Is my husband having an affair due to my lack of sex drive?

[VeronicaTeacher]

I hope to gain some insights and advice on a personal situation that's been on my mind lately. As some may know, turning 46 has brought upon the stage of perimenopause and a shift in certain aspects of my life - including my six-year-long non-existent sex drive. For me, this change hasn't been bothersome.

On the other hand, my husband has formed a close friendship with his female sports partner, Clare. They've spent years bonding over their shared interest, developing hugs, flirty exchanges, and inside jokes at my expense. Meeting Clare for the first time recently raised some questions for me about the nature of their relationship.

While feeling like an outsider during our recent meeting, I couldn't help but sense some sexual chemistry between them - something my husband denies.

So, I'm reaching out to you all: How would you navigate such a situation? Are my concerns unfounded, or is there potential merit to them? 🧐

Any thoughts or personal experiences in dealing with similar situations would be greatly appreciated! 🙏

And what happens if there isn’t enough money to support 2 households?

OP is getting an unduly hard time here. Ever tried going to a GP for lack of sex drive? They don’t just hand out little blue pills that instantaneously fix things.

also, when op last had sex I’m sure she didn’t draw a line and say we’ll that’s that never again. The weeks become months and the months become years. Are you really all saying she should force herself to have sex to keep her man happy.

what I would say is that op of course needs to speak to her DH about her lack of libido. If dh and Clare were already shagging they wouldn’t be touchy geeky in front of OP. It’s like that episode of friends where joey never has onscreen chemistry with his co-stars

Well yes it does sound very likely that they are having an affair...

Is the idea of having sex with him so much worse than the thought of him cheating on you?

Of course the OP shouldn't force herself to do anything she doesn't want to do. But equally enforcing celibacy on her husband is never going to work long-term is it?

It's really odd to enter an intimate, sexual relationship, withdraw intimacy and sex and just expect everything to carry on as though nothing has changed.

'Maybe he doesn't want to leave'. Maybe OP doesn't want to be cheated on?

I'm really surprised at some of the comments here. OP should not feel forced into having sex so her husband doesn't deceive her.

He could have quite easily spoken to her about this if he was unhappy, he didn't. He is also an adult so unsure why he's being a viewed as some poor child who can't control his behaviour.

And as for 'what if they can't afford 2 households'...what? So the OP should accept being cheated on and made fun out of because she does not have a sex drive through no fault of her own?

He can go shack up with Clare then he'll be able to afford it.

It is down to BOTH of them to sort out issues withing their marriage and if they can't, then they separate.

She may not have had a specific conversation about no longer wanting sex, just as he hasn't had one about (most likely) cheating so not sure why it's all been put on OP.

I agree.

I actually think it's quite selfish. Surely it must absolutely destroy the self esteem of the person being rejected?

@AntiSocial6DaysAWeek It’s on @VeronicaTeacher to have that conversation because she is the one who changed things.

If he is having affair it is because he has chosen to!

Again, he has the option to leave or even just raise it with her.

Any idea how the person being forced to have sex feels? Her body, her choice. His choice to stay.

Yes! This!

This. 6 years in a sexless marriage- I would have left sooner

Has he no autonomy? If he's not raised it as a problem then it would be fair to assume he was fine with it.

As I said, BOTH have a responsibility to work out marital problems and not be petty 'you started it so I'm not going to be the one to raise it, I'll just cheat instead and laugh in your face while I do it'.

Of course no one should have sex if they don't want to.

However, sex is a reasonable expectation within a marriage and the person who takes it off the table should be the one to initiate a discussion.

He could have quite easily spoken to her about this if he was unhappy, he didn't.

Where does she say that?

I'm not sure it's the sort of thing that "raising it" helps tbh. The OP is clearly happy w a sexless marriage as she instigated it. If he raises it he either gets branded a creepy sex pest or risks ending up with some "if we have to" coercive sex.

Is your husband happy with sexless marriage? (Or in case you still have sex, happy to have sex with someone who is not into it?) Does he have a sex drive?

When you had the conversation 6 years what was the agreement?

If your husband doesn't have a sex drive either and was totally happy to stop having sex. Then it's unlikely anything. If your husband has a sexdrive and is unhappy with your sexlife then it very likely is something.

Mental the replies here suggesting OP should force herself to have sex with her husband just to stop him from cheating, or that she should just expect him to cheat because she won’t have sex with him. Have some self respect ladies. She’s perfectly entitled to never have sex with him again, just as he’s perfectly entitled to literally leave if that doesn’t work for him. How on earth is cheating an option?

Very much this. None the less I'm sure he will have tentatively brought it up and got nowhere.

It's an age old solution to a problem. It's not necessary to leave if everything else is okay enough to stay. Op could have left as well when she decided to stop having sex.

I doubt there's any point starting to have duty sex six years and affairs later. He won't be interested. Duty sex isn't particularly enjoyable for either person.

@AntiSocial6DaysAWeek
I am in total agreement that leaving is much more honorable than cheating.

I do not think that many people would choose to stay in a sexless marriage absent some untreatable physical impairment or major illness. I don't think that menopause signals the end of sex for most women.

I do think that if the OP did not initiate a serious discussion about this with her husband then she too demonstrated a serious lack of respect for both him and their marriage. It would be interesting to know exactly what were the OP's expectations and thoughts related to het husband's sexual needs when she seemingly unilaterally decided to become celibate.

But as regards to your original point, I agree that he should have ended the marriage rather than cheat.

Its not right to just go and have an affair in a sexless marriage. You either leave or discuss it to find a solution. You dont just shag the nearest option and then use your resentment to take the piss out of your wife. What a dickhead.

I think if the OP were taking second of the table, it would have been reasonable and honorable for her to offer to leave. I think that if the husband wanted a normal sexual relationship within his marriage and that had been removed from the table ,he too should have left before cheating.

I don't think that either of these people have acted in a particularly honorable way; though, It is particularly hard to imagine exactly what the OP's expectations were in light of her move to celibacy.

You can't decide your husband never has sex again unless he agrees and expect everything to be ok. Cheating isn't ok so if he's not happy about it then he should have left you and told you why.

Well, if he’s having an affair you’ve both broken your marriage vows. You vowed to honour him with your body - which you’re not doing, and he promised to forsake all others - which he doesn’t appear to be doing. You are perfectly entitled to not have sex, and he is perfectly entitled to still want sex. Maybe you have become incompatible and it’s time to move on.

Awful. He has the choice to leave the relationship.