My mother called the police

[Mooshamoo]

My elderly mother can be overbearing. However she has reached new levels.

I told her I would call her last night. However something came up and I didn't. I decided I would call her today instead.

Because I didn't call her last night.

She called the police to come round and check on me this morning. I opened the door to a police woman this morning. The policewoman said "your mother rang us and said she was worried about you".

On top of that, she did something else.

I am selling my house. My mother rang my estate agent this morning aswell and asked him to ring me to check on me.

It was so embarassing. When he rang me I thought he was ringing about the house. He rang and said "your mother called us".

When I spoke to her later I said "why on earth did you ring my estate agent". She said "because he had a key to your house".

I felt so harassed and stressed this morning. like it's way over the top. I mean come on!

No I'm not being awful to her. I'm honestly sick to fucking death of her. This was the last straw. Getting the police to my door was harassment.

It's not worry. Its control.

I've just told her now that I don't want to speak to her ever again. I might cave in the future but I want to have a long break away from her insanity

OP your mother sounds a lot like my MIL. Classic narcissistic parenting. Ignore those posters slating you; some mothers are very difficult.

Just have a set time that she calls you or you call her and stick to that. I know what you are going through, you think nobody understands but they do.

What does your brother make of her (he called you repeatedly on her request)?

is that so i just felt a wee be sorry for her maybe she has anxiety and worrys a lot more than she should i see both sides but i dont have a mum so yes it would feel nice to have a mum that cares nothing awful was meant in my comment at all you can call me and others pollyannas as much as you like but i dont judge .
wish you all best 💐

Can you try to be a little more vague about when you will call her? i.e, I call you tomorrow (don’t specify a time) and say you don’t know if she presses you for a time, or I’ll call you in the morning/afternoon/evening?

I imagine the OP’s spent much of her life mourning the relationship she should have had with her mother. That’s on the mother, not the OP.

OP you’ve told your DM that you won’t be in contact for a while so use that time to think about the least worst scenario for you. Whether that’s no contact, one call a fortnight, whatever works best for you. I’m sorry for what you’re going through and that so many posters are giving you a hard time. They clearly have no idea.

I agree with that to an extent. Yes, I had a lovely childhood, and my Mum always did her very best for me and my brother when he was alive. I know that has affected how I dealt with all the problems with my Mum, and my readiness to help her. But I've also had to cope with my mother in law, who is a completely different type of person, and who I've loathed for most of the 45 years I've known her. She's done some dreadful things over the years, and my husband cant stand her either. BUT she's lived alone for many years, and has had a significant decline in her health over the last ten years, with breast cancer and advanced dementia as well. While my priority was always my Mum while she was still alive, I still saw it as my responsibility to help to care for my mother in law when my husband needed support. She also has no-one else apart from my husband and me, and she is a vulnerable, scared old woman now who needs help. No matter what I think of her, I couldn't be so cold hearted as to abandon her when she needs support.

OP, my mum lives with us and her behaviour was similar. It started slowly - she was anxious if we were late home or changed plans and it progressed to ringing round friends and family to see if anyone had seen me if I was late ringing her or coming home. Over the next few months I could see things were escalating and I tried to get her to see her GP because I thought it was anxiety/depression - she seemed anxious and agitated but flatly refused to acknowledge that anything was wrong beyond being worried about us. Then one night my partner and I were out for a meal and she rang the police, and reported us missing !! I’d not long rung her to check everything was OK, so it was a shock when my mobile phone rang and it was the police - they’d gone through the house phone and found my mobile number. When we got home there was a police car and an ambulance outside the house.

Mum was really distressed and genuinely thought something had happened to us. The paramedics advised we should take it as a warning that something was amiss and we took them up on a referral to social services. Not long afterwards mum had a seizure, and after hospital treatment she was referred to the memory clinic for assessment, and a diagnosis of vascular dementia was made. Perhaps try to persuade your mum to see her GP with you, and explain what’s going on, and see what they advise.

OP I can relate to the "I was worried" thing being used to manipulate and control. My mother was never worried about me at times when she blatantly should have been, including when I was a dependent child, the "I'm worried about you" refrain only seems to come out when I don't do what she wants, when she wants me to. Just want to echo what others have said that it might be worth checking out the Stately Homes threads as people will understand that kind of dynamic there. Sorry you've had this distressing experience. Most people would say they are against any kind of child abuse or neglect but many don't seem to make the connection that these children then become adults who are dealing with the effects for a lifetime and then get criticised for not being dutiful enough sons and daughters.

I’d drop her a message next time telling her you’re not going to call
but you’re okay. It’s just common decency although she over reacted she could’ve rang you herself or did she and you ignore?

If you know for sure that her call was not out of love or concern but was 'paying you back' for not calling her as she demanded - then you are not being unreasonable. She is controlling and unreasonable.

That is very sad - and tough for you to cope with. I can see why estranging her might be your only option.

The only behaviour you can change is your own.

it doesn't matter what the issue is, who is right & who is wrong, the solution is under your control.

molly coddling her clearly isn't going to be the solution here, so you need to decide what contact, if any, you want with her, then lay it out to her clearly.

the thing is, sadly, you have to realise she's not going to morph into the mother you want her to be, you can only work with what you have.

you aren't alone, not everyone has the ideal mother/daughter relationship.

but you need to calm down then think about, given what your mother is like, what is the best relationship possible you can have with her & how you can achieve that. WITHOUT expecting her to change (because she won't)

You dont like her, fine. But you're treat her like shit on your shoe and with no compassion. Be there for her or don't, but I dont get why you are in each other's lives of you arent making them better. It's pointless and smacks of being self serving so that when she dies you cam tell yourself you did the right thing.

The right thing is stepping up or stepping out.

I think you need to out it behind you now. Try and get back to the point this morning before the police arrived and move on with your day. If your mother is out for control and punishment she is getting exactly what she wants by your reaction to her and the stress she is causing you. Don't allow her to be a mood hoover.

If you can't get on, go out get some sunshine or a nice cup of tea or whatever works for you. She isn't going to change so find ways to sweep her out of your head!

I want to address the concept of having a mum who cares, which is being used criticize @Mooshamoo. This behaviour has nothing to do with the mother caring for her. This is DEMANDING to be cared about. She has exhibited NO care for @Mooshamoo, but is making a demonstration about the lack of attention she is receiving. My mum was like this and she has been dead for seven years now. Do I miss having a mum who cares about me? Sure! I have ALWAYS missed that. She didn’t care about me when I was young. She didn’t care about me or my kids when she was older. She cared about getting what she wanted and we were all pawns in her imaginary game. People like this woman are completely unable to genuinely connect well enough to care about others. They can only feel the lack of care coming their way.

The right thing is stepping up or stepping out.

Which is what has now happened, according to update post.

Good for you, OP. Let someone else deal with her.

I'd be furious too. Tell her you are blocking her number for a while and do it. Tell your estate agent to do the same if she calls again. The police will soon get tired of her nuisance calls if she tries that again.

You wish you had a mum like mine.

I feel like a prisoner in a domestic abuse relationship with no freedom . I'll send her round to you then

Maybe you can call 101 and explain you don't need welfare checks. Same for EA!! Explain that mum is ill.

What @Fraaahnces said.

Yanbu OP.

People who have had normal, loving mothers will find this very difficult to understand though.

The Stately Homes thread might help.

Your mother's reaction was obviously over the top but you sound uncaring. You know she gets anxious and you'd half arranged to speak on Thursday. It really would have been easy for you to text and say "Sorry mum I'm busy. Will call in a couple of days".
I think lots of parents would worry if their daughter agreed to call on a certain day and then didn't and they couldn't get hold of her. Ok, most wouldn't call the police! But they'd worry.
Your mum lives alone. Maybe your phone call to her is one of the highlights of her week. I'd never leave my mum waiting for my call. I'd always tell her if I couldn't do it. It's just polite.

I get what you’re saying OP. You owe her nothing. Mother or not. LC was the only way o dealt with this sort of behaviour from someone similar in my life. It was enough to gain back some sanity so I could feel like I wasn’t stuck in a glass jar

My too I'm afraid. We could be talking years down the line, but stuff like this is often a sign.

Honestly you're not alone OP, this is my situation as well. I remember being upstairs once and a policeman wandering in through the back patio doors calling out my name on behest of my mother. I had told her I wanted a few days peace and quiet, there was no emergency. I just don't want 20 phonecalls a day.

This goes on and on and on. The police tend to ignore her nowadays as they know she's only phoning them as I don't want a phonecall.

Definitely sympathise, don't feel embarrassed though, they can sus when it's unnecessary.