My mother called the police

[Mooshamoo]

My elderly mother can be overbearing. However she has reached new levels.

I told her I would call her last night. However something came up and I didn't. I decided I would call her today instead.

Because I didn't call her last night.

She called the police to come round and check on me this morning. I opened the door to a police woman this morning. The policewoman said "your mother rang us and said she was worried about you".

On top of that, she did something else.

I am selling my house. My mother rang my estate agent this morning aswell and asked him to ring me to check on me.

It was so embarassing. When he rang me I thought he was ringing about the house. He rang and said "your mother called us".

When I spoke to her later I said "why on earth did you ring my estate agent". She said "because he had a key to your house".

I felt so harassed and stressed this morning. like it's way over the top. I mean come on!

@Mooshamoo I feel for you, I have similar relationship with my mother, thankfully she doesn't live near, as I don't enjoy spending time with her. What can I suggest to you, can you make her your brother's problem and tell him to take her to the doctors. if she sends police over, ask them to visit her (although I feel it's wasting police resources) for harassing you as you said. Set boundaries.

I dunno. If you arranged to speak at a certain time, it’s not that hard to send a text- basic curtesy. It’s not that strange for people to want to prearrange phone calls. I do that with some of my friends who prefer it. You could afford your elderly mother who lives alone that.

OP did not arrange to speak at a certain time.

What a horrible and selfish attitude to have towards your elderly mother. 🥺

The OP doesn’t ‘owe’ her anything. But she says she cares about her, and that suggests that she’d be concerned for her welfare if there’s a chance that this could be the onset of dementia. Her only response to the suggestion of dementia wasn’t concerned for her mother, only herself.

THIS. Exactly

I'm coming across as horrible but I'm not, caring for someone with dementia is absolutely thankless and soul destroying....

Imagine how the sufferer feels. My mum has dementia and has lucid periods during which she realises what’s happening to her, and it’s heartbreaking to watch how distressed she is and not be able to do anything to help.

I was wondering that.

Sensible and self-preserving attitude to have towards an abusive parent.

But even if she wasn't an abusive parent, giving in to her demands for texts to ease her anxiety isn't particularly kind. It will feed into the idea that there is something to be anxious about and the anxiety will ramp up causing her more distress over the long term. This is what anxiety does if you feed it instead of fighting it.

I feel for you OP. You're dammed if you do and if you don't. Your response sounds perfectly reasonable. I think it's unfair of others to minimise the effect this behaviour is having on you. It's almost like a second trauma when posters are implying it's your fault because you didn't submit to your mother's will.
I want you to know that whether your mother is mentally ill, a narcissist, confused or broken, it's not your responsibility to sacrifice your own peace of mind to appease her.
You've said your piece. If this type of controlling behaviour continues the only answer is to disengage. In these scenarios whatever you give it will never be enough.

giving in to her demands for texts to ease her anxiety isn't particularly kind. It will feed into the idea that there is something to be anxious about and the anxiety will ramp up causing her more distress over the long term

what rubbish. If I arrange to speak to my friend and one of us is too tired/ busy/ doesn’t feel like it- which happens often. We send a quick text just to say sorry we can’t make it, can we arrange. It’s basic consideration and respect. Maybe OP’s mum expects her daughter to behave in that basic considerate way, and when she doesn’t that’s what triggers her worry?

I agree with others that she may need a gp appointment just to check everything over. It may be something as simple as a vitamin deficiency but definitely worth checking.

@Skinthin

Maybe OP’s mum expects her daughter to behave in that basic considerate way, and when she doesn’t that’s what triggers her worry?

Please read all OP's posts.

Her mum has been cruel and abusive for the duration of OP's life. This isn't a regular dynamic. Please cut her some slack, she has been treated terribly by her mother. I remember her other threads and she's had an incredibly difficult time.

My mother has been hard work since I was a young child. She hated having children and told me that she regretted having children. She never once showed me any love. Ever. Just shouted and screamed at me since the day i was born.

The amount of people saying op is in the wrong and childish etc is mind blowing , this woman is narcissistic toxic and controlling she did what she did out of control and spite. Does nobody care to read that she was a shit mum and just because you had a great parent that everybody must have?
Put it into a different perspective imagine the person who done this to the op was her partner you would all be saying how abusive he was and controlling and she should leave them….

For goodness sake. Mothers are not all saints. Why do you assume this was a ‘dear’ mum.

Why don’t you feel sorry for the OP for having a potentially abusive mum? Where was her mum when she needed her?

Are people truly unable to imagine a family with relationships unlike the Waltons?

Her mother has been abusive and controlling all OP's life. Please read OP's posts. Not everyone has a nice mum. I talk to my mum regularly, because we have a great relationship. OP does not have that relationship with her mum.

Sound advice. The police don't want to be doing health checks when there is no need.

It’s more a safeguarding issue than a health check. My own mother was behaving in a very similar way and on the one and only occasion she called police, I got home to find a patrol car and an ambulance outside the house. Paramedics suspected a MH condition of some kind and made a referral to social services, who contacted me the following day. Mum was eventually diagnosed with vascular dementia. Given the OP’s mothers’ age, dementia is a real possibility and police involvement a second time will likely involve social services because it will indicate an ongoing problem that’s not being dealt with.

@Skinthin how about saving the judgement and childish sad face emojis and reading the all the OPs post?

So many people on here telling on themselves in a bid to look worthy and superior.

It doesn’t have to be like the Waltons. The OP says she cares about her mother, but so far hasn’t engaged with any of the suggestions that there could be a mental health problem such as dementia, except to say ‘what about me’ !!

People dont have to be nice to their abusers. If this was her husband being abusive would you tell her it was her 'dear' husband and that she should be nice to him while she had the chance and that you felt sorry for him?

This is someone who abused the OP as a child as well. Since when do we tell people to be nice to child abusers?

Her mum has been a nightmare all her life. Why when someone wants to vent and get support, do people rush to defend poor mummy and suggest mental illness. It’s always the same on here.

You seem very angry when this could be something that she needs help to manage instead of anger. As others have said age related anxiety, start of dementia etc.

Quite. Emotionally abusive parents can f* people up for life. This mum is constantly making her daughter feel guilty; she will only get worse. Decent parents don’t do this.

@BatonRed no, no, controlling mums with no boundaries, no respect and no care must always be the victim when their abusive actions finally start to have consequences. Mums can’t be bad. They just have MH issues or dementia and daughters are obliged to tolerate whatever comes their way and absolutely not take care of their own needs first.

The toxic mother brigade are out on force on this thread with the little sad faces and holier than thought proclamations. OP should get her mum to join mumsnet, she’d be amongst her own people on here.