My mother called the police

[Mooshamoo]

My elderly mother can be overbearing. However she has reached new levels.

I told her I would call her last night. However something came up and I didn't. I decided I would call her today instead.

Because I didn't call her last night.

She called the police to come round and check on me this morning. I opened the door to a police woman this morning. The policewoman said "your mother rang us and said she was worried about you".

On top of that, she did something else.

I am selling my house. My mother rang my estate agent this morning aswell and asked him to ring me to check on me.

It was so embarassing. When he rang me I thought he was ringing about the house. He rang and said "your mother called us".

When I spoke to her later I said "why on earth did you ring my estate agent". She said "because he had a key to your house".

I felt so harassed and stressed this morning. like it's way over the top. I mean come on!

Disregard previous post - wrong thread!!

My mother did this sort of thing. She sent the fire brigade to my sister's house for no reason at all, except that she was worried about difficult access to the house.

OP, this thread isn't going to help. Here's why. People who have nice Mums or even ok Mums don't understand what it's like to have an awful Mum.

There seems to be an unwillingness to accept that sometimes, Mums are awful. People who ARE good Mums also can't fathom what it means to be an awful Mum. I don't miss my Mum but I just can't work out why she would treat her children so badly; because I cannot even begin to imagine treating my children in the same way.

I am low contact with mine. My MIL always made out I was at fault for this- until one day, my Mum turned her hate against her Son; and suddenly she understood.

You need to speak to your Brother. Tell him to not join in with the ringing. Apologise to the Estate Agent and ask them to block her number. However, if it has got significantly worse, it's worth mentioning this to your Brother as it may be a sign of some deterioration.

Personally, I wouldn't contact her again- but only you know the full backstory and need to make that decision for yourself.

If you have other siblings could they take your mum to the gp? I wouldn’t agree with all the people suggesting Alzheimers or dementia but I would definitely think there could be mh or anxiety issues. Could someone talk to her or could you when you’re not so upset? We all get anxious just some people get it on another level. Maybe she’s lonely or is worrying over something else x

I had a mum just like this. She was coercive and abusive all the time she was alive. She would phone 20 times a day, even if I'd told her I was busy at work.

In the end I did two things: I said that because I was being stalked by someone, my phone had specialist software on it that automatically blocked callers who called more than twice, and would only unblock after a week.
I also said that I was worried that her behaviour was irrational and that if she was unable to remember when I'd said I'd call, it meant I'd have to sort out a mental health assessment.
These two responses worked really well, over time. In fact just being kind but firm with her and very logical seemed to work and she became more respectful of my boundaries until she got genuinely unwell in her very late 70s: it was obvious when she did.
Because I'd managed to do this we had a few years before she died where our relationship was almost quite nice, she'd phone on a Sunday and talk about herself, and I can look back on that now and feel glad that I put my foot down.
It's hugely upsetting being treated like this, as though you're an object and a real violation of your boundaries. I don't blame you at all for your reaction. The worst thing is I used to get the same responses from people, they thought that I was being cruel and she just loved me and she was getting old. No, there is a difference between control and love, violating your boundaries and dementia - and I knew it and you know it. Sending hugs. XXX

Totally get where you are coming from OP. I am very lucky and have a lovely mum, her mum on the other hand was a dreadful woman.

My nan was only 16 when she got pregnant with my mum, a huge embarrassment back in the 1940’s. Mum was always being told she’d ruined my nan’s life, she was a dreadful daughter and so on. Her half siblings were treated much better because they were born ‘in wedlock’.

As she got older, nan got more spiteful towards my mum. Multiple calls a day, demanding visits and care. She even called my mum an hour after we got back from the hospital the day my dad died. She couldn’t even give my poor mum time to grieve.

Nan died a few months ago and my mum is finally starting to not jump every time the phone goes.

This. And the next time her mum involves the police, there will probably be a health check via paramedics and a referral to social services for follow up if they suspect a mental health problem. This is what happened with my own mum the first and only time she called police and reported me ‘missing’. I was contacted by the police and when I got home, there was a police car and an ambulance outside the house. They referred us to social services as standard and we got a follow up phone call the day after. Mum was diagnosed with dementia not long afterwards, during which we were advised that previously escalating behaviour was a typical exaggeration of an existing personality trait, out of control due to the dementia. It sounds very similar to the OP’s situation and I agree, she needs to make her mums’ GP aware of what’s happening. If it’s dementia it’s not going to stop, and burying her head in the sand won’t make it go away.

If this kind of behaviour has always been a personality trait, then it could very well be dementia, as the disease can exaggerate existing traits way beyond the control of the sufferer.

OP, I understand how you feel and I think you've been given a hard time on this thread.

My mum was the same, behaviour-wise. To be fair, hers was down to very, very poor mental health and chronic anxiety, but I do understand how utterlu exhausting it is to deal with.

She lived round the corner and would bang on the front door of my block of flats, ring all the buzzers etc, at 8am on a weekend if my curtains were still closed at that time as she was 'scared I was dead'. My neighbours soon got very fed up with it too, it made things very uncomfortable.

She did the same once when I didn't answer the phone during the day because I was 'having a nap' (ahem) with my DH who I'd not seen for 3 weeks.

If I was home 'late' from work, if the lights in my flat weren't on when she expected them to be, if I'd gone out and she didn't know, she'd come round or phone endlessly.

My father couldn't leave the house for more than 10 mins, without constant phonecalls from her wanting to know when he would be back home.

She was ill, and it was sad, but it was still awful, disruptive, controlling behaviour. 7 years after her death it still makes me anxious / stressed to think of it sometimes. I know my dad, despite missing her, feels huge relief at not having to deal with that behaviour anymore.

Your mum may be ill, or she may not. Either way I think the impact on you is very similar and I hope you look after yourself.

OP I think we need to establish whether she’s always been controlling like this, or whether her behaviour is escalating.

I note you mention she’s able to go to groups - that’s not really a marker for dementia or other mental health issues. People can cope a surprising amount, but when you look back you can see some signs that things are amiss.

You also seem to think that she has insight into what she’s doing - but she may not. If there’s some cognitive impairment she may believe she’s doing the right thing and not understand that her actions are excessive.

I understand where you’re coming from with regard to past issues - my relationship with my own mother isn’t great by any stretch of the imagination. That said, if she were in need of help for her mental health I’d try to help especially if it made my life easier in the long run. Get her to the GP for a memory assessment, they should do some blood tests as well as part of the work up. If she passes both with flying colours, then you know where you stand and can leave her to control her own life, but not yours.

It’s a perfectly reasonable conclusion to draw, given the OP’s unwillingness to engage with the fact that this could very likely be dementia.

Completely agree with OP and these posters.
FYI mumsnet not all mothers are wonderful, loving and caring. Some just want to control their children. Pay attention at mothers day etc when cards are out and there are some of us searching for mothers day cards which don't say 'to the most amazing, supportive wonderful mother' etc

OP I'm sorry your mother has done this to you. I'm currently frozen out by mine, not quite sure what I did this time but I'll soon be told with the 'pity me' voice 🤦‍♀️

Mine would have denied she got the text, or said I promised to call a different time, or say I should call earlier/later/more often/ for longer, or she’d call again because I didn’t sound very upbeat when she called before and she was so worried. In a whiny voice every time. And the best thing of all was that when I called her she never wanted to listen to anything about me.

You described it so well! This is the exact behaviour, my mum was quite like this, my dad is like this. It's not dementia, it's their anxiety of being left alone to die, and this anxiety grows with age. They pretend they are worried and really care about you, but they are just interested in having you as close as possible, most of the time. It's a kind of specific emotional manipulation, sometimes innocent (when they don't realise it and are convinced that they do it out of fatherly/motherly love), sometimes not so innocent (when they also pretend that they are very unwell and suffer from some illness, just to be sure that you come to the rescue quickly enough - or to guilt trip you).

And I think there's a certain sign that an elderly person is really desperate or mentally ill or close to death: when they completely stop caring about what you say, about your life, and only concentrate on themselves and their needs, without any exception. As long as a parent still asks you at least a vague question about your life, and still cares at least a little about your comfort, your health, work, children, pets, and is still able to listen when you tell them something about your life, they are still ok and their mind functions well.

Time to go no contact! You don't have to have her in your life. And tbh, the way you feel about what she's done, I'm surprised you haven't considered this option before.

I think you are missing the point that it may not matter to the OP if her mother has dementia or not.

You do realize that’s not a ‘get out of jail free card’ for a lifetime of abuse, right?

I think this too

@Mooshamoo I can't believe some of the replies you are getting! I don't think you are BU and neither do I think you are lucky to have her (and my mum died a long time ago!) She sounds controlling.

It could indeed be due to cognitive decline. Or not.

I do think that you have some culpability OP (not much just a bit) because you have set up, or allowed, a situation to develop where you are very specific to say what time you will ring (day and time) and then.... you don't do it and you don't think it matters which is just going to set up problems. This is very anxiety provoking when the ground rules aren't clear.

You are completely at liberty to do this and be answerable to no-one (but also have no-one to check on whether you are home safe, fallen down, etc.) and many people like to live this way. In which case you need to be very clear with your Mum (write it down) what your boundaries are, what the criteria are for genuine worry on her part, what she should and should not do about it, who else she should contact in an emergency when she can't get you, etc.

She might be projecting and it's herself she's worried about, if regular contact isn't maintained e.g. what would she do if she fell, that kind of thing. She might need an emergency button alert system. And she may have other specific anxieties around health, security, neighbour behaviour or crime, etc. Have the conversations that need to be had.

This is how my chat went with her earlier today.

I said "I don't want that to happen ever again. I don't want the police round to my house ever again".

Her _" well it's your fault for not calling. "

I said : sometimes I'm busy , and I'll call you when I'm free.

Her: "you busy? Call me when you're free? Sure what do you do .
Sure you do nothing in your life. You don't even wash a cup".

( My house is pretty clean actually)

Etc etc.

Her: "well I'll never bother calling you ever again. You're not worth it."

@Mooshamoo
You could check.out the stately homes thread on here as people will get it on there.
Many people have less than ideal.parents but those who don't have experience of it will always trot out the " you only get one mother " line.

People jumping to a possible dementia diagnosis or berating the OP for being unkind are obviously lucky enough to have had a mother who truly loved them. Unfortunately there are many of us who weren't so lucky. It would, however, have been helpful for the OP to have explained initially that there was a backstory, particularly as it happens a lot here that people don't read the rest of the thread before responding.

OP when I read your initial post I had a feeling it might be a situation like my "mother" who has always used the phone as a weapon. So I wasn't surprised to read your later post

My mother has been hard work since I was a young child. She hated having children and told me that she regretted having children. She never once showed me any love. Ever. Just shouted and screamed at me since the day i was born.

She is not going to change. She is the centre of her universe and you only fit in that universe so long as you behave. Not answering her call is not behaving, so therefore you had to be punished. Calling the police was an extreme move on her part so that you would know in future to behave and to answer her calls. She will not be ignored!!

As you cannot change her, you can only change how you respond to her. I'm happily a couple of years no contact with my narcissistic mother, whose covert abuse went unseen by everyone all my life, I didn't even understand it was her rather than me until a situation over the phone resulted in me seeking therapy.

I was away for the weekend and told her I was turning my phone off. When I came back she started spouting off at me. I didn't rise to her bait and she kept escalating and escalating. Finally she told me if I was a proper mother she would have a better relationship with her grandchildren. (Who she never babysat or loved or helped me with, but constantly criticised them as children and me as a mother, yet because of my special training I stayed).

The situation was never resolved. She left me a voicemail saying she didn't know why I wanted an apology but she was sorry. She wrote me a letter calling me a liar and telling me to leave her alone. She has alienated all her side of the family, bar 1 person, from me. She "cries" if someone asks about me but doesn't tell them she told me to leave her alone or about the rest of her behaviour.

Through therapy I now understand that I have been emotionally neglected and suffering narcissistic abuse my whole life. It has been hard to get my head around this, but now I hold my head up high and if anyone asks about my family I give them an honest but unemotional answer. It has been amazing how many people have then opened up to me about abusive behaviour in their families. My life is so much more peaceful without her in it. I have blocked all those who supported her and didn't even contact me to see how I was doing and would suggest you consider the same, especially given she has a history of dispatching "flying monkeys" to get you back in line.

I posted some links on another thread recently to Instagram accounts and podcasts that I've found really helpful, I'll have a look later and see if I can find them.

"well I'll never bother calling you ever again”

If only, they always fucking call again. I hope social services call me one day saying my parents need help, I’ll tell them I’ll give the precise amount of care they gave me.

Then I’ll put the phone down 😂

I get it OP

My mum gets anxious about things but she uses that anxiety to try to control me and my siblings and make their lives smaller. And that means I spend far too much time worrying about how my behaviour will go down with her.

For example when I got a cat she had to go to bed for three days because her anxiety made her so ill. We grew up with cats, I'm not allergic to them, my house is appropriate for them, the cat didn't have additional needs. There was literally no reason why it was okay for her to have a cat but anxiety inducing for me to have one. She was just pissed I didn't ask her permission (as an adult woman)

She tried to control how far we travel in a day, where we go on holiday, what job we have, what our hobbies are etc etc. She tries to limit us and make our lives smaller and tells us it's because she loves us that's why she has so much anxiety. She tries to make us responsible for her feelings instead of taking responsibility for them herself.

So I understand it wasn't just one text as some posters think. Because it's never one text. And the moment you relax the boundaries more and more and more requests come through that are stifling. So the moment you agree to text her if you don't call on a certain day it will then move to something like having to text her every day you don't call, and then responding to texts within a certain time frame etc.

Then why don't you go No Contact?

You're well within your rights to

My mother was always like this. If I left her side anywhere within a few minutes they'd be a call over a tannoy for me. It was just ridiculous.
Went on for decades until her death.
It was a control and an attention behavior. She also used to call every morning as soon as she woke up! I'm talking 6/7am.
No reasoning with her worked.
If I was ever slightly unwell she'd call a doctor for a house visit...had to pretend to be much sicker than I was on many an occasion.
She was a law unto herself.