My mother called the police

[Mooshamoo]

My elderly mother can be overbearing. However she has reached new levels.

I told her I would call her last night. However something came up and I didn't. I decided I would call her today instead.

Because I didn't call her last night.

She called the police to come round and check on me this morning. I opened the door to a police woman this morning. The policewoman said "your mother rang us and said she was worried about you".

On top of that, she did something else.

I am selling my house. My mother rang my estate agent this morning aswell and asked him to ring me to check on me.

It was so embarassing. When he rang me I thought he was ringing about the house. He rang and said "your mother called us".

When I spoke to her later I said "why on earth did you ring my estate agent". She said "because he had a key to your house".

I felt so harassed and stressed this morning. like it's way over the top. I mean come on!

@Mooshamoo I'm so sorry you've received such little support on here.

For some reason on MN, any person above a certain age who behaves erratically must have dementia - they can't just be a shitty person.

YANBU in the slightest - your mum's behaviour is horrendous and shouldn't be excused.

I totally get how you feel OP.

However, I think there's a point where you realise that you can no longer treat your parents as equal participants as you might a colleague or friend or sibling.

And you just have to do what works.

With mine it is not expecting to have an equal share in the conversation.

I'm there to listen, respond, sympathise, suggest solutions, and probably enact said solutions. Then give them a snippet about us they can repeat to friends and family to give the appearance of being engaged in our lives, such as the bush they gave us for our garden is flowering, our eldest is revising hard for his exams, the youngest scored a goal at the weekend etc

In your case I would suggest you institute a hard and fast time to call and stick to it.

These are the links, I hope you might have a look and find them helpful:

Threads like Stately Homes as already linked in this thread,
Insight - Exposing Narcissism podcasts,
Videos from Dr Ramani,
Instagram posts from understandingthenarc and patricktheahantherapy
plus a couple of books in particular:
Lindsay Gibson, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Mothers
Susan Forward, Toxic Parents
Someone here recently recommended Mary Toolan and I think her website is very useful https://www.marytoolan.com/

You've had over 300 posts and I've not read them but f no one has already mentioned this, I'd be having a chat with her GP and suggesting they do some simple tests for dementia.

A change in behaviour for someone aged 75 needs looking into, especially when it seems irrational.

It makes me sad you have no compassion for your mom. She might not be able to change. You're so bent out of shape because the police and real estate agent called on you. You could like your mom with your anxiety, she at least is old.

I second giving Dr. Ramani a listen. It really helped me.

I have every sympathy OP. And you're right, it should be her that modifies her behaviour given its ridiculousness.

But.... she won't will she? So you do somehow need to manage that. However unfair it is, the other option is you carry on as you are, in a perfectly reasonable manner, and regularly find yourself opening the door to police and estate agents.

@Mooshamoo

Look into dementia.

One sign is often that someone's personality changes and the things that used to be a minor annoyance become more pronounced.

If you are in the UK you could speak to helplines for information or suggest to your mum that she sees her GP (or talk to her dr yourself.)

I get it OP. It’s not love - it’s control. Let her call the police all she likes - they will end up sorting her out. She is not your responsibility or problem. She may be the woman that gave birth to you but so what - that doesn’t give her any rights over you. Block her and set her adrift. You will be so much happier.

It's ironic that you're 'too busy' to message or call your DM but you can reply to strangers on the internet within minutes.
It's really horrible that your DM was so worried she called the police - something she has never done before - and your response is to slate her online.

When you have had a parent who has used their (usually undiagnosed with no intention of going to a GP) anxiety to control you your entire life it is much harder to feel compassion just because they have got older.

The things the OP has said around her childhood do not make it sound like her mother has ever treated her with compassion.

OP has been abused by her mother for her entire life. I appreciate the back story is not all here but I've read her other threads and her mother has been cruel and controlling since OP was born, abusive throughout. It is perfectly understandable that she doesn't feel compassion for her abuser.

Cut her off until she learns some manners. That's outrageous making you feel bad. Go no contact with her for the rest of the year don't even call her at Christmas she will humble herself soon. You are giving her an audience to fuck about with you.

I have to with my mum, or she would do the exact same 🙄

OP I think your only mistake was posting in AIBU instead of relationships - unfortunately there will always be people who don't get it, the "oh but she's your mother" brigade. My parents are super controlling so I keep them at arms length, it's the only way to deal with them. You need to do what is right for you for your own sanity. You did nothing wrong.

Sorry, haven't RTFT yet. Things have moved on somewhat.

Outrageous behaviour from your mother. Enormous enormous overreaction for not calling her. YANBU.

@Rosscameasdoody another perfectly reasonable conclusion to draw is that OP, who has had a lifetime of her mother, knows whether this is yet another incidence of control and punishment or whether it’s dementia.
I’ll trust the OP over holier than thou abuse excusers.

She sounds lonely and you sound uncaring. She probably is, you are probably not. But there it is. It takes 20 seconds to drop a text so why wouldn’t you, even if you don’t technically have to, if it improves her mental health?
This could be any of us in (insert appropriate figure) years time.

I saw a post on Instagram recently on conversations with emotionally immature parents and it made me feel sick, it was so close to home. It would be worth checking out those links @Escapingafter50years posted.

Im sorry you’re going through this. If she has capacity, then she is making choices, and choices have consequences.

Very similar to what happened to my partner's friend.He didn't answer a call from his aunt after an afternoon pub crawl so she went round and broke into his flat,destroying his front door in the process.

@Mooshamoo from your latest update it’s clear that her ‘worry’ was not a poor little old lady with dementia being distressed she couldn’t get hold of you, but a very angry and vindictive woman trying to punish you.

You know that no matter what you do you will be found short with this woman. Give yourself all the space in the world from her and from the guilt she and her toxic supporters on here insist is her due.

She will never change but I imagine she’s feeling the fear that all bullies with no love around them feels at this stage of life.
If dying alone is what’s behind her ramping up her attempts at binding you to her, make this a long break. She doesn’t deserve you to be there to make these final years better for her.

@ElfAndSafetyBored so if this was a woman posting that her male partner or a friend was behaving like this would you be advising the OP fall into line and text to keep the other party happy?
If not, why is this different? Why does being old or a parent excuse this behaviour?

And for the record, if the OP texts her mother 10 times a day, she will be berated for not texting 11. If she calls every day, she will be berated for not calling 5 times a day.

How did your brother call you if your phone was off because you were working from home? (Why turn your phone off if you were working from home if you did have it off?)

you sound angry and not just because of your mum. You are bad tempered and closed to friendly advice from strangers despite asking for it.

if you feel you dislike your mum so strongly be brave enough to tell her and get out of her life rather than expecting her to accommodate your quirks and don’t expect strangers to react to a drip feed kindly especially when it’s clear you’re over reacting about your mum
over reacting ….you may actually have more in common with your mum than you think

My mum is pretty fantastic but also strives to be super involved in my life and hasn’t really been able to transition from mother-of-tiny-children to mother-of-independent-adults. She is also a terrible worrier and, if everything is tickety boo, will literally invent things to fret about. I was late home once - she had called Scotland Yard 5 times by the time I got home. Quite ridiculous! As she has got older she has relaxed and probably would now not call the police. I just say this in response to everyone saying “onset of dementia” etc as I don’t think this is always the case - at her worst point, my mother was in her 40’s and is now improved somewhat.