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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU that this is kind of sad?

107 replies

adviceseeker22 · 02/06/2023 14:10

So my DH and I love about 8-10hrs away from his DM. Normally (but bear in mind that COVID was part of it) my SIL (who lives in the same county as us) would go and get their DM and my DH would drive her back. However, this year it turns out that she has timed it so it overlaps with something she's doing where their DM lives so it's like a two birds one stone situation. However we're abroad for most of the time my MIL is here and the DCs won't be able to see her bar one day. That's it that's all they'll see her for this year. Other reason being that she doesn't like to sit around at home when she's visiting (so DH has to take time off and he has none left). They're all taking the angle of "it is what it is" but I'm pretty sure it would either have been planned better, or my MIL could enjoy the garden while we work and enjoy the DC, but apparently that's not good enough. I just find the whole a bit sad.

OP posts:

3luckystars · 02/06/2023 14:14

Sorry if I misunderstood, but could your husband go an pick her up a week earlier and look let his sister drop his MIL home then?

saltinesandcoffeecups · 02/06/2023 14:14

8-10 hours is hardly on the moon, can’t you squeeze a long weekend in where you drive to visit sometime later?

Original poster

adviceseeker22 · 02/06/2023 14:17

The problem in general is the lack of annual leave of my DH. He literally has none left, so long weekends are difficult. I WFH so slightly more flexible, but last year I didn't go with them as there's no mobile reception (and she has no internet).

OP posts:

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 02/06/2023 14:19

Surely it wouldn't matter either way if your DH doesn't have any annual leave left though?

Bartg · 02/06/2023 14:20

You drive 10 hours to pick her up then 10 hours home again? I am impressed that is a long trip!

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/06/2023 14:22

Does he not consider seeing his mum when planning his annual leave?

3luckystars · 02/06/2023 14:24

So you are just sad because he has no annual leave left? Could he take unpaid leave?

Sirzy · 02/06/2023 14:26

So the sad thing is surely your DH not making an effort to plan with him mum to see her rather than relying on his sister to help?

Original poster

adviceseeker22 · 02/06/2023 14:29

He sometimes does (last year he did for example). His company makes him take two weeks around Christmas (she doesn't like to come though as we tried a couple of years ago). The other three weeks are spread between a holiday somewhere and using them ad hoc (mostly childcare/sick days). His company doesn't allow for unpaid leave either, regardless of reason. So it always comes from annual leave or if non left, then he has to work the hours back.

OP posts:

Doggymummar · 02/06/2023 14:30

If you are in the UK they have to give parental leave, he can use that. I think he's not that bothered

Original poster

adviceseeker22 · 02/06/2023 14:30

It's always a collaboration between his sister and himself. This year they didn't talk about their schedules so they ended up with what we have.

OP posts:

saltinesandcoffeecups · 02/06/2023 14:31

So it sounds like you two didn’t prioritize visits with your MIL either.

I guess it’s fine be disappointed about the situation, but you seem disappointed at your SIL and MIL. That isn’t fair to them.

UglyNameChange · 02/06/2023 14:33

I’m not a mil or grandmother, but ditting in someone else’s garden and babysitting and having couple of hours with people after their tired from work, doesn’t sound like a good time…

Sorry.

Are sad because now you don’t have a free babysitter?

Overthebow · 02/06/2023 14:34

If your MIL lives so far away you really need to factor that into your leave plans for the year. It’s annoying I know, we have two sets of parents far away, but we always keep some aside to see them otherwise it just doesn’t work.

MooseBreath · 02/06/2023 14:40

Is there a reason MIL can't come again later this year? Couldn't she use a train or bus for at least part of the journey?

Original poster

adviceseeker22 · 02/06/2023 14:48

My DM comes and stays at home as she knows our AL is limited. She's never complained though. And no, it's not about babysitting. My MIL doesn't babysit.

OP posts:

Original poster

adviceseeker22 · 02/06/2023 14:50

She doesn't use public transport at all. Which is why they go all the way there to get her.

OP posts:

Polari · 02/06/2023 14:56

How old is mil?

takealettermsjones · 02/06/2023 15:00

Is the issue that DH still has to drive her back even though he won't have been able to see her?

Original poster

adviceseeker22 · 02/06/2023 15:04

She's 75, and no it's not so much that he comes back to drove her back, but that the children will only see her one day

OP posts:

Weallgottachangesometime · 02/06/2023 15:44

It is sad the children don’t get to see their grandparents more. Is your husband not bothered by that and trying to arrange a way for the children to have more time with her?

a 10 hr drives sounds hard. Is there not a flight that can reduce it? That way a long weekend might be possible with only a days leave or some built up TOIl.

Original poster

adviceseeker22 · 02/06/2023 16:31

No, there are no flights. Again the only solution would be to work overtime to get that as time off. But they're all very funny about annual leave where he works.

OP posts:

Weallgottachangesometime · 02/06/2023 18:57

Is it possible to visit and stay with her? Even if you husband can’t could you and the children so they have time with her?

we Have a 4-5 hr journey to our in laws and that’s bad enough! 10 hours is tough

Pottedpalm · 02/06/2023 19:03

Ten hours away and no flights? None at all?? Where do you all live?

Original poster

adviceseeker22 · 03/06/2023 07:10

It's 10 hours with traffic. We both live rurally in opposite parts of the country (523mi according to Google). I have slightly more flexibility with work, but do need internet access just in case and there's none where she lives.

I find it sad that they all just took the "it is what it is" attitude and nobody tried to compromise.

OP posts:

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