My mother called the police

[Mooshamoo]

My elderly mother can be overbearing. However she has reached new levels.

I told her I would call her last night. However something came up and I didn't. I decided I would call her today instead.

Because I didn't call her last night.

She called the police to come round and check on me this morning. I opened the door to a police woman this morning. The policewoman said "your mother rang us and said she was worried about you".

On top of that, she did something else.

I am selling my house. My mother rang my estate agent this morning aswell and asked him to ring me to check on me.

It was so embarassing. When he rang me I thought he was ringing about the house. He rang and said "your mother called us".

When I spoke to her later I said "why on earth did you ring my estate agent". She said "because he had a key to your house".

I felt so harassed and stressed this morning. like it's way over the top. I mean come on!

Really, really bad advice to suggest others are uneducated by suggesting it may be dementia. I have very recent, first hand experience of a very similar situation and the escalation in controlling behaviour was vascular dementia. If that’s what the OP’s mother has, then her actions are beyond her control and it’s deeply unkind of you to suggest that she’s denied help.

From a practical point of view…

call the police, make sure they have your current number, and there’s a note on your records.

next time they’ll just give you a quick ring and possibly refer to social service for your mum.

Has she become very anxious since she's got older. Some older people seem to worry more about things they didn't give a second thought to when they were younger.

The people suggesting dementia may well be doing so because of personal experience, as I have myself. And, as has been pointed out several times, the onset of dementia can exaggerate lifelong personality traits, hence the escalation. No one is suggesting that it’s definitely dementia, but it very well could be. So it’s in everyone’s interests, including the OP’s to get some advice because if it is dementia it’s not going to stop unless her mother gets the help she needs. If it turns out not to be dementia, but controlling behaviour, as you suggest, then the OP can go NC with a clear conscience.

If she doesn't have some form of dementia she is an attention seeker and drama queen. How does she know your estate agent's number?

If it happens again the police will likely involve NHS services, who will then refer to social services anyway. Surprised it didn’t happen first time round. My mother reported me missing to the police and they contacted me - when I got home there was a police car and an ambulance outside the house. The medics said it indicated a MH problem and referred her to social services. She was diagnosed with dementia not long after.

You seem to be ignoring all the people who are saying it might be the beginning of dementia. That would concern me.

I get it. I loved my mum dearly and miss her terribly, but pre-dementia she was an over-protective nightmare. Ironically dementia made her much more relaxed and laissez faire.

She wasn't controlling but she was utterly paranoid and would stop at nothing if she got an idea in her head. So "Cream Tea isn't answering the phone" would very quickly become "Cream Tea has been kidnapped and I need to call the police".

I made the mistake of telling her I was going on a date one night. She rang me every half hour throughout the evening. Texts saying that she knew I'd got the train into town so if I didn't pick up she would call the BTP and put a station alert out. Fortunately now-DH thought it was quite funny that I had to keep answering the phone to say "yes, I am still here, no, I am not home yet" but I was bloody mortified.

I ended up moving to a different country and only contacting her once a week at random times, to try and get some distance because it felt like I was being suffocated. It took about a year to reset our boundaries but we managed to get there in the end.

I can recommend the stately homes threads for support.

My Mum went a bit like this and in hindsight it was the beginnings of mixed dementia (vascular and alzheimers). We're 5 years further down the road now though.

It was like everything had to happen straight away and she went nuts if things weren't sorted immediately or the routine changed a tiny bit. For example, waiting on a plumber who was going to come in the morning, he wasn't there by 8am so she was phoning him complaining because he hadn't turned up. Poor lad was terrified!

Doctor said her sore hip would sort itself soon, she's on to the phone shouting at the receptionist the next day because her hip was still sore.

Taking her shopping an hour later than usual because I had an appointment, total meltdown.

Me not answering the phone as I was at the cinema and she then called god knows how many distant relatives telling them she never hears from anyone and I never answer my phone.....bollocks just bollocks, and Great Aunt Mary's daughter in Australia (whoever the hell you are), after 5 years you can still fuck off phoning me and suggesting I'm not a good daughter!

Basically anything that didn't happen exactly at the same time everyday or the time she thought it should be caused total armageddon.

I'm coming across as horrible but I'm not, caring for someone with dementia is absolutely thankless and soul destroying.....

I wasn’t ‘piling on’, I was advising and trying to help, from personal experience. My own mothers’ behaviour followed a very similar pattern - controlling and narcissistic personality traits she’d always had were exaggerated and escalated because of what was eventually diagnosed as dementia. If it’s dementia, it needs to be dealt with, if it’s not then the OP can go NC with a clear conscience. Our GP was very helpful when I expressed my concerns and had arranged for mum to come in for an initial dementia assessment, when unfortunately she had a seizure which culminated in the diagnosis of vascular dementia. As far as I’m aware, the authorities can’t force someone to be a caregiver, so if the OP and her brother aren’t willing, then the LA have a duty of care and must meet the mothers’ eligible care needs.

I'm 48 with anxiety and I can get like this. I can easily believe people are dead. I live alone and am lonely. When I'm tired it makes it worse. I'm working on it and I have lovely supportive friends and family . Can you investigate her health? Sounds like she is struggling

My mother is like this and will tell anyone who listens how terrible I am for not behaving how she wants. (Only makes me speak to her less)

However OP, I have a great support network and so keep my distance. She hasn't called the police but the more I give the more erratic she gets.

I honestly think it's wonderful that so many people have a loving mum, but some of us sadly just don't. 🤷‍♀️

I will be the only here who understands her.
I'm in the opposite situation where my mum 72yrs old lives on her own, has no neighbours ir friends, lives in different country.
I get very anxious when I hear nothing from her, we have a deal, she messages me on messenger few times per day, however last year there was a tornado close enough to her location and she wouldn't reply the whole night, I got so worried, I contacted the mayor and he went to see her and phoned me back.
Also she had heart attack last year and if she would not be in public place when it happened, she wouldn't be here now. So yeah, j get very anxious if I hear no from her for few hrs..

charming. Bloody hell, OP. You know she overblows these things in her head, you know she's escalating.

It would have taken 30 seconds out of your life to prevent it.

Does nobody bother to read the thread? Or at least the OPs posts? So desperate to jump in repeating each other "soUndS LiKe DEmEnTia HuN" ffs either contribute something useful or new.

I get it OP. My father in law is like this. Well, was. He doesn't get to be now as we cut him off. Neither of us will see him again.

@Brefugee I agree.. why post if not for advice / empathy..

Why aid she not just call/text quickly if she was worried?

I imagine dealing with this kind of behaviour constantly is absolutely exhausting! Would having a long chat with her about how its making you feel do any good? If so, do that, if not it's time to go LC

Out of interest what is she like with your brother? Is she the same?

The OP has explained that her mother is not anxious and caring.

They have never had this relationship.
She believes that her mother is angry about not being phoned and is using other people/the police to take her revenge. It is controlling behaviour rather than distress.

Because as @LiesDoNotBecomeUs has just posted, the mother was not genuinely worried. She is not anxious and caring, what she’s doing is all about control. She was angry, not worried. Have a look at the OPs updates. This is not a caring, loving mother who’s worried about her daughter.

Not repeating each other no. The people who are suggesting dementia are doing so because they recognise what the OP is saying as possible symptoms of the onset of dementia. That’s because they’ve lived it. And making fun of that is very unkind. And if you read back through the OP’s posts, the only time she has even acknowledged the suggestion of dementia, was to dismiss it in favour of ‘what about me’. Dementia is hard to face, and hard to deal with. She says she care about her mother, but her unwillingness to even consider that her mother is mentally unwell says otherwise.

The same mother who told her she wishes OP had never been born? Why does she owe that women anything, dementia or no?

This. Gosh, people's hearts are so cold nowadays.

This.

She is your mother, she is old, she is scared about her future and her death, knowing that it will come one day, maybe soon, maybe painfully, maybe she will have a fall at home and lie in her own faeces for days, with a broken leg, no food or water...

I presume that your Dear Mum lives alone? Does she have one of those emergency button things that she can wear around her neck, and when pressed someone will ring her, and then (hopefully)
ring someone who cares about her.

I presume that you don't want to die young @Mooshamoo? But becoming old is no fun, and definitely scary. I am so sorry for your DM if she only has you to depend on. Are you likely to have more than one "loved one" when you are old OP?
Please be nice to your mum while you have the chance.

You mean like the mother's heart when she yelled at OP and said she never wanted to have children? Like that?

OP owes this woman nothing.