My mother called the police

[Mooshamoo]

My elderly mother can be overbearing. However she has reached new levels.

I told her I would call her last night. However something came up and I didn't. I decided I would call her today instead.

Because I didn't call her last night.

She called the police to come round and check on me this morning. I opened the door to a police woman this morning. The policewoman said "your mother rang us and said she was worried about you".

On top of that, she did something else.

I am selling my house. My mother rang my estate agent this morning aswell and asked him to ring me to check on me.

It was so embarassing. When he rang me I thought he was ringing about the house. He rang and said "your mother called us".

When I spoke to her later I said "why on earth did you ring my estate agent". She said "because he had a key to your house".

I felt so harassed and stressed this morning. like it's way over the top. I mean come on!

that is just not true! She has no responsibility at all to her. If she was a decent mother then she would probably wan to be more involved but you reap what you sow.

I think you are being awful to your mum, has it ever crossed your mind that she is worried about you?

All you had to do is ring her when you say you are going too.

Bless her. Sounds like she is starting to get confused. Maybe a social services check with her to see how they can help her going forward. Sounds like she needs a bit of help. Lovely of her to care though I woudl be touched.
on a totally different note. Where do you live ? If you phoned the police where I live you would be lucky to get an answer before chrismas from them

This is essentially what she wanted, have a little rest or a hot drink and resolve in your mind that you can only control your reactions, do not allow her to ruin the rest of your day, it is lovely weather ( at least where I am ) go and have a cathartic stroll or enjoy your garden, anything to brighten your mood.

You said in your first post "I told her I would call her last night". Then knowing she has anxiety and is a worrier, you didn't call or or send her a message that you weren't going to call. It seems that was somewhat intentional to make her worry.

Did she try and reach you last night or this morning? Any missed calls or messages or emails? If she also coulnd't get ahold of you, then you basically disappeared for hours and weren't responding to efforts for her to reach you after saying you would call her on a specific evening.

If you didn't call her, and she made no effort to reach you and called the police - that is definitely an overreaction. You are also completely overreacting to say you won't talk to her for weeks after setting this whole scenario up in the first place.

You sounds like you are as drama filled as she is. You both have anxiety and over react and it sound slike you both have an unhealthy dynamic

bless her i wish i had a mum that cared as much as yours .
maybe just call or text her once a day to let her know your ok .

My sister and I decided never to tell our mother when we would call or visit. We also made sure not to call or visit on the same day or at the same each week, as she would expect it going forward which was a nightmare for us.
Can you do the same?

This seems like a good strategy to manage a demanding parent.

A much better one than 'she should be different, so I refuse to do anything approach.'

I get you, you are not being unreasonable. I too have a very difficult relationship with my mother and like you, she's my mum I don't wish her any harm but she's not someone I would choose to have as a friend.

When I left home at 20, my mum asked my new next door neighbour to ring and let my mum know if I had any visitors! My mum, in the days before mobile phones and knowing I was working 2 jobs, used to start calling my home phone at 5.30am. she would them call me up to 20 times a day at work and I'd often get home to a full answer machine. All dressed up as concern, in reality it was because she couldn't control my whereabouts any more.

It was suffocating. It still is suffocating, although she doesn't call me like that anymore, I get anxious and resentful I have had blazing rows with her about this in the past and it works for a while and then starts again. She is now in her 70s and not suffering with dementia she still calls me her baby and I'm in my 50s.🤮

Texting is not the answer, my mum would never think to look for a text and that's because she likes to hear my voice. I call her every other dayish for 5 minutes on my way home from work. That seems to stop the worst of it and makes me feel less anxious.

I don't know what the answer is, but you are not wrong to feel the way you do.

@Mooshamoo

There's obviously a much bigger backstory than just 'My mother treated me badly growing up', but the specifics are yours to tell or not tell. But no amount of saying "She needs to stop doing XX" or "I'm not going to cater to her" is going to change a damned thing. She (unfortunately) doesn't have to change just because you want her to.

I guess my feelings are that if indeed she treated you so badly that you don't like or love her, feel no sense of caring for her, and see her as a 'negative' in your life then the best thing to do would be to just go NC with her. You'd probably have a period of her harassing you, but there are legal ways to deal with that. Or you can send a simple text saying "Won't be able to call you tonight".

OP I'm on your side here, some of these responses are bizarre. Your mother is lucky that you talk to her at all, from what you've said.

Create some big boundaries, hopefully that'll stop her manipulating you, and also give you some peace of mind.

Have you read the OP’s posts?

So many clueless Pollyannas in this thread.

Her behaviour is ridiculous, but I would give her times that I am going to ring and I would stick to them if I thought it would make her less anxious.

You seem to think only about your own inconvenience but I can imagine that she must have been really worried about you. She might not have slept at all last night. If you have never experienced a high level of anxiety, you would not understand but at least have some compassion.

You know your mother, you should have called or texted her. It is not difficult, and would have saved your mother from a sleepless night and you from the embarrassment.

if you are really done you need to go NC. Tell her and your brother the situation and change your number

It's true this could be an option, but it wouldn't stop DM calling work or whoever, and it would only need them to pass on OP's new number for her to be right back where she started

I still think a call to the GP could be worthwhile - they won't discuss DM directly of course, but there's nothing to stop OP tipping them off and asking them to look into things a little more next time she goes

Do you think this is just an escalation of her controlling behaviour, or do you think this escalation could be due to health eg start of dementia. What does your brother think, is she the same with him?

“And her behaviour that needs to change.”

It won’t. Especially now she’s found out she can send out the flying monkeys to force you into giving her a call.

The escalation does sound like it might be the early signs of dementia, and I think you’d be entirely justified in phoning her GP. But be prepared to have her continue to try and control your contact with her.

If it’s early dementia, this is likely to get worse, not better, for a while as her sense of what is normal behaviour deteriorates. Hugs, and try and find a way to look after yourself. And ignore the posters who had lovely mums; they don’t get the sheer difficulty of having to care for an elderly parent from a sense of duty. In their case, it’s a mum’s loving care now being willingly returned; that’s just not the case for everyone.

Sorry whilst I sympathise this is exactly the kind of shitpost I mentioned in another post. Apples and oranges.

She sounds bonkers.

You won’t change her- what’s she like with your brother? Silly that he rang you too- he should have said. She’s fine. He should have been a voice of reason.

You sound like she baits you and rise to it. What can you do to mitigate it? Ping a text- work is mad. Won’t ring today. Take care. (Do not be drawn into a time) so when she asks you say- probably later in the week but don’t hold me to it and don’t call the bloody police!!!

Like many others, I suspect the onset of dementia. If it is then she actually can’t help it. It’s very difficult but getting angry will make you both feel worse. Good luck.

I have a very controlling mum and I can be similar to OP in that I hate feeling like I’m being controlled by her as an adult.

I initially read this and thought no way would I have a set day and time to ring her, as I can do it when I want.

But I think these posters are right.

A set day and time gives her what she wants whilst you’re still in control.

There can be no backlash like what happened yesterday because you’ve set the rules.
She cannot say she was worried about you if it’s not your day and time to ring her.

This will actually take up so much less time and cause so much like stress for you.

her mum was abusive to her as a child and she doesn't like her. Why are being rude

Did you like your mother from childhood? That's the crux of it.

You reap what you sow. I wouldn't give mine the time of day for any reason.