AIBU that this is kind of sad?

[adviceseeker22]

So my DH and I love about 8-10hrs away from his DM. Normally (but bear in mind that COVID was part of it) my SIL (who lives in the same county as us) would go and get their DM and my DH would drive her back. However, this year it turns out that she has timed it so it overlaps with something she's doing where their DM lives so it's like a two birds one stone situation. However we're abroad for most of the time my MIL is here and the DCs won't be able to see her bar one day. That's it that's all they'll see her for this year. Other reason being that she doesn't like to sit around at home when she's visiting (so DH has to take time off and he has none left). They're all taking the angle of "it is what it is" but I'm pretty sure it would either have been planned better, or my MIL could enjoy the garden while we work and enjoy the DC, but apparently that's not good enough. I just find the whole a bit sad.

I think she should stay the extra week after and you will have to work out days out between you. DH will need to go back to his work and say that losing the week due to sickness is causing him this trouble and needs 3 days , unpaid if he has to, but he should have been paid for his sick leave . Maybe taking Mon wed fri will be less disruptive to work? MIL will have to amuse herself or perhaps you can take her out for lunch, be flexible with work?

Bet SIL feels she has been doing all the coordination and has stepped back to do what suits her, if so then dh needs to step forward. Imo he also needs to sacrifice time off with your parents and save that for his dm. Then you both get time with your parents and dc see both sets. And why can't he get her the weekend before? Why does it have to be a weekday before but not after? Wonder how dh feels, maybe it's how he wants it, if not then he can do something with those feelings, not up to sil DM or dw to resolve, though I know we often do try.

You need to be more proactive in your planning or accept these visits won't happen until one of you moves nearer, or DH gets a different job. You are blaming the wrong people.

But he hasn't taken any timr off to brbeith my family :/ (not have I for that matter).

In all honesty I don't think my DH thought about it all he's not the biggest planner in the slightest.

He won't ask for either extra AL or unpaid sick pay. We've had big fall outs around this in the past

You all seem a bit "can't do" in attitude.

1. You want to go abroad, but want your DH to have more leave, but he won't take unpaid leave, but nobody wants to adapt plans at Christmas. It's obvious that unpaid leave or someone adapting at Christmas are both straightforward solutions. Book an AirBNB near MIL and see her a couple of the days.
2. Take flights from Newquay or Aberystwyth, or overnight trains, or any other method that has to be easier than 10 hours driving.
3. Picking up MIL a week earlier could also be done on a weekend day, not sure why you've even called that a barrier.

But he hasn't taken any timr off to brbeith my family :/ (not have I for that matter).

Then stop complaining if you don't get to see any parents. You are coming across as wanting everyone to run around you without any effort from yourself. If you want your children to know their grandparents a lot better then move house, or plan like the military. You need to do it, not others. That said, is DP actually that bothered about seeing his own mother?

I don't fully understand your AIBU. For being 'sad'? You don't come across as particularly sad. Maybe a tad disappointed but it sounds like you're saying schedules just don't work well this year so kids will only get to see Granny for 1 day. Sounds like everyone's accepted that. OH is not prepared to take unpaid leave and your MIL (who presumably doesn't work) is not prepared to visit at a time that suits your family or compromise with attention/activities during visits. Is anyone actually complaining, or is it just a case of Ah well, and a shoulder shrug?

Why don't you invite her or both grandmas on one of your family holidays? They could enjoy the kids together and also be good babysitter one or two evenings

Like I always say with these things, if he was that bothered about finding time, he would. Not your MIL’s fault she doesn’t want to sit on her arse all week bored, just to fit in with your plans.

They won't let him.take unpaid leave.

We could.pick up my MIL earlier but the same would remain, we'd both be working and then leave for France. So I don't see how that could work at all.

There are no flights anywhere nearby. Night trains only take you as far as London, and it takes what like 6-7 hours? And get there before 6? Plus the cost of a cabin is £100 one way.

We did suggest the Airbnb thing but as mentioned they all got offended because we were to "precious" about hanging out with the 9 cats.

Him getting more time off has always been an issue. A couple of weeks I ended having to take diazepam because he wouldn't take the time off. I was still WFH (they allowed me to go part time) as our 3yo (then a toddler) was off nursery for 3 weeks. So I had to juggle all of that and didn't get any help from him. Even last year when I had a vander scare he wouldn't take the time off to go with me to the hospital.

Theoretically he's now finally "got it" but it's more a thing that we simply not talk about to avoid arguing.

Depending on how old your kids are, finances and how sad/ bothered you really are, In that position I'd get some one to look after my kids or do school runs one Monday/
Friday and go fetch her myself on the Friday and drop her back on the Monday. I'd hire a car near her and fly there to preserve energy for the drive.
She'd have the weekend with her son and family.

If you were free around the august bank holiday it could be a longer trip or perhaps SIL could do one leg of it.

What do you expect anyone to say @adviceseeker22 ? Every option you just say no, without bothering to try.
Your DH has not even asked for unpaid leave, just ask.
You can drive to Newquay and fly from there, or have MIL sleep on the comfy train and be picked up each end.
It doesn't matter if people prefer you to stay, you say "We can't because of allergies, we've booked this flat" and that's the end of it.
If it's only France, take MIL with you.

You're turning it into a drama instead of just picking a solution. Pick a solution.

just have your MIL to stay some other time.

If your husband is low on leave he also be at any other time this year - I assume you mean thar they could share the time with her so he’d need less, but you cannot expect your SIL to arrange her life around your husband’s availability.

Fighterofthenightman1 · Today 08:27
UglyNameChange · Yesterday 14:33

I’m not a mil or grandmother, but ditting in someone else’s garden and babysitting and having couple of hours with people after their tired from work, doesn’t sound like a good time…Sorry.
Are sad because now you don’t have a free babysitter?

“What a pathetic comment. She's their grandmother 🙄 Spending time with your grandkids is usually a nice thing, especially if you don't see them very often”

Not pathetic at all. When (if) I get to 75 I shan’t be impressed if I’m invited to travel for 10 hours then spend a week babysitting while my daughter/son go to work.

Is she a fit and well 75 because if she is she's not exactly helping the situation. My FIL sees us every 6 weeks and he's 83 and drives 4 hours each way. He prefers it as he loves where we live and hates where he lives

I find it sad that she's shutting herself off from so much by refusing to do something as easy and normal as get on a train.

She won't take ANY form of public transport no matte how comfy or seamless it might be.

My husband has asked for unpaid leave in the past and they just refuse.

The visit normally happens around August bank holiday (it's around her visit) but this year got moved because of the timings of the festival.

As much as I'm sad for the situation I travel quite a bit for work (just in May I spent at least 3 days every week travelling around). The least I want to do is travel even more, when all I want is my home.

She doesn't like how I drive, so she won't drive with me either. She also says she doesn't understand my accent, so talking isn't super straightforward either

Nobody seems bothered but me, so maybe I'll just accept it.

I grew up with a grandmother that lived in a different country and I didn't see her every year. I still knew who she was and loved her dearly! So I really wouldn't worry about that.

The crying over Christmas was pathetic.

That was a great opportunity to have your traditional Christmas on the 24th and a UK traditional Christmas on the 25th. She could have cooked a turkey crown (frozen, pre prepared, some Brussel sprouts & spuds, shop bought gravy, stuffing + frozen spuds. Boom. Christmas dinner; You or DH could easily do that.

She could and wrapped up £15 of big-looking presents and voila, Christmas 2.0. Freeze leftovers from the 25 th. Eat X2 Christmas leftovers on the 26th.

And here's a plan for a bank holiday Monday.

You drive 4 hours Friday morning. Get to Stratford upon Avon or whatever. Have a day out with your family. Stay overnight in whatever nearby Holiday inn. Then drive 4 hours the next day. She drives 2 hours towards you. You spend Saturday together. She drives 2 hours back in the evening, or if that is too taxing, she stays overnight there. You can all stay overnight there. Sunday you drive back 4/6 hours. Stay overnight somewhere. Monday morning, drive back 4 hours.

Grandmother seen. No annual leave used.

OR

Even if there aren't planes, I'm pretty sure there are fast trains for a good whack of the way. Pick her up an hour away. Have her keep a couple of outfits at your house, so that all she needs to bring is a handbag. E.g. if a pair of her trousers, shoes, pants & bra + cardigan live in a bag at your house she won't have to navigate a train with a suitcase. Just pack a couple of blouses.

Also if you say you're a passenger who needs special assistance they will usually get someone to take you to a connection.

If she doesn't drive and refuses to use public transport, then she's refusing to see her grandkids.

It is sad that none of you seem able or willing to compromise on any aspect.

But it's the BIL I feel most sorry for. Both of his siblings live 10 hours away while he lives closest to the DM who seems to be quite reliant on others.

I think you have bigger problems 😯

If nobody seems that bothered about the visit then you need to drop it. The main planners should be DH and his mother and they don't care enough. I know you are trying to facilitate grandchildren/grandparent contact but I think you are fighting a losing battle atm.

If sounds as if you are completely tied by your husband's ridiculous annual leave rules. You also seem to have tied yourself in knots trying to comply with your respective mothers 'rules' re travel to you. It is a shame but if they want to adapt they can. The ball is sadly not in your court here.

I think my mother adapts as much as she can. She used to come by train and take the Heathrow express by herself. Now she loves to claim she needs assistance (even if she clearly doesn't). AFAIK my MIL has never been independent and when my FIL died, it just got worse. (She doesn't know how to pay bills so my BILs partner does it for her).

To an extent, I think she prefers the status quo, she never feels at home with us, when we visit she gets genuinely overwhelmed and upset.

They both are very similar in that they have very odd rules of engagement, (both won't eat unless you make them/offer something), both will say everything is fine and explode eventually during the visit, etc...

Do any of you actually enjoy her visits? If she is fit and well then it's unreasonable of her to put so many restrictions on her visits, therefore putting strain on your DH's already stretched annual leave. It's sad that she won't get on a train or get in the car with the OP in order to see her grandchildren. The suggestion of 20 hours in the car with DCs for a weekend away is ridiculous.