My mother called the police

[Mooshamoo]

My elderly mother can be overbearing. However she has reached new levels.

I told her I would call her last night. However something came up and I didn't. I decided I would call her today instead.

Because I didn't call her last night.

She called the police to come round and check on me this morning. I opened the door to a police woman this morning. The policewoman said "your mother rang us and said she was worried about you".

On top of that, she did something else.

I am selling my house. My mother rang my estate agent this morning aswell and asked him to ring me to check on me.

It was so embarassing. When he rang me I thought he was ringing about the house. He rang and said "your mother called us".

When I spoke to her later I said "why on earth did you ring my estate agent". She said "because he had a key to your house".

I felt so harassed and stressed this morning. like it's way over the top. I mean come on!

you know why i think there's so many people calling op horrible for not wanting to have the police phoned on her by her emotionally abusive and controlling mother, i think that some posters can envision themselves calling the police on their children when they get older and they hate the idea that their children will find that unacceptable and potentially cut them off

Why are you posting about this OP, you don't care about your mum, and don't want to change your behaviour either. A pointless thread

What the fuck is with these responses? A woman has come on here for support, at the end of her tether and there's obviously a massive backstory and posters see fit to pounce on her? Fucking vile.
@Mooshamoo people have just seen an excuse to jump on someone who's upset, it's how they get their kicks. I am so sorry, you sound like you have had it rough. Is there any way you can go low contact? I would be furious too.

This is a genuinely hideous thread. OP has no AIBU, she just wants to tell the world how much she despises her mum.

Or they are just incredibly stupid 🙄 Jesus wept.

Without more information I just accept the OP's version for now. All this "she's getting old....she's suffering from anxiety....it's the start of dementia...you only have one mother". Lots of people in their 70's are perfectly capable, the DM is clearly controlling and overbearing, we don't know about any illness and that could be looked into. Sometimes the one mother we've got isn't very motherly or nice. Go LC or NC.

@Mooshamoo ignore the judgemental ‘oh you only get one mother / what I wouldn’t give to have my mum ring the police on me out of concern / how awful you are for not jumping to mummies command / you are so hard hearted’ people on this thread. They are either too dense to understand the complex relationship you have with your mother or will be that exact kind of mother, suffocating their children into adulthood under the guise of care.

My mum was like this in her early 50s so no, it’s not always dementia and not always about anxiety.

Mine never got to the stage of calling the police but would cycle between my mobile and house phone until I answered - I once counted 50 times out of curiosity. When I answered it was only to enquire where I was and who I was with. And then ended the call when I refused to tell her. I was a grown adult living away from home for many years.

The last straw was when she started calling me on my day off, after a usual 60 hour week, at 7am to yawn down the line at me and then put the phone down.

She tried every manipulative trick in the book when I called her out on it but it was made very clear if she ever called me before 10am again it would be an immediate block. And if she ever called the shared landline my flat mates would report her for harassment.

Not every mother is a good one and the adult child at the end of their tether with a lifetime of living with that is not the one in the wrong or the one who should accommodate shitty behaviour.

It sounds like it could be the beginning of dementia which is very difficult for all concerned to cope with. Late MIL had this and she'd get very anxious about what would normally be trivialities. BIL got the brunt of it. I sympathise as it's very worrying and exhausting.

I think it's more exasperated than furious; it's a complete waste of resources as well!

alzheimer's or not it's not an exuse for op to feel beholden to a mother she has had a shit relationship with from the beginning who has actively told her to her face that she regrets her children, op shouldn't have to worry that because she missed a call that she'll be getting a visit from the police in the name of false 'concern'

Can't you go no contact with her if she is making your life unbearable and you dislike her anyway? It seems like you feel you are supposed to see her because she aged. You don't have to. Can your brother see her more often and is she the same with him?

I am not sure about early dementia if someone expects a call on Thursday and reacts on Friday, though I do not know the OPs mum of course.

I think the OP by not promising another call may have done the right thing. My mum who is much older would phone and leave a message, however we do stick to certain times in the week to call.

Sympathy for the police, none for the estate agent unless they are the one decent one in the OPs area.

'but when my perfectly nice mother was ill i did everything when she started to decline because she's my mum and i only get one' is a horrible and abusive take to have i'm sorry but nobody has to keep anyone in their lives if they're causing them mental distress

OP, I posted upthread about a similar experience with my own mum, whose similar behaviour was eventually diagnosed as the onset of vascular dementia. The problem you have is that she’s now rung the police. At some point - and I’m surprised it didn’t happen first time round - if she rings the police like this again they will attend with an ambulance crew as standard, and they will make a referral to social services, as it indicates a mental health problem.

If attending a GP appointment with your mum isn’t an option, it might be a good idea to ring the surgery and explain what’s going on. Mention that the police have been involved and that her behaviour seems to be escalating and say you would like it brought to the attention of the GP that you think there’s a mental health issue. They won’t be able to discuss the outcome with you, but at least you will have alerted them to the possibility that there’s a problem and they can take it from there. I eventually got an LPA for mum but in the interim I asked her to write a short note to the surgery giving permission to discuss her health with me, which helped a lot.

YANBU based on your updates. The issue is your relationship with her is an exceptionally difficult one that most of us have not experienced. So without that background you will get loads of people telling you are very unreasonable. Most mothers are decent and if my mum did that, I would be incredibly worried about dementia or similar. Your mum sounds toxic which is a whole different ball game.

op has said she's told her mum not to contact her again, i'm sure that will probably bring another police 'wellness check' later on that everyone will defend

as i said nothing awful was said in my comment at all i see it from both sides i dont have a mum anymore but you wont no them feelings so yes i give anything to have my mum back we never always got on never had the perfect child hood but when there gone there gone

I have a relative like your mother. I completely understand. It’s very controlling. People like this aren’t doing it from a loving place, they are doing it from a ‘do as I tell you, or you will face the consequences’ place. Mine ruined friendships by contacting my friends through social media to tell them how ‘cruel’ I was to her (I wasn’t, I just stopped jumping when she told me to). Twisted tales, lies and drama. Things that people like your mother and my relative thrive on.
I hope you selling your house means you are moving far from her. If you are moving away she might be like it because she senses that she’s about to lose some more control of you.

How is she with your brother?

Is he allowed to miss a phone call without being subjected to this shit?

I see he enables her by also phoning you on her say so.

@Mooshamoo you're getting a hard time on here from people who don't have a clue what it's like to have this kind of mother. You have every sympathy from me - solidarity sister! Mine's still here at 91 and God forgive me I cannot wait until I am free. I am damaged beyond repair, beaten, abused, locked in or tied up as a child and verbally abused and hounded just like you as an adult. I am one of four. My 2 sisters are NC [with very good reason] and my brother who possesses a penis and golden balls can do no wrong in her eyes even though he does FA for her. It's me who shops, cares, cooks etc for her. She didn't even come to my wedding - I could go on but want you to know you are most definitely not alone in your distress. For the record I have made a very happy family of my own but she's like a millstone round my neck even now and I'm 67! Hugs, flowers and whatever else you need to get through OP.

Frustrating as it is (my mum is 76), is it not better to call when you say you will knowing she’s anxious if you don’t. A little understanding and sucking it up won’t hurt .

Yanbu

I think you're getting a real hard time on here but that is because people who have never experienced controlling parents cannot fathom that parents can behave in this way.

If anything I commend you because you can see the situation for what it is and are not stuck in the FOG.

Your mother is using the police , estate agent and your brother as flying monkeys and is shaming you into making contact with her .

You are right to feel angry as her manipulation has taken a new turn .

I think good on you for listening to your gut feeling about the situation.

@recklessgran it is reassuring to know there are others out there like us!

People tend to think mothers are saints, not all are

@Mooshamoo It sounds like maybe no contact is what’s best for your own sanity and mental health. I hope you’re ok, few deep breaths and remember she has no power over you now you’re an adult

If it’s dementia it’s not ‘false’ concern and her mum won’t be in control of her behaviour. If the OP wants to stop the visits and phone calls, the best way is to contact her mums’ GP and alert them to a possible mental health problem. The next police involvement will probably also involve an ambulance being called and a referral to social services if they suspect a problem.