My mother called the police

[Mooshamoo]

My elderly mother can be overbearing. However she has reached new levels.

I told her I would call her last night. However something came up and I didn't. I decided I would call her today instead.

Because I didn't call her last night.

She called the police to come round and check on me this morning. I opened the door to a police woman this morning. The policewoman said "your mother rang us and said she was worried about you".

On top of that, she did something else.

I am selling my house. My mother rang my estate agent this morning aswell and asked him to ring me to check on me.

It was so embarassing. When he rang me I thought he was ringing about the house. He rang and said "your mother called us".

When I spoke to her later I said "why on earth did you ring my estate agent". She said "because he had a key to your house".

I felt so harassed and stressed this morning. like it's way over the top. I mean come on!

Because this is real life, and as has been said quite a few times, there are people posting with experience of the onset of dementia and they recognise what the OP has described as possible symptoms, given her mums’ age and the escalation in behaviour. I don’t think the OP necessarily wants to hear that harsh reality because she hasn’t engaged with any of the suggestions that it might be a mental health problem.

The OP doesnt have to engage with the suggestions

Because people are actually telling her all the things she needs to do if it is dementia, like speak to her GP etc.

But the OP was abused by this woman. She doesn't have to do a single thing, dementia or not. And she doesnt have to care.

The OP is well aware of of how to hear a harsh reality. Shes grown up in a harsh reality. Its just now she has the choice whether to engage or not and shes choosing not to. That's a perfectly reasonable choice.

My abusive mother is currently starting with dementia and Im doing nothing. Thats because she uses every opportunity to blame me and abuse me for anything that goes wrong. So im not going to invite that into my life. So I understand why the OP has no interest in discussing whether its dementia or not. She wanted the opportunity to vent about her mothers controlling behaviour.

In fact you sound similar to your mother with a 'people should act how I want them to' mentality.

I agree, they sound as stubborn as each other. OP mother won't accept lack of contact. OP won't accept her mother needs managing better.

Toxic all round.

The OP isn’t obliged to tolerate anything. But given that her mother’s age and escalating behaviour could well be the onset of dementia, it makes no sense at all to simply ignore that possibility, because if it is dementia it won’t go away, it will get worse, and make the OP’s life even more difficult.

The OP has already said that she will not be speaking to her mother for quite some time.

Hers mothers actions, behaviours and feelings are outside of her control and not her responsibility.

Narcissistic parents can try and use their poor behaviour to drive the child back to their control "do this or i will do that" but that doesnt mean the OP has to allow her behaviour to be controlled by her mother.

Yes it's horrendous and then it changes from the person being aware something is wrong and then they sink down to the next level and don't even have the mental capacity to know how bad they are. Sadly after 5 years we're now heading towards the end stage and a much loved Mum and Granny who 10 years ago was a wonderful,happy, vibrant and intelligent person is bed bound, doubly incontinent, pretty much anorexic apart from the odd spoonful of pureed mush and sadly no matter how much money is thrown at it, a cure is currently out of reach for medical science, one day though I hope with all my heart they get a breakthrough. 🙏

I don’t disagree with any of that, but the OP still has contact with her mother on what sounds like a regular basis, so if this is the start of dementia, there is the potential for things to get out of hand and for her mother to make things even more difficult for the OP as control diminishes. Better all round to get her the help she needs if it is dementia, and if it’s not, then consider going fully no contact.

It may well be dementia. That doesn't mean that the OP’s mum hasn't also been a nightmare all her life and not deserve her support at this point in her life. It's understandabl that she isn’t interested.

But if it is dementia, her mum’s behaviour will escalate, which may well mean more calls to the police. It might be worth her calling them in advance so they know what the actual situation is. It will hopefully lead to them alerting SS that the OP’s mum might be in need of support.

Saying that her mum might have dementia isn’t necessarily suggesting that the OP should feel any moral responsibility towards her.

Would there be any way to have a conversation with the police to have it flagged up that when your mum asks them to check on you it is a groundless concern? Have you considered going no-contact for the sake of your own mental health?

I hear your frustration @Mooshamoo . I wonder if your Mum's reality is her anxiety is heightening as she ages. Maybe to prevent upset all around doing something like sending a text daily and letting her know what day you will call, or when you won't, will help. You don't "have to" as you said, but a 10 second text could really help her. She sounds isolated and scared. I wonder too if there's something in her past that makes her more scared something has happened to you. Compassion for her & yourself will likely avoid upset. Framing it as "it bothers me my Mum needs this, but it is her reality, so I will send a text daily and confirm what day I will/won't call". Kind of takes the emotion/frustration out of it.

That isn't the situation for the OP. OP didn't commit to getting in touch at a particular time and doesn't want to.

Also not liking someone having different norms around communication from you is one thing. Older people seem often despair at the manners of the young. But being "triggered" by it, getting anxiety because of it, is an entirely different thing.

What's she like with your brother? You might want to look at the 'Stately Homes' thread.

People saying I should care about her because she's elderly - may have dementia

I don't like her. I don't care about her anymore really. If she wasn't my mother, I would have nothing whatsoever to do with her.

When I rang her yesterday to tell her to stop, she told me I was dirty, lazy, useless. I said I was busy, she said "how could you possibly be too busy to call me, you're so lazy and useless, you do nothing with your life".

I've battled with my conscience over the years. That i should stay in contact with her because she is my mother

However she is ruining my life. I shouldn't have to stay in contact with an abuser.

But how do I break contact with her. If I stop calling her He will probably ring the police. It's a nightmare I can't get out of .

If a man did this to a woman he would be arrested. If a woman said to a man, stop calling me, and he kept calling and harassing her, he would be arrested.

However there is no law to stop parents harassing their children. Although I do think I saw a case in the newspaper where an adult man reported his mother for harassment.

You can get a non-molestation order.

I would make one final message making it clear you don’t want to be contacted by her then block her and let her keep calling the police - it will become apparent very quickly that she’s doing it maliciously and will have to face the consequences. Make sure your brother knows as well that you are cutting contact and won’t be guilted.

It’s a horrible situation to be in, and so hard for people who have not experienced it to understand what’s brought you to this stage.
You need to take care of you now - put yourself and your mental peace first.
You deserve to have a life free from someone else’s demands and insults.
You don’t have to accept being spoken to like that anymore. 💐

If she's ruining your life then it's really time you put yourself first. If she keeps calling the police they will eventually do something about it. I can see you're so stressed about the situation and I remember well feeling like that. Perhaps call the police yourself and tell them that any calls from your mother regarding your welfare are about punishment and not concern.

I don't know what your relationship with your brother is like, but if it's reasonably ok perhaps you could decide not to discuss your mother with him? Given he has also been brought up by an abusive woman it could be challenging for him so you might need to set a boundary like "if you bring her up I'll hang up the phone", and you would need to follow through on that, you can do it nicely "sorry won't discuss her, love you, talk next week, bye".

For a time I felt like my phone was a bomb waiting to attack me. Eventually I blocked the people who were most likely to call me to manipulate me. That has given me huge peace. It seems to me you need some breathing space OP, so please consider what steps you can take to achieve that.

I also hope you'll look through those links I posted yesterday, in particular the podcast which I have found so validating and informative.

If it so stressful and the relationship brings you no joy then cut contact. Focus on your own well-being.

If she wasn't my mother, I would have nothing whatsoever to do with her.

The fact that she is your mother shouldn't alter this.

I sympathise totally OP, we had a similar situation with MIL (but nowhere near as bad).

Frankly it makes my blood boil when I read sanctimonious people saying how we must look after our parents - they looked after us now it's our turn blah blah blah.

TBH might it be worth just letting her call the police! If they come round explain the situation and they will log details of the situation and won't trouble you in future. (This is what we did). If she continues to pester them it would help your case that she is unmanageable. We also had MiL contacting ancient university friends of DH, accusing him of all sorts of things.

You can't control someone else's behaviour and if it is the start of dementia (and I think it could well be) you will get very little help or support from anyone else. We went through this for 2 years, and we are still coming down from the stress of it all.

Sorry that I have nothing positive or helpful to tell you. It might be worth posting on the Elderly Parents forum, I think you will get better and more constructive help and advice from the posters there.

Definitely sounds like dementia to me.
I've seen a lot of this over time with various people.

She is an abuser and you have every moral right to cut her off. In your situation I would tell her in writing (a letter and a text) that you don't wish to have her involved in your life anymore and that you don't want her to contact you ever again. Keep a copy of the letter for your records in case she sends the police round. Tell your close family you don't want anything to do with her and why. Block her phone. If she harasses you by sending letters, keep them for your records in case you need to show to police. If her behaviour escalates, consider a non molestation order. Wishing you the very best 💐

💐☕🍰

My mother and aunt both had dementia. Some of their friends had dementia. NONE of them behaved as OP's mother does. Don't tar all dementia sufferers with the same brush.

And it's pretty apparent that OP's mother has a history of mistreating her, all the way back to childhood. Sounds to me as if she's just a nasty person. Age may have 'intensified' her nastiness but that doesn't mean she has actual dementia.

@Mooshamoo

How do you break the cycle? You just do. You go NC quietly and completely. No letters or phone calls detailing your reasons. You simply block her in all the ways you can. Yes, you're going to have a period of harassment from her which you can deal with legally if it rises to 'non-mol' levels. But you start out by just calmly informing whomever she 'flying monkeys' on you that you are perfectly fine but have chosen to go NC due to reasons of your own. You can detail or not detail those reasons as you choose. Eventually she'll exhaust all those resources (or they'll get wise to her and ignore her) and the furore will die down.

Mooshamoo YANBU. Lots of people don't know what it's like to have an awful mother. I do (did!). You have my sympathy