My mother called the police

[Mooshamoo]

My elderly mother can be overbearing. However she has reached new levels.

I told her I would call her last night. However something came up and I didn't. I decided I would call her today instead.

Because I didn't call her last night.

She called the police to come round and check on me this morning. I opened the door to a police woman this morning. The policewoman said "your mother rang us and said she was worried about you".

On top of that, she did something else.

I am selling my house. My mother rang my estate agent this morning aswell and asked him to ring me to check on me.

It was so embarassing. When he rang me I thought he was ringing about the house. He rang and said "your mother called us".

When I spoke to her later I said "why on earth did you ring my estate agent". She said "because he had a key to your house".

I felt so harassed and stressed this morning. like it's way over the top. I mean come on!

Well you've got your own back now, if you've told her you don't ever want to speak to her again. I expect you might have ruined her day as well.

@araiwa This is literally one of the most insane responses I've ever read on MN. What is the matter with you? Are you always this goady and unreasonable?

My mum was like this from her early 50s. She died at 80 of dementia, and it intensified to the point of being suffocating. There may well be a medical cause behind it, but I completely understand how the op is feeling. It's exhausting, and feels coercive.

It was an instinctive reaction to a distressing situation. Don't be so obtuse.

@recklessgran - I’m so sorry you’re in this position. I looked after mine until she died, nursing her 24/7 for months while my brother came over and used her credit card to buy himself shit. I did the washing and cooking, feeding, changing the bed while she fought and spat and insulted me, etc…. My DH and kids (who were little) were on the other side of the world and looking back, I regret taking that time away from all of them. On the way to her funeral, my DH asked if there was anything he could do to help me through that day and I looked at him and asked “Do you have any idea where we can get some holy water and some wooden stakes?”
I ended up extremely traumatised after her death. Not because I lost a caring mother, but because I had NEVER had one.

@Growlybear83 I don't think you realise that would be water off a duck's back anyway.

but if op has been abused by her mother her entire life why does she owe her the courtesy of looking after her if she has got dementia

OP, try to ignore some of the vile responses on here. Some people seem to lack empathy to an astonishing degree, or simply can't imagine that their own experience of life/relationships might not apply to other people.

I sympathise re. your relationship with your mother. You've done absolutely wrong here. If, as you say, this isn't a mental health/dementia issue with your mum, I suspect this is largely about her exerting control over you. She wants you to do what she wants, when she wants, or she feels entitled to make your life difficult.

Firm line in the sand. Tell her that you will stay in regular contact at times that work for you as well as her, and that if she ever pulls a number like that again, you'll go no contact until she apologises. I would call the local police and explain the situation.

This will only get worse as she ages.
Make sure you've got Power of Attorney with your brother.

When you move could you not give her your address?

The trouble with this approach is that if it isn’t a mental health issue (and OP sees more of her mother’s life and actions in order to have a better idea on whether this might be the case than anyone else on here) then it is playing into the hands of a controlling abuser and will make OP’s life more miserable.

Not insane - probably what will happen given time, if the OP doesn’t address a possible MH problem. My own mum was diagnosed with vascular dementia after very similar behaviour - anxiety, controlling behaviour, chasing round trying to locate me - escalated to calling the police and reporting myself and my partner missing when we were out for a couple of hours for a meal. The police were concerned enough to call an ambulance for a health check on mum while they located us, and the paramedics did a referral to social services. I’m surprised this didn’t happen when the OP’s mum called the police, but it will happen at some point if she calls them again, and it’s not pleasant.

WTAF is going on with this thread?! The OP has explained that her mother is controlling and has been abusive. And posters are coming back saying shit like "you only get one mother" - this is madness! Did someone on MN declare that all parents must be loved and obeyed even if they've put their (now adult) kids through years of misery?

This thread is illuminating. Talk about folks who never had a narcissistic mother, having no idea what it's like to have a narcissistic mother. How the other half live.

It seems clear that the poster wants to be out of her mother's life and vice versa. Why on earth would she want power of attorney?

In spite of the tone of some of the responses on the thread, OP, over 90% of people who have voted think that you are NOT unreasonable. I can only conclude that the others lack empathy, or the ability to understand that their own experience is not universal.

Why would op want power of attorney to a mother she doesn't like, doesn't want to speak to her again and it's pretty unlikely mum would want that either.

And if it is a mental health issue, the behaviour will continue. I can well understand the OP being angry and frustrated but she could save herself a lot of problems by just alerting her mums’ GP to a possible mental health issue and asking them to investigate.

I've just told her now that I don't want to speak to her ever again. I might cave in the future but I want to have a long break away from her insanity

You posted about a similar scenario with your mum before, didn't you? I seem to remember the last time.

I don't know why you haven't gone NC already, to be honest. You obviously can't stand her. Do you think if you DO go NC, she'll stop contacting you?

Like PP, I too wonder if she's unwell but that isn't your first instinct and it doesn't seem like you'd care even if she was or see it as viable excuse. I definitely think a reasonable breathing space would be in order here. Presumably your brother can check in on her welfare?

This is exactly it @Mooshamoo my mother is the exact same. I'm NC you should think about that. Everything had conditions attached to it. None of my siblings had/have contact. My oldest Sister who died 10 years ago took the brunt of her shit because she stayed in our home town. My other Sister and me moved away. It's all for attention and oh look at poor me and no one cares or speaks to me. Both my parents were alcoholics, my mother addicted to prescription drugs and had severed mental health problems. I could type for a long time but just want to say I hear you OP and its time to stop having her in your life until or if she can stick to boundaries. 💐

Oh OP, you sound completely at the end of your tether. Once you've had a chance to calm down I think it would be useful to really think about what you'd like contact with your mother to look like going forwards. If that's NC, then you have the right to do that. If it's continuing some form of contact I really do think having a set time, once a week or whatever works best could work for you. You'll call at 6pm on a Sunday (or whatever) and will text if you're not able to.

I get you shouldn't have to do that but it does give you back the control. A quick chat once a week and it's done, you don't need to worry about who she is going to call next or think about ot outside of that ten minute call.

She will not change. It's frustrating for you but it's also futile to spend your time raging about it and being pissed off or stressed. You need to take a deep breath and work out what you want. Work out your plan of action will be. It is not ideal, life often isn't and we can't choose our family or control how they act......but it's a better solution than how things currently are.

@FigTreeInEurope I know, right? One of the worst things about narcissistic parents is having to deal with other people when you finally keep them at a distance. It's doubly abusive - having to deal with awful parents in the first place, then having to deal with people who are judgy about the steps you take to protect yourself.

I'm no contact with my son. I see posters all the time saying that we love our children unconditionally, they would never cut them off.

That's because they don't have my son, in the same way they don't have your mother OP. Empathy is in short supply on here at times.

Do what you need to do to protect yourself.

OP you have my heartfelt sympathy. My late mother was a controlling, avaricious, narcissistic bitch. She got friends to write to me saying how upset she was I wasn't speaking to her - she'd tried to take £40k from us in 1992 after paying all her bills for 6 months. I rang the friend and related various events from my childhood. Bugger me if I didn't get another bloody letter full of sympathy and apologies.
To all the 'you've only got 1 mother, be kind etc brigade', there's only 1 useful reply and it's odfod with knobs on.
Might be worth changing your number, ringing 101, and, when you move 'forgetting' to give her your address.
Good luck, and hugs.

I suppose it depends on whether the OP has any interests which need protecting. An LPA could be useful in the event that this is mental health related, in that it would give the OP more control over decision making etc., which may ultimately make her life easier.