My mother called the police

[Mooshamoo]

My elderly mother can be overbearing. However she has reached new levels.

I told her I would call her last night. However something came up and I didn't. I decided I would call her today instead.

Because I didn't call her last night.

She called the police to come round and check on me this morning. I opened the door to a police woman this morning. The policewoman said "your mother rang us and said she was worried about you".

On top of that, she did something else.

I am selling my house. My mother rang my estate agent this morning aswell and asked him to ring me to check on me.

It was so embarassing. When he rang me I thought he was ringing about the house. He rang and said "your mother called us".

When I spoke to her later I said "why on earth did you ring my estate agent". She said "because he had a key to your house".

I felt so harassed and stressed this morning. like it's way over the top. I mean come on!

No one is ‘tarring’ or trying to vilify anyone!

Both my DM and my MIL had dementia and they could not have been more different.

My mum sank down into a rather happy peaceful state of unawareness, my MIL turned into a vengeful paranoid and extremely difficult to handle mess.

The fact that OPs mother is exhibiting a more extreme version of her previous behaviour is entirely consistent with dementia.

None of us here can diagnose it, and it’s not easy to get a diagnosis in RL either. And it doesn’t help OP much in how to deal with an obstreperous and unlikable parent. But raising the possibility might help with understanding the problem better and to take it less personally.

I would be frustrated and angry as well, but the old saying is so true that you can't change other people's behavior, only your own. You can take some proactive steps to try to get one step ahead of her but that's really all you can do.

My husbands elderly frail grandmother lived with MIL.
MIL went shopping and while she was out, Granny dialled 999 and reported that her little girl had been missing for hours, possibly abducted.
"How old is your daughter?" " Six".

MIL arrives home from supermarket to find a nice policeman having a cup of tea with her mother. He explains what happened.

"Of course, when I attended the call and met your Mother I realised we might have some wrong information. So I asked her for her little girl's date of birth and she told me quick as a flash; 3rd April 1920".

This is like my mum in the early stages of dementia. She wanted to call the police to have them break into the doctors surgery to get vaccination letters. She also started ranting at the chemist and GP receptionist.

She sounds like an Irish mother. I am mid fifties and she hasn't stopped.

Could she have ''Cognitive issues''?

It seems very strange behaviour otherwise?

My mum lived with life long anxiety over her children & was very much the same. There is always a reason why she is like this & she’s not going to change now. You could try to be a bit more understanding regarding how she feels, she may need some MH help. Try not to get upset with her, you only get one mum & you will miss her when she’s no longer here.

Please RTFT.

OP's mum has been cruel and abusive to her throughout her whole life, including her childhood.

This is not a 'normal' mum / daughter dynamic, it's an abusive one and OP is not the perpetrator or toxic one.

@Zeborah

An example from OP's posts:

My mother has been hard work since I was a young child. She hated having children and told me that she regretted having children. She never once showed me any love. Ever. Just shouted and screamed at me since the day i was born.

I do wish people would read at least all of an OP's posts, otherwise they inadvertently say things that must feel pretty rotten to OP or imply she should feel guilty / is unkind / lacks empathy etc.

OP has been bullied by her mum throughout her life. The 'normal' baseline social conventions / expectations etc of daughter and mums don't apply here.

Horribly self centred and unreasonable

Really wish people would stop saying this stuff on these threads.

So the fuck what if you only get one mum. Should we be tied to an abuser because one day they got shagged by a bloke and squeezed out a kid?

Fuck that shit. Some mother's will never be missed when they're gone and people need to stop saying that manipulative crap.

OP I remember your previous threads and I'm really conscious that some posters won't know the back story if they have only read your first post on here and not subsequent ones where you explain that she's been abusive your whole life.

My mother has been hard work since I was a young child. She hated having children and told me that she regretted having children. She never once showed me any love. Ever. Just shouted and screamed at me since the day i was born.

Please don't take to heart any comments calling you unkind / lacking in empathy etc. I can only assume they're going off your first post on this thread only and making assumptions that your mum is a run of the mill nice one when she has in fact been consistently cruel to you.

Hope you're OK today.

OP - post in relationships https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships and ask for advice on non-contact relationships.

She can't keep on ringing the police. They'll come out once or twice more and then get the message. Just explain you're non-contact with this person and then the ball is in their court to not respond.

Explain to your family members that you are going non-contact so that they don't pass on the mad messages either.

from someone who totally gets it.

I feel for you @Mooshamoo.

This is harassment and controlling behaviour dressed up as concern. Change the protagonist to a partner and you have DA.

When people ask you in the future why you're NC with your mum and you say because she called the police on me when I didn't phone her at a non prearranged time. She also called my estate agent and my brother to check up on me because I hadn't called her when she wanted me to. This people you tell will nod and say I can see why.

Not what the projectors on MN think which is their mum's are concerned about them in a healthy way so yours must be. Even though you've explained your experience of mums is different.

I feel for you and I think you've made the right decision for you.

For the hard of thinking on here :

NOT ALL MOTHERS ARE GOOD PEOPLE.

NOT ALL MOTHERS WILL BE MOURNED WHEN THEY DIE.

If you can’t get that into your judgy, sanctimonious head you are either incredibly lucky to have a great mother, and good for you, or you are that mother, in which case, take note.

More preachy crap from someone who can’t read. Yes, you only get one mum. So it’s pretty tough for those who get a shit one, hey?

And don’t you dare tell someone who has an abusive parent that they will miss them. That’s not your call.

Think it might be the start of dementia unfortunately,don’t be too harsh on her

YANBU.

I have a great relationship with my parents but I can absolutely appreciate how damaging relationships like these can be to a person. Just because someone is your mother doesn’t mean you have to have them in your life, when they are utterly toxic.

I’ve been on Mumsnet for a number of years now, and I have seen so many threads like these. Threads where posters are absolutely driven to depression, anxiety and exhaustion from familial relationships like these. The behaviour only ever ceases when they go no contact.

OP should not be guilted into keeping contact with someone who makes her life a living hell. It’s all well and good saying how bad she is for wanting to cut contact because it might be dementia, but would you want to live like this?

OP can continue being guilted into giving all her energy to this woman who does nothing but take-take-take, or she can cut herself free and live a life of freedom. The anxiety will drop alway almost instantly. I know what I’d prefer.

Don't be too harsh on an abusive parent, really?!

Oh @Mooshamoo this is so hard!

If you feel the relationship between you is abusive and she’s ruining your life then no contact is the way forward.

I think you should call your estate agent and the non urgent police stating your mum is using them to harass you and don’t need them to ‘check up on you’.

Your house is on the market?…. When you move don’t give her your address… give her (if you want to) your new telephone number but not your address…

I agree it sounds more like she was trying to make you think twice about missing a phone call call again rather than a place of a concerned mother… I don’t always call my mother or answer her calls and I do sometimes get an attitude from her when I do finally answer or call back, but she’s never yet called the police! Although I know mum would be from a place of concern…. You mum sounds horrible & im sorry she tries to manipulate you like this!.. I can feel your anger/upset through your posts & feel bad for bad for you!
We have a family member who is a little like this… guilt trips you about NEVER going out, even though she literally only has 3 days a week where she’s not either out or has a visitor!… She tells people she expects them to take her out next week… no consideration that we all have lives/work/friends/children etc… my DD has really struggled with school this past year, has counselling for a chronic medical condition she was diagnosed with 2 years ago… so life has been hard on us both.. DH also walked out soon after her diagnosis so it’s been a struggle…. But this family member still demands my time, while I’m there moans about how no one bothers with her, how lonely she is etc… (even though she’s had a very wonderful life, and is out 4 days of the week… not many elderly women are still so sociable & lucky.. she is also manipulative like your mum and will fake illness in order to get people to go round there or stay longer… when I drop her home she gives me jobs to do (daft things) just to delay me.. even though she knows my daughter is sat waiting for me in the car and needs to home and get ready for school the next day etc…

I think some people can’t think of anyone but themselves.

Your Mum sounds like my elderly dad. He has Aspergers and learning difficulties. He drives around looking for me and calls me constantly.

You may not like it but your mother's is probably going to get worse and you digging your heels in will not make it better or different unfortunately. She probably needs an assessment for early stages of dementia, if you can go to to the GP with her and explain that her anxiety is getting worse and the type of things that are happening, he can start the ball rolling for an assessment and diagnosis if caught early enough she may be suitable for some type of medication to help. Your mother probably doesn't have a lot going on in her life one day is very much like another so when she gets fixated on something happening she will zoom in on that and make it central to her week I am sorry but that is just how things get for some people as they get older. Please don't think it is a reflection on you it isn't but you losing your cool with her will not make her better if anything it will make her more anxious.
Make the appointment with the GP and make it sooner rather than later.

I’m sorry OP but your coldness to your mother is unpleasant. You will be your mother’s age eventually. You expect her to change. She cannot.
Consider also you might have been a difficult child.
Nevertheless she is your mother and you will have to decide what to do to help her; whether her gp or social services.
Perhaps she needs more social contact.?There are groups which enable elderly people to meet.You could investigate.
I’m sorry but you seem so self-centred.

See if you can go with her to GP appointment and express your concerns that this level of anxiety isn’t normal or sustainable- she can’t call the police every time you forget
hopefully GP can check for any medical/social care issues and also, if it’s behavioural, have that stern word with her on your behalf - something tells me she wouldn’t listen to you anyway
good luck

And? She has the right to be as self centred as she wants
My mum had dementia and the doctor explained personality changes as that. It wasn't, she had always been the same

Ever had a mum that's never hugged you? Or kissed you, or said she loved you?
Compares you to other people constantly?
Tells you how fat and ugly you are?
Refuses to speak to you for days for no reason at all?
Blackmails you into terminating a pregnancy?
Will give you gifts and money in order to be able to take them back when she feels like it?
Punches you in the face for smoking?
Makes you crawl with a broken leg in plaster because she wants a cup of tea?
Refused to tell anyone about your exam results because you got a C?

Didn't think so. Tell me again why it's my responsibility not to be self centred because she damn well was