My mother called the police

[Mooshamoo]

My elderly mother can be overbearing. However she has reached new levels.

I told her I would call her last night. However something came up and I didn't. I decided I would call her today instead.

Because I didn't call her last night.

She called the police to come round and check on me this morning. I opened the door to a police woman this morning. The policewoman said "your mother rang us and said she was worried about you".

On top of that, she did something else.

I am selling my house. My mother rang my estate agent this morning aswell and asked him to ring me to check on me.

It was so embarassing. When he rang me I thought he was ringing about the house. He rang and said "your mother called us".

When I spoke to her later I said "why on earth did you ring my estate agent". She said "because he had a key to your house".

I felt so harassed and stressed this morning. like it's way over the top. I mean come on!

And I was not a "difficult" child, I was a CHILD. Meant to be loved and protected by my parent, not pushed away when I was crying because she wouldn't hug me or touch me

What is wrong with all of you telling her shes cold etc???? Why don’t you understand that the OP’s mother is ABUSIVE with a history of being a terrible mother. OP owes the woman nothing.

This is a truly nasty way to talk to a victim of abuse.

Reading through your posts it sounds like you couldn’t give 2 tosses about your mother so why did you even bother to post this.

’I definitely won’t be sending a text’ - as many people have said , this could save you from lots of grief and embarrassment but you won’t because…..’ I shouldn’t have to’

seriously grow up. Sounds like your mother would be better off without you anyway

Oh give over, FFS. 🙄

You might not call your brother if he didn't ring when he said he would but you're not 75 with anxiety, are you you fool?!

Just text and save EVERYONE some hassle.

I’m sorry OP but your coldness to your husband is unpleasant. You expect him to change. He cannot.
Consider also you might have been a difficult wife.
Nevertheless he is your husband and you will have to decide what to do to help him.
Perhaps he needs more social contact.?There are groups which enable people to meet.You could investigate.
I’m sorry but you seem so self-centred.

Is this what you would say to an abused wife? Or is it only abusive parents we are expected to care about.

I was labelled a difficult child. I was apparently difficult from when I was an embryo.

The only person cold, self centred and unpleasant is the OPs mother. Have you read what the OP says her mother says to her?

Although your post is pretty chilling to someone who is being abused, urging them to stay in that situation and be nicer to their abuser.

Please RTFT.

OP's mum has been cruel and abusive to her throughout her whole life, including her childhood.

This is not a 'normal' mum / daughter dynamic, it's an abusive one and OP is not the perpetrator or toxic one.

An example from OP's posts:

My mother has been hard work since I was a young child. She hated having children and told me that she regretted having children. She never once showed me any love. Ever. Just shouted and screamed at me since the day i was born.

OP has been bullied by her mum throughout her life. The 'normal' baseline social conventions / expectations etc of daughter and mums don't apply here.

With the wider context in mind, your post is pretty horrible towards OP really.

This is why I wish people would at the very least read all of the posts by an OP.

It's easy to do. One click. And saves you from doing what you've done here - blaming an abuse victim for their childhood abuse at the hands of a parent.

Its not one text.

Its a text to say the OP couldnt call even though she dodnt promise she would. That turns into a text every day that she isnt going to call. Then a text as frequently as the mother expects her too.

If you haven't been the victim of an abuser who uses "anxiety" as a method of controlling people you dont understand that's its never one text.

And the only person the OP has to protect from hassle here is the OP herself, from the hassle of being abused.

@Isinglass20 telling someone that they deserved years of abuse & should pander for their abuser because they might have been a difficult child tells everyone what type of person YOU are, not who the OP is.
I’ll give you a clue - the OP is not the cold, selfish one here.

You sound like you’d get on very well with the passive agressive, manipulative mother.

*she told me I was dirty, lazy, useless. I said I was busy, she said "how could you possibly be too busy to call me, you're so lazy and useless, you do nothing with your life".

You're not worth it."

Sure you do nothing in your life. You don't even wash a cup".

My mother has been hard work since I was a young child. She hated having children and told me that she regretted having children. She never once showed me any love. Ever. Just shouted and screamed at me since the day i was born.*

Things the OP has been told by her mother

seriously grow up. Sounds like your mother would be better off without you anyway

What you decided to say to an abuse victim about her abuser

Reading through your post it sounds like you couldn’t give 2 tosses about the OP so why did you even bother to post this.

If you know she worries why wouldn’t you call or message to say you can’t. Surely that’s just common curtesy if you say you are going to do something?

I do wish ppl would at least read the OPs posts before commenting. It shows a total disregard for the OP and her views.

Do you always advise women who are being/have been abused to show common courtesy to their abusers?

@Catchasingmewithspiders thats the probably when the OP drip feeds information…. Also slightly confused over who the victim is in this story or whether OP added information when they didn’t like the responses they were getting.

Would one simple text just to tell her you'll call her tomorrow then no further response had prevented this escalation? Would she still have called the police? I do wonder if you can realistically have any relationship at all with her really.

Well, there's two separate issues going on:

1. You don't like your mum because you feel she was abusive to you as a kid. So, you need to decide what to do about that. You could go NC.

1. Your mum sounded v worried about you, (perhaps experiencing notable anxiety at the moment, and possibly even early dementia). She took steps because she was anxious. And you've responded really meanly. Yes, what your mum did was OTT - but she sounds anxious and I'd be worried about her.

Your mum's past treatment of you is colouring your view of this one situation. You do sound cold in the way you discuss your mum. I guess that's understandable if she treated you badly and you don't like her. But I think you need to make a decision on what to do about the relationship longer term.

As someone who was also abused by my mum, I also loved her deeply. She died at 75. I miss her terribly and would do anything to have her go nuts and call the police on me due to anxiety! It's exactly the kind of thing she'd do actually. You often don't miss what you have til it's gone. That doesn't mean she was wonderful and rosey. But this recent incident by your mum OP, doesn't sound malicious, it just sounds like she was v worried and is getting old and developing anxiety for whatever reason, and handled the situation badly.

@DogOutInTheDark did you read the OP’s update where she relayed what her mother said to her? Because that’s not a confused little old lady, who got worried. That is a nasty, vindictive abuser lashing out.

To say because you’d love to have a mum so anxious she’d call the police to check in on you, the OP should too, is beyond fucked up. Especially as a victim of abuse.

When Im responding to a thread with 100s of messages I usually click see all on the OPs messages at least

If you don't believe the OP is genuine report her to MN.

I was just saying I miss my own mum, and id love to have her back doing some of her old crazy shit, which wasn't too dissimilar to what this person's mum is doing. If the OP isn't going to miss her mum at all when she's dead, she should just separate now. Go NC. If there is no love there, cut ties.

I basically think the OP needs to decide what she is doing with mum. If mum was abusive, and still.is, and OP doesn't like her or want to see her, then she should NC.

But, I do feel sorry for this old lady on this particular occasion, as it feels like she was anxious and worried about her daughter.

It does also sound like OPs been somewhat drip feeding important info.

I agree too. It's not reasonable. She may have lost some of her reasoning capacity. And anxiety, reasonable or not, increases with age.

OP I suggest you go as low contact as you feel comfortable with. Your ‘dm’ sounds like she either has dementia or is just being a vindictive cow. You are most likely to know which scenario fits best.

I think someone said this to me on one other thread that I made about my mother.

They said "why didn't you say she was abusive in the first post".

As a victim of abuse.

The answer is : it is so totally normal to me for her to be abusive, that I wouldn't even think to write it about her in my first post. If that makes sense.

That's how she is all the time. Extremely abusive.

So when I have one problem with her, I don't think to write about the history of abuse at the start, as it is a lot, and her level of abuse has become normal to me as I've had to deal with it for so long and it's all I've known

If you’ve had dealings with dementia, you’ll know that there are different forms, and vascular dementia heightens and exaggerates existing personality traits in a pattern of escalation - pretty much what the OP is describing. Is there anyone on this thread qualified to diagnose the condition ? I doubt it and yet all those who are suggesting the symptoms fit with their experience of the disease are shouted down in favour of the nasty abusive mother explanation. She may have been nasty and abusive but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t have dementia either - and without a formal assessment she won’t get the help she needs and she’ll continue to harass the OP.

Well no, not unless she’s qualified to diagnose dementia.

She got what she wanted again.

She harassed me through three different people to call her yesterday. Until I eventually snapped and gave in and called her.

I told her her behaviour was unacceptable and not to do that to me again. That she embarasses me with my estate agent.

She said "don't talk to me like that in your bad temper. Im turning my phone off so you can't call me again". And then she turned her phone off for the evening.

This is how she works. She harassed me until she gets attention and I get annoyed, then she tells me it's my fault, then she gives me some kind of silent treatment. And she will tell me it's all my fault. Even if me and her are not directly talking, she will tell me through someone else, how awful I am