AIBU that this is kind of sad?

[adviceseeker22]

So my DH and I love about 8-10hrs away from his DM. Normally (but bear in mind that COVID was part of it) my SIL (who lives in the same county as us) would go and get their DM and my DH would drive her back. However, this year it turns out that she has timed it so it overlaps with something she's doing where their DM lives so it's like a two birds one stone situation. However we're abroad for most of the time my MIL is here and the DCs won't be able to see her bar one day. That's it that's all they'll see her for this year. Other reason being that she doesn't like to sit around at home when she's visiting (so DH has to take time off and he has none left). They're all taking the angle of "it is what it is" but I'm pretty sure it would either have been planned better, or my MIL could enjoy the garden while we work and enjoy the DC, but apparently that's not good enough. I just find the whole a bit sad.

Everyone else has decided "it is what it is", is not looking at alternative ways to change the arrangements, and accepts the situation.
You have decided "it is what it is", are not looking at alternative ways to change the arrangements, are unhappy with everyone else's decisions and moaning but still not doing anything.

Either accept the situation for this year or DO SOMETHING TO CHANGE IT. Take your own annual leave to go and collect her (so you won't need phone reception for work) or perhaps consider doing Christmas differently for just one year. Do Christmas her/DHs way and make it about them this year. Just don't be sad and whinge if you're not prepared to put yourself out to solve this problem no-one else has an issue with.

It all sounds from your posts that there is a bit of an attitude of resignation thay everything is so complicated. Lots of reasons why XYZ doesn't work but ABC does even if ABC is a laboured method.

I would maybe think about having a more positive 'can do' attitude as a whole family. MiL needs to try harder to travel, she's not that old at 75. And she needs to relax about Christmas traditions, part of being a wider family is sometimes doing things differently. Maybe you could come home 2 days early and see more of MIL in the summer? Or use Bank Holidays to see her?

Very easy to say as I know it's hard to coordinate multiple adults, schedules, attitudes etc. But if no one if willing to change then don't worry about it, let your husband, SIL and MIL carry on.

Also, why a 6 hour drive there and back to an airport to collect your relatives? There are coaches that would bring them much nearer to you to collect!

Our 3yo doesn't know his grandmas, that's what makes me sad. He's seen my DM every year since he was born, but he obviously has no clue who she is and takes a while to warm up to her. I even told my DM she should stay for longer, but wouldn't. She might come back later in the year.

I'm assuming it's the same with his other grandmother.

My DM won't take a train! (She used to though). This year I ran the London marathon and told her that maybe I couldnt go and collect her at the airport because of schedules, but that we could meet her at the hotel. That I would book her a taxi driver who would have a sign with her name. She refused to.... So had to go a day early to accommodate for her.

You all sound to have unhealthy relationships with parents. You're facilitating their whims, and your husband is following the same pattern with his "can't " take leave.

It seems your life would be happier if closer to an extended family. You could consider a move but be aware their whims maybe no easier to deal with

We've planned this trip before this year even started. TBH I don't think anybody thought about the practicalities if visiting his DM though.

So you never told the sister about your holiday dates? That's on you then. Fine to feel sad but better to be more practical about it next time. You can't really act like her visit matters to you when the reality is it never crossed your mind and what matters is the holiday. Your 3yo won't remember her much from this era regardless when it's only once a year.

This is an example of ridiculous unnecessary pandering. Why do you feel you have to do that? Why do her wants trump yours? I think you should start to explore this in counselling, or a the very least read some books about codependency, narcissistic parenting etc.

My SIL knew we were going away for monthd, but she's going to a festival so her dated can't be moved.

Yes, we're moving closer to that part of the country eventually, that's definitely the plan.

What a pathetic comment. She's their grandmother 🙄 Spending time with your grandkids is usually a nice thing, especially if you don't see them very often

You have my sympathy OP.

My parents and extended family live in another country (1 hr flight but realistically a 4-6 hour journey), 2 of my siblings in different European countries, DH's mum at the other end of Europe (5 hr flight). DH's and her extended family are in another country.

Until very recently all our holidays were in locations where our family lives. Luckily both of us have decent holiday allowances.

Prior to the pandemic MIL would fly to us and we plus 2 kids plus SIL would travel to their home country every summer (which I happen to like so on board with that)

MIL now won't travel, has allowed her passport to expire and has resisted all efforts to get her a new one. DH and I divide up our leave between us so he goes to see her and I go to see my family. It's not brilliant but we are pulled in all directions

I felt it was the least I could do considering she flew 11hrs to see me cross the finish line. Plus we made the best out of that situation but it was WEEKS of arguing about it. My MIL won't even use any form of public transport, so either somebody drives her around or she doesn't do anything.

If your DH doesn't like the plans his mother and sister have made, then in future he might want to be a bit more proactive in the planning. He knew he was going abroad so should really have come up with a suggestion that didn't clash with that. Sounds like he's a bit passive in the whole thing, so can't really be surprised when people make plans to suit them. You can't really blame his sister for the two birds thing, it seems sensible to me. I also don't blame his mum for not wanting to spend two weeks sitting in your garden while you're at work tbh.

6 hrs from Heathrow? where do you live?
There needs some better planning or accepting MIL and your DH don't seem that bothered.

The thought of living six hours from Heathrow makes me feel itchy. Thing is OP she's not your mum, her children are ok with the situation and she's not willing to make any effort in terms of travelling part way etc. You live very rurally so this is a natural downside. I'm with them it is what it is.
Your husband could call in sick on the Monday and drive her home then so she spends a few days with your DC, but realistically living so far apart they're not going to have a really close relationship. I also don't think you and your husband should have to use all of your annual leave up each year visiting relatives or facilitating them visiting you, you're allowed time off as a family to relax

Your husband needs to read up on the laws around employment. It is illegal for his company to hide sickness, which is reported to HMRC by making staff take holiday. Parental leave is a right, so he shouldn't be taking annual leave to look after his children when care fails or he is sick. Speak to ACAS or tell him to join a union to get the facts. I'm also not sure on being forced to take holiday at Christmas. I would think you have to have free choice about when you take time off, but not sure on that one. He could use parental leave to cover school holidays for example and save annual leave for another time.

I am assuming you are in the UK as you don't say.

Yes we're in the UK, the furthest to the west you could ever imagine! With all the B roads etc... If you get behind a tractor you're absolutely dond in terms of travelling times.

It is sad op. You're allowed to feel disappointed your children won't see their gran more this year!

Make sure your oh and his sister plan things better next year.

Suggest to them all that MIL hops on a train. Or stays at your house even when your DH is at work. Or gets internet where she lives and makes it more feasible for you all to go there. Or comes at Christmas and stops crying because it’s not done her way.

Then step back and leave them to it. Focus on your own mum.

Agreed!

I think it is sad, but I think the saddest thing (it's kind of ridiculous tbh) is that she won't just take a train. You'd think she'd put up with the hassle of that to see her family.

Make the most of the one day.
Next year you will all communicate a little better perhaps.

Does your MIL have a friend who would like to accompany her and drive with her? (MIL and you pay for costs)

I don't think she has any friends who could drive her down, although my BIL sometimes does.

I don't understand why, instead of taking her home, your dp can't pick her up a week early.

I know you keep saying AL but he must have days off, or how did he plan on taking her home?

I can understand why you're disappointed. It doesn't seem very efficient to an outside observer, but this is the way you've always done things in your family and it has worked well enough. This year, instead of a family discussion about which week she's going to come, your SIL says it must be this week as the journey ties in with the festival.

We can't pick her up a week early because the same applies, we'd be both working. He's taking her home during the weekend (so no AL required).