off the table. Maybe he doesn't want to leave - perhaps there are DC involved - but quite likely he also wants sex.
Time to have a frank conversation with DH OP.