AIBU that this is kind of sad?

[adviceseeker22]

So my DH and I love about 8-10hrs away from his DM. Normally (but bear in mind that COVID was part of it) my SIL (who lives in the same county as us) would go and get their DM and my DH would drive her back. However, this year it turns out that she has timed it so it overlaps with something she's doing where their DM lives so it's like a two birds one stone situation. However we're abroad for most of the time my MIL is here and the DCs won't be able to see her bar one day. That's it that's all they'll see her for this year. Other reason being that she doesn't like to sit around at home when she's visiting (so DH has to take time off and he has none left). They're all taking the angle of "it is what it is" but I'm pretty sure it would either have been planned better, or my MIL could enjoy the garden while we work and enjoy the DC, but apparently that's not good enough. I just find the whole a bit sad.

You are blaming the wrong people here. This is caused by your dh not factoring his mother in when sorting his annual leave.
Of course if his sister is near there anyway, she will is that opportunity.

A 10 h drive as a standard method of transport is

You could take the DC to visit MIL for a weekend if it's that important to you.

There must be airports nearby which would allow for a weekend trip (leave Friday night) if you really wanted. Even driving for an hour at each end would save time and mental effort/inconvenience of 10h in the car.

I mean there must be flights that would make it more doable. Why didn't you go to see her at Xmas if it was that important to you?

It is sad, but it sounds like DH job is difficult about these things. From the excuses you're throwing about with DH work, which u am sure are true, it is a miracle that you, DH, MIL, and SIL manage to make it work most years.

There are lots of unmovable parts here. It feels like maybe slightly more effort in the planning from both sides might have helped, but that's only with the benefit of hindsight.

I would say FH and kids (and you if you can) should try to do a few days with her near, but not at Christmas if possible. But just try to get this visit sorted first before anything else next year. But no one is more to blame than the other for this not working out this time.

There are airports demi nearby, but there aren't any daily flights. I think there's one twice a week (and it's seasonal!) To go to my companies HQ (not in London), I need to drive 6 hours non stop, or take 3 diffent trains, or drive 90mins to the airport, and then once there it's about another 90mins in public transport. Which just makes it easier to drive. I tried to get there not so far away for work (ballpark) and ended up 9+ hours on the train.

The things is that given how they do AL at my husband's work place we wouldn't have had any time for our holiday abroad. Something the children have been looking forward to for years. Of his 5 weeks this year, he already "owed" one from last year because he had an allergic reaction at work (or it was his back can't remember). They make them take AL instead of sick leave. So we had 4 left, 2 for this holiday, and two that he's forced to take around Christmas.

There must be a flight that works better. Scotland ? to Stanstead, S'ton, London City or Bristol/Exeter/Cardiff.

Given the price of fuel, tyres, etc each round trip must cost £160 minimum. your MIL could fly for that money, or at least be close in cost. Especially if the return is over a Saturday night.

It might be worth looking at?

Well I can understand sil tying the journey in with an event they're attending, that makes a lot of sense.

But instead of sil collecting her and dp taking her back a week later, why can't dp collect her (a week earlier than planned) and then sil takes her home when she travels there for the event?

See her at Christmas?

So we've tried around Christmas.

She didn't like it here (I was still working but my DH was around). We don't celebrate Christmas in a very traditional way (we have dinner on the 24th and open presents that day to allow for how traditions are where I'm originally from). She didn't like it and said we ruined Christmas, she even cried).

When we went there, we stayed at my BILs house. They have 9 cats and my husband ended up in hospital because of the allergies. We've suggested staying in a hotel next time, but everybody got super offended.

Anywho, I just found the whole attitude bizarre.

It also sounds like you just passively wait for sil to organise this and tell you when she's coming. I think, if it's important to you, you could be more proactive.

And if I was mil I think I'd be a bit sad that I'm only invited once a year, you never visit her, her son cba saving even one day of AL to spend time with her.

My SIL goes that way the week we go to France. She drives her back, stays here for two weeks. We're in France for almost all of those two weeks, get home spend a day with her, and then drive her back. We would be be able to get her early because we're both working!

It's sad that nobody compromised?!! What you mean is it is sad nobody organised it to suit you.

Perhaps SIL is fed up of having to always compromise to suit you. It's hardly her fault your DH has taken all his annual leave in the first 5 months of the year.

We see her once a year (albeit I didn't last year because they went on their own, or maybe I saw her in the summer can't remember). I manage my side of the family (which involves driving 6 hours to Heathrow) and get them back.

The difference is that they stay here for weeks and are happy with any of us not taking any time off and spending the evenings, weekends, lunch times with them.

Thats surely unlawful. They can't make him take annual leave instead of sick leave.

Your OH needs to stand up for himself in work or get another job. His employers sound awful.

I've always said his workplace is unreasonable but he always takes their side, saying it's understandable as they're a small business.

@adviceseeker22 so what is the compromise you think made most sense?

you say your family stay at your home even when you work, is that more than 1 person rather than just a single person like your MIL? To be fair I wouldn’t want to stay in someone else’s house on my own either, I wouldn’t be able to relax.

is there not an Air B and B within 30mins-1 hr of her home you could stay at for Wi-Fi and visit her on and off over a week?

it is a difficult situation but it sound difficult because of multiple reasons, not just MIL not wanting to stay in an empty house, but your DHs lack of leave and crappy work.

I kind of understand her feelings around Christmas being ruined if she celebrates a specific way and at your home it was entirely different. Particularly with her being a guest. I suppose its the same as you may feel if allowances weren't made to how DHs Christmases would've been as a child in MILs home in order to make room for your traditions.Your traditions must be very special to you given it sound like every year your family does Christmas differently to how DHs family did it to facilitate your traditions rather than, for example, alternating years. In her shoes I'd have enjoyed experiencing someone else's culture and traditions but probably would've felt a pang for how Christmas usually is in my family. I wonder if you could visit her for Christmas one year and have a Christmas how she does it, but if she comes to you Christmas will be how you do it because its your family and home?

If your DH is driving her back then he gets an extra 10 hours in the car with her as well as the day she's staying with you so it's enough time to catch up. If this was really a priority, there's been countless bank holidays this year where you could've gone to see her.

Given the intractable situation of your holiday and DH's annual leave (surely it's illegal to force employees to 'pay back' sick leave with annual leave), I don't see how they can have any better reaction that 'it is what it is'. At least they're not kicking off or making a fuss about it, which would achieve precisely nothing.

Also the fact about MIL crying when she felt your ruined her Christmas is quite telling. Maybe she's fine to have a more minimal stay, see the kids and then have more one to one time with DH in the car.

Where do you live?

It seams a bit selfish that you want someone to sit in your garden for a week looking after the kids while you both work. Maybe you should have planned a bit better and saved some leave if you wanted your kids to see the Gran. I wouldn't want to spend a week doing that.

It's normally just one family member. My DM just stayed here for 5 weeks. (She left a week ago). I've always WFH so I think she's very used to it. Two years ago, on the same day I dropped of my DM at Heathrow and my MIL arrived, I remember because we joked "one in, one out".

IMO it would make sense if maybe she either a) stayed an extra week, b) stayed for the weekend, and then my husband drove her back, but then comes the whole issue that he has no AL etc, etc, etc...

But regardless of when, your DH would still have no holiday left due to you going away. The issue is your ploughing on without considering seeing his mum, which is surprising if this is so important to you.

Perhaps you need to make more effort if you want to see her more?

And perhaps compromise on Christmas to allow some of their traditions as well so she could enjoy too.

We've planned this trip before this year even started. TBH I don't think anybody thought about the practicalities if visiting his DM though. Something we did last year, as he only spent one week with my family because he had to save the other week for his DM.

So cant she just stay the weekend, drive her back Monday, and DH work extra hours elsewhere to make us the hours for Monday?