Is my husband having an affair due to my lack of sex drive?

[VeronicaTeacher]

I hope to gain some insights and advice on a personal situation that's been on my mind lately. As some may know, turning 46 has brought upon the stage of perimenopause and a shift in certain aspects of my life - including my six-year-long non-existent sex drive. For me, this change hasn't been bothersome.

On the other hand, my husband has formed a close friendship with his female sports partner, Clare. They've spent years bonding over their shared interest, developing hugs, flirty exchanges, and inside jokes at my expense. Meeting Clare for the first time recently raised some questions for me about the nature of their relationship.

While feeling like an outsider during our recent meeting, I couldn't help but sense some sexual chemistry between them - something my husband denies.

So, I'm reaching out to you all: How would you navigate such a situation? Are my concerns unfounded, or is there potential merit to them? 🧐

Any thoughts or personal experiences in dealing with similar situations would be greatly appreciated! 🙏

I'm always surprised how these threads steer very strongly towards sex being an absolute non-negotiable thing in a marriage. Like it's an implicit agreement (though has anyone clarified the correct frequency, duration and type required to fulfill the marital obligations?). Therefore no sex = divorce. I can get an erection from looking at a sexy rock, but to end a marriage (or justify cheating) through a change in libido seems a bit much.

You're surprised that many people in a romantic relationship would view sexual intimacy as an important part of their (usually monogamous) relationship?

I think there is an implicit agreement that sex is part of a romantic relationship unless both people have communicated otherwise and have entered on the same page.

There's a big difference between a short to medium change in libido with open communication and one partner unilaterally taking sex off the table and expecting the other to lump it.

Nobody has to have sex, equally nobody has to stay in a relationship where their romantic and intimate needs aren't being met. Two people might grow apart and find they are incompatible.

Your H takes the piss out of you with this woman? Tbh I imagine if there was a shred of your libido left it must have shrivelled up when you discovered that.

It does sound like they are shagging. All this "if they are touchy feely in front of you then they won't be" sounds very suss, they are probably just emboldened by the situation and your acceptance of him, your husband, laughing at you.

Get him gone op he sounds like a tosser anyway. Your libido might come back with someone who isn't the sort of twat who has in jokes (oh how funny) about his own wife with another woman.

Are you saying that you haven't had sex at all kn the last 6 year?I am sorry OP if that's the case you better speak to him about where this relationship is going.

If the husband were indeed having an affair with the woman, what exactly would they be finding humorous about the OP? If anything they might be grateful for the opportunity that she has provided for them.

If they have occasion to laugh in the presence of the OP, why would her assumption be that it is humor about her or at her expense? In addition to no sex, is the husband also required to for go humor as well?

This sounds like what must be an unhappy existence for both the OP and her husband.

She is probably just the decoy. He is or has been shagging others.

Unless he’s told you he is happy in a sexless relationship I imagine the last 6 years have been pretty shitty for him.

Disagree. It is she that has “taken the piss” out of him. Bet she never opened a conversation about enforcing celibacy on him? Where is her morality and responsibility to her marriage vows?

The jesting is inappropriate but it is all downstream of her aversion to sex.

What I don’t understand is why she has bothered writing in. Her husband is clearly happier with regular sex with someone else yet she is miffed about the situation.

You can’t have your cake and eat it ladies - either you maintain regular sexual relations or accept that a man will have to find sex elsewhere.

I say this over and over again: men marry for regular sexual access primarily.

Finally, do you have irritable days, PMT and other hormonal issues? Do you expect men to make allowances for this?

If so, and you believe in equality, why do you denigrate men for their hormonal urges? Testosterone builds up rapidly in most men. Masturbation does not cut it all the time. We need sex to stop the irritability that comes with excess testosterone.

Fair’s fair.

You really thought your husband wasn’t going to look elseware? You think he should just not have sex as a healthy/still young man? How selfish can you possibly be. I hope he divorces you. Go find someone Asexual.

When you stopped having sex 6 years ago was this something discussed and agreed or was this imposed on him? You’re husband and wife in name only now - housemates - so I can see why he would want to seek sex elsewhere. I was in a sexless marriage for 6 years and the urge to cheat was almost overwhelming. I didn’t but we did break up.

That said, he should have raised his concerns, rather than having an affair. You could decide to turn a bling eye, though there is the strong risk of him falling in love with the woman he’s sleeping with. You could agree to split up, or you could seek treatment for your sex drive.

Trust your gut, it’s rarely wrong. As others have said a relationship without sex is doomed as it becomes a friendship. Friendships are great but they don’t have that intimacy that a relationship has, the stuff that brings you closer.

I don't know how we would know more than your husband?

This thread is from last year. Do we have an update?

Surely when she decided to stop having sex, she had the option to leave or even just raise it with him.

She didn't.

If she didn't do the morally right thing then I'm not sure it's fair to expect him to.

Having said that, the making jokes part is awful.

In the ultra black and white world of MN the solutions is always to leave.

In the real world I suspect a lot of people, men and women, who find themselves in sexless marriages below the age ogf 60 will quietly and discreetly find some level of fulfillment outside of their marriage. I'm not saying it's right, but I wouldn't always judge.

So you don’t care to make him go years without sex IN HIS 40’s!

but all of a sudden care if he gets it somewhere else? You are an incredibly selfish woman. You don’t deserve your husband.

Why bump an ancient thread?

I don’t agree with the ‘you have to expect it’- you can expect arguments or talking about divorce, him leaving- but him being flirty and smug with jibes about his older wife- nobody deserves that