My mother called the police

[Mooshamoo]

My elderly mother can be overbearing. However she has reached new levels.

I told her I would call her last night. However something came up and I didn't. I decided I would call her today instead.

Because I didn't call her last night.

She called the police to come round and check on me this morning. I opened the door to a police woman this morning. The policewoman said "your mother rang us and said she was worried about you".

On top of that, she did something else.

I am selling my house. My mother rang my estate agent this morning aswell and asked him to ring me to check on me.

It was so embarassing. When he rang me I thought he was ringing about the house. He rang and said "your mother called us".

When I spoke to her later I said "why on earth did you ring my estate agent". She said "because he had a key to your house".

I felt so harassed and stressed this morning. like it's way over the top. I mean come on!

I get it. You are not obliged to care about someone who doesn't care about you. There is caring and there is demanding attention seeking... I'm guessing she is the latter. You don't have to talk to her... if she calls the police for no readon she is a nucience caller and they can deal with her .. you can go NC . You have the right to have whoever you want in your life.

I'm sorry OP I think she is unwell. My DMum was the same. I went for a long weekend to Nice, I called twice a day to yell her i was ok and ehat i was doing (just to calm her), she got into such a state she was hospitalised.

My lovely mum didn’t have a vindictive bone in her body and I had a good childhood. She was diagnosed with advanced dementia a couple of years ago, since when she has lashed out in all manner of ways at me and said things I can’t even bear to think about. My only comfort is knowing it’s not her, it’s the disease, and when she has her very short lucid periods it’s heartbreaking to watch what she goes through when she realises what’s happening to her. There are a lot of armchair experts dismissing illness as the cause in spite of the fact that age and behaviour patterns make it a real possibility.

I also think she's unwell.

Oh my mother can be so hard.

She got three different people to tell me to call her yesterday. After the police came round to my house I finally gave in and called her.

I was annoyed when I called my mother. She said "if you're going to speak to me in that tone, then I'm turning my phone off for the evening".

Even though she had harrassed me through three different people to call her. These are the games she plays .

She turned her phone off. If I point out to her that she doesn't let me turn off my phone for one evening without her calling the police, she will say that I am being nasty to her

I don't think it's age. As - sorry to dripfeed - but it's not really possible to get everything In one post.

She has always been like this. I remember when I was 32 , she started ringing round all my friends at a party I was at, as she was "worried about me" it was very embarrassing.

The next time she calls the police the likely outcome, given her age and behaviour, is that the police will involve NHS and social services because they’ll consider it a safeguarding issue if dementia is suspected.

If I ring her and question her on her behaviour, she doesn't respond logically or reasonably. I said to her to not call the police or my estate agent again.

She said these three things
"well I'll never worry about you ever again ,you're not worth it"
"Well I won't bother you ever again"
"Well I won't call you ever again"
"It's your fault for not ringing me"
"I've talked to my friends and they all said that I did the right thing, and isn't it awful of you not to call me"

People who havent had parents who try to control their behaviour to an abusive level will struggle to understand what its like and how suffocating it is.

You have a few choices:

You can go no contact and let the police deal with her if she keeps harrassing you via them

You can go low contact, check in occasionally but let her deal with any potential health issues now or in the future by herself

You can maintain your usual levels of contact but let her deal with any potential health issues now or in the future by herself

Or you can do one of these and try to deal with any potential health problems. But if she does have dementia, and I understand why you dont think she does, but if she does any time in the future then unfortunately dealing with it will not be easy.

My narcissistic abusive mother is developing dementia I think. But i cant get her to the doctors because any evidence that there is a problem is because its my fault and she wont allow herself to be ill with something that she cannot use to her advantage. She has all the fear or a normal person faced with a possibly horrible disease overlayed with the arrogance of someone who believes themself to be superior to anyone else.

So if I were you I would go for one of the options that doesn't include getting involved in the medical care. Thats why I am doing. Low contact only. Because I, and you, have to protect our own mental health as well.

@Rosscameasdoody the main difference between your experience and the OPs is she has stated, clearly and repeatedly, that her mum has always been controlling, abusive and belittling. This is not a new behaviour due to a cognitive issue, it’s a continuation of years of nastiness.

There is far more dismissing of the OPs lived experience and frustration and exhaustion on this thread than there is lack of sympathy for a nasty old woman. The abuser excusers should take a look at why they are so keen to attribute abuse to ill health because the abuser is an older woman.

And yet you don’t suspect dementia ? This is escalating behaviour and it’s clearly having a terrible effect on you. But if she’s ill, this won’t go away, it’ll keep escalating. I speak from experience. Can you not at least have a word with her GP surgery and bring it to their attention ? Tell them you're worried about her safety because she’s behaving irrationally - frame it as a safeguarding issue.

I don't think I'll call her GP. As I know if I called my mothers GP, my mother would get extremely angry at me about it.

We don't have that kind of concerned relationship about each other. At best out relationship is cold and distant. At worst it is constant arguments.

There is never any love , joy , happiness, going for a happy cup of tea.

Again , it's become so normal to me that it's like my normal.

I see other mother's and daughters being friends and having tea and lunch out together . On the past occasions that Ive asked my mother to go out for coffee, she said she won't go for coffee as its a waste of time to sit with a cup of coffee. On the occasions that we have gone for lunch. About once a year. She will complain about th food , about the staff, about being out. It's never an enjoyable experience. I tolerate her.

She doesn't seem to particularly like me either. Yet she is obsessed with calling me. But I don't think she likes me as a person. She just doesnt like being alone ,and likea to call me to vent at me

The ‘abuser excusers’ probably have experience of dementia and can recognise what’s happening. It’s not being keen to attribute it to ill health, it’s the knowledge that her age and escalating behaviour patterns fit. And I’m not excising past behaviour - merely pointing out that if it is dementia, it won’t go away, it will get worse. I find it really strange that the OP is spending so much time on MN talking about what’s happening, and acknowledging that the behaviour is neither logical or reasonable, but dismisses any suggestion that illness is at the bottom of it.

I called my mums’ GP when I suspected dementia and, at my request, she didn’t disclose to mum that I had called. She asked mum to come to the surgery for a ‘routine health check’ so she could assess the situation for herself.

I'm not dismissing that illness is at the bottom of it. I just don't particularly care if she has dementia or not.

That mat sound cold. But my mum has a long long history of abuse to me.

I know some people who had way worse mother's than mine. They had some really evil horrendous mother's.

My friend A told me that her friend B told her this. She said that b's dad used to rape her. And b's mum knew about it. She told me that b said that her mother used to come in and give her a sleeping pill before the rape to "lessen the effect", but that her mother wouldn't consider stopping the rapes, or leaving the dad.

I've heard about one other woman who was raped by her dad, and her mother knew about it and called the daughter a whore.

Do you think either of these daughters would care if their mothers got dementia? There are some very bad mother's out there. When they are terrible people, when they become old and vulnerable - nobody will care about them

@Rosscameasdoody as you seem so keen to have one, here’s a halo 😇 for you being so much better than everyone else, especially the OP, who has told you time and again why she isn’t engaging with the possibility of illness. I hope it makes up for your continued sense of puzzlement at why not everyone would do exactly as you insist.

Totally empathise with you OP, my mother used to show up at my house and let herself in if I didn’t answer a text or call within an hour. Once she sent at text at 11pm even though she knew I went to bed early as a lone parent with an 8am shift start, and because “she was so very worried” I hadn’t answered, she let herself into my home after midnight and I woke up to the sound of my front door being unexpectedly unlocked in absolute terror of robbery or something else. I have to admit I lost it with her on that occasion and she eased off for a bit but after a year or so the controlling behaviours picked up again.

I’m now NC with her and it has been the most wonderful blessed relief to not have that feeling of dread when I know I will have to spend time with her or when my phone pings with a message. Like you, I don’t think my mother liked me very much but saw me either as a personal assistant or her yardstick for her own value.

I often hear from people what a shame it is or get told “you only have one mother” etc but it goes both ways, she only had one daughter but couldn’t bring herself to treat me with basic respect or kindness. Sometimes you have to weigh up expectations against your own emotional wellbeing. Best of luck to you OP whatever you decide to do

Ah, OK. I read in one of your posts that you still love and care for her in that she’s your mother and you seem to have regular contact, so I was trying to figure out a way for you to get her some professional help before it escalates out of control and makes your life even more difficult. If that’s not a possibility then I would think you’re going to end up having to go NC for the sake of your own mental health.

That's not fair to the 1000's of perfectly normal and reasonable Irish mothers out there.

That’s uncalled for. I’ve engaged directly with the OP - I was trying to help, not hinder her, based on my experience of looking after my own mum who is in the last stages of advanced dementia. As I said, many people will have experience of the illness and will be posting from the point of view of recognising the signs, just as many are posting from their experience of an abusive mother.

Extremely overbearing, controlling and abusive. She clearly has mental health problems. It should be a no to any further contact and if she persists, consider getting the police and mental health services involved.

@Mooshamoo in relation to what you wrote here:
"I was annoyed when I called my mother. She said "if you're going to speak to me in that tone, then I'm turning my phone off for the evening".

Turn it around on her. Say "That's fine. I'm turning mine off too...oh and I am now going to block your number as you are harassing me." Then hang up straightaway. Don't give her an opportunity to have the final word.

If you have to deal with her "flying monkeys", those other people that she's contacting who subsequently contact you my advice would be to say to them that you're sorry that they're being dragged into something not of their doing. You are fine. Your mother is fine and should she contact them again, they're free to hang up on her, or tell her you're fine but you're not going to be contacting her yourself.

If everyone sings from the same hymn sheet back to her, one thing is that she'll run out of flying monkeys, another being that she'll hear the same message from multiple sources.

That's how I'd deal with it, at least in the short term.

Okay, I knew there would be history of abusive behaviour from your mum before reading your updates. Her behaviour is incredibly damaging. I know it's hard but no contact is best. Nobody needs this level of toxicity and control in their lives, she's ruining you.

OP you could be daughter of the year and it wouldn’t be enough. She would still make you feel guilty all the time.

Please repost this all on the Stately Homes thread. So many stories like yours. And unlike here, people will ‘get’ it.

I think you should be happy that your mum cares enough to be that worried. I lost my mum years ago and id give anything to be in your position right now x