My mother called the police

[Mooshamoo]

My elderly mother can be overbearing. However she has reached new levels.

I told her I would call her last night. However something came up and I didn't. I decided I would call her today instead.

Because I didn't call her last night.

She called the police to come round and check on me this morning. I opened the door to a police woman this morning. The policewoman said "your mother rang us and said she was worried about you".

On top of that, she did something else.

I am selling my house. My mother rang my estate agent this morning aswell and asked him to ring me to check on me.

It was so embarassing. When he rang me I thought he was ringing about the house. He rang and said "your mother called us".

When I spoke to her later I said "why on earth did you ring my estate agent". She said "because he had a key to your house".

I felt so harassed and stressed this morning. like it's way over the top. I mean come on!

You owe your mother nothing- ignore the uneducated on here. They don’t get it. She’s not nice is she - look up narcissistic mothers - they are everywhere - it’s not just about the pressure she puts on you with HER expectations - unreasonable as they are. It sounds like she has treated you badly all your life.
Google “flying monkeys” - this is your brother, the police and the estate agent -She will not change - this is who she is.
Do not let her ruin your life any further. Look up the recommendations above - get some counselling on a therapist who understands narcissism - no contact will be best but you won’t be ready for that yet perhaps.
Dont phone the GP or get her checked out. She’s just a deeply damaged woman who wants to ruin others.
you take care 🌺🌺

Actually look up Adult children of Alcoholics AND dysfunctional families - my father was an alcoholic and I know a few other women in the programme who had narcissistic mothers who go to meetings, they certainly fit the criteria.

I've just read your latest post, OP and I'm so sorry for you for her behaviour over this.
I think you have a decision to make and soon. She is heading towards a more and more needy situation and will be demanding more of you.

If you have had such a bad time as a child, now might be a good time to go non-contact, rather than wait until she gets worse. If you do it now, everyone concerned will recognise it as stemming from a poor relationship. Any 'fault' will be placed firmly with her over her awful behaviour as a competent adult.

If you let things go on as presently, resenting and doing things grudgingly, then as she deteriorates, it will be assumed that you are simply an ungrateful child, unwilling to repay a mother's care by looking after her. She will get worse; likely much worse. This could absolutely consume you and dominate the next few decades at worst.

Doing nothing is going to make things worse than tackling them. If you can find a good counsellor to help you through this, it might be enormously helpful.

I totally get this OP.

My FiL calls at least daily & has done for the last 10+ years. If we don't answer (ie we are out/eating/busy) he'll call again and again, both mobiles & landline. Then will get shirty when we finally speak to him.

Basically he's lonely, but it's like he can't grasp that we might be too busy/have stuff on that means it's not convenient to talk. He has no concept of what goes on in our lives - mainly because he doesn't actually listen when we do talk to him.

I would not be surprised if he progressed onto your mother's current behaviour. And if he did, I'd respond in the same way that you did. It's totally unacceptable and she needs to learn (somehow) not to do this.

Can you block her/change your number? Does she know where you are moving??

This is very difficult for me to write.

As a child I never got a hug, was never congratulated on any achievements, my dear Dad was bullied and not allowed to realise his dreams. It was subtle though and bearable to some extent as it wasn't physical. Her vindictive behaviour was put down by relatives as "going through the change". My father was compliant, but let fly now and then, only to go back in his box eventually.

I have three siblings and I am the eldest. They do not relate to anything I say about her treatment of me so I felt I was the one with the problem. Scapegoat.

When she got older her behaviour towards me deteriorated. I never wanted to visit or be within a mile of her, but the reality is that family (who were spared) guilted me as they couldn't understand my distress, and often minimised it and said things like "you are over reacting" etc. So I did my weekly duty. She hit me with her walking stick, shouted out to anyone within earshot that I was an alcoholic, was stealing her money anything, you name it. So distressing in public.

Then I had to go for an emergency procedure. Doctors were very concerned about all the bruising I had and hinted that I might have leukaemia or some other blood related illness. God that was frightening. When I explained how I was being treated, they got the ball rolling and within three months mother was in a nursing home and I never saw her again until the day she died.

I am in tears right now, and still grieve in my 60s for a mother's love, one that I never had.

Do not be so quick to judge. No one knows the experience of those suffering abuse.

Yea it's control being feigned as anxiety

Yanbu op

Phone was off when working.

I turned it on, when on my break. My brother called me on my break.

I turn my phone off when working as I don't use it for work. I use my laptop. I am on teams meetings when working , so I don't want calls to come in on the mobile

I don't understand the posts suggesting that your mother might have dementia. Reading your posts, it seems that phoning the police and the estate agent because you didn't ring is not a worrying change in behaviour but rather a lifelong pattern of trying to control you with the added bonus of trying to embarrass you too.

Is she like this with your brother? Can you block her and let him deal with her? Let police/social services etc that you are not having anything to do with her so don’t follow her orders in respect of you

OP, I feel for you, I really do. My abusive mother was nothing more than an egg donor, and her favorite thing in the world to do was to try and control me (and everyone else) until her last breath.

Based on my personal experience, my suggestion would be to notify the local police, your realtor, doctors, etc. - anyone who she thinks has access to you - and let them know that 1. You are an adult 2. You have a life of your own 3. They should pay no heed to any phone calls from your mother. Should things continue to escalate, you may need to file a harrassment order. I can hear the masses gasping right now - file an order against your own mother?? The thing is, just because she gave birth to you does not entitle her to micromanage your life and know your every move. Giving birth does not make one a mother.

Big hugs to you, OP!

I'm really sorry OP but if this is out of character behaviour that seems to be worsening you have to consider dementia as others have said. This is classic early stage behaviour.

Oh stop it.

Not all mothers deserve love and affection. Some of them are so horrible that it's a relief when 'one day she will be gone'. Often this kind of behaviour is not because they care but because they are controlling and manipulative.

Why should the OP make time for her? It sounds like she is lonely because she has been a horrible person. Just because someone is old doesn't make them sweetness and light.

How you would behave is neither here or there, particularly if your mother didn't shout at you since you were a small child and make your life a misery.

Also she sounds genuinely like a nightmare person and I feel for you. You shouldn't have to put up with it and your brother should know better and have stood firm with her telling her 'no' to chasing you down. So sorry OP.

The responses on this thread are MENTAL!

Y'all are enabling mental health issues. Either OP's mother has a health condition or (as I suspect) is being a controlling arsehole and involving others to "encourage" OP to comply with her expectations.

No one has the right to demand phonecalls and texts from someone else. Before I was nc with my mother, I used to be super vague about when I would be in contact, because tbh, I didnt really want to be. I had no interest in her or her life but I felt a level of obligation, which she exploited.

If you are worried about someone else with no reason other than that they havent fulfilled your expectations, you adjust your expectations. Rather than thinking, "OP didnt do as I expected her to so she must be lying dead on the kitchen floor because thats the only reason why she would not prioritise what I want", you start thinking "Hey, maybe calling me isnt the biggest priority in OP's life right now, I'll look at what ways I can encourage OP to make time for me".

IWhy on earth did the police turn up to an adults house over a missed phonecall?

Why did an estate agent not tell her that its not appropriate to contact you and would certainly not be appropriate to enter your home if they couldnt get hold of you?

Why did your brother not tell her to stop talking nonsense and go and have a cup of tea?

Over 90% have voted that you are not unreasonable to expect to have privacy i your life. And as other PP have said her projection of her own anxiety about being alone and ageing and trying to exert control over you must be very wearing. I do hope you are moving further away from her? Does she know your new address yet? I would use the opportunity of moving to go NC. You ought to go LC with your brother also if he acts like her flying monkey.

I’m afraid this was my first thought, too.

I think it’s fair enough that you are so annoyed with your mum. Only you can know what she is like - if she is a total horror.

I remember a friend of mine’s mum (who was a total horror) telling me that if I didn’t ring her as soon as I got home (dark but not late and round the corner from my house) she would ring the police. When I rang, her phone was permanently engaged. I started really fretting but then my Mum (who has pretty good boundaries) said that if she’d really planned to ring the police, she should make sure her phone isn’t off the hook.

If the purpose of ringing the police is to punish / control the OP, the mum will totally love it if the OP rings her GP or SS. She will have got a load of attention from them and there’s a good chance they’ll tell the OP to keep an eye on her. Total result!

I get a bit cross when people say that someone should get help for someone else’s mental health problems or anxiety. It is not easy to get that help, even when it’s obvious that that person is very unwell. And it isn’t obvious here - the OP’s mum is not acting out of character.

I am a bit bemused by the idea that the OP’s mum is very elderly. I suspect that a lot of posters are much younger than I am. Being 75 does not automatically mean that someone is extremely vulnerable.

The risk is that calling the GP / SS becomes a tit for tat war. One that uses up the time of busy people who are needed to help those who really need that help.

And you sound hard of thinking

not everyone has the perfect family/mother/father

have some empathy! It’s not hard.

how would you like a policeman banging on your door and 2 calls from an estate agent on top of endless calls from your sibling, all because you got held up in your busy day and didn’t call even though you didn’t even say you would

it is obsessive and must be exhausting and anxiety provoking. It’s utter madness

op sounds tired and stressed. She’s selling her house and doesn’t need all this crap on top of what already is an odious task.

Many of us can attest to the fact that simply alerting a GP, or any of the authorities, to the possibility someone who is being abusive to you might have a medical condition does not necessarily improve the situation. Especially if those authorities see you as a care resource, as a daughter often is. It can make things worse as expectations and a "it's your duty" mindset is pushed at you by authorities as well as your abuser.

OP's been pretty clear that while the police is a new development, her mum has been controlling for a long time. She is in a better position to decide if talking to a GP or anyone else would make a difference and if she says not, people piling on to tell her to do it doesn't make it any more likely to be a good idea.

My only advice would be to let your brother know (if he didn’t know already) what she has done and tell him you won’t be having contact with her any further unless she can prove herself to treat you with some level of respect.. he can then inform your mum, also you can communicate with your brother and he can then let your mum know your safe and well.

I say to do it this way so then if this is due to controlling behaviour she will have a shock to the system and hopefully see the error of her ways, if this is due to health related reasons your brother is then aware, it will give you breathing space and you know then that you can communicate with your brother alongside this if that makes sense? He can keep you updated with how she is etc, then once you feel ready you can introduce slow and gradual contact again.

by the sounds of things she’s either struggling with control issues and if not that I know my grandad started to become this way once getting dementia he was very worried and anxious and was often phoning family over and over again.

it’s understandable to need breathing space and this today would have naturally been a shock to you aswell, take a step back and communicate with your brother in regards to your mum, he can explain the reasons why etc.. surely he must be understanding of your position, is she the same way with him?

Your mum is mentally abusive. You must be exhausted. All mums are not caring saints. Some are selfish, manipulative shits. Who make their kids feel guilty and ruin their lives in slyly demanding ways.

I have not read the thread but I bet there will have been ‘you’ll miss her when she has gone’ eyerolly comments. Or ‘i would do anything to have my mum do this’. People don’t get it.

This is unlikely to be early dementia. It’s an old woman projecting her misery on to her daughter.

I work in mental health and mothers
like this can ruin their children’s lives and mental well-being.

Keep your boundaries strong OP.

Why can't you just call her on an agreed day if that's what will help her? She lives on her own, she's anxious, and there could be underlying issues. Why be so unkind about it? She lives on her own, she's getting on, she clearly feels insecure. Arrange a time and call her. If you can't, text her. You said about 'Why should I do that?' Why shouldn't you? She's your mum.

Her personality doesn't appear to have changed...