My mother called the police

[Mooshamoo]

My elderly mother can be overbearing. However she has reached new levels.

I told her I would call her last night. However something came up and I didn't. I decided I would call her today instead.

Because I didn't call her last night.

She called the police to come round and check on me this morning. I opened the door to a police woman this morning. The policewoman said "your mother rang us and said she was worried about you".

On top of that, she did something else.

I am selling my house. My mother rang my estate agent this morning aswell and asked him to ring me to check on me.

It was so embarassing. When he rang me I thought he was ringing about the house. He rang and said "your mother called us".

When I spoke to her later I said "why on earth did you ring my estate agent". She said "because he had a key to your house".

I felt so harassed and stressed this morning. like it's way over the top. I mean come on!

It sounds like dementia. It’s not a normal reaction. Would she be open to seeing her gp for some tests? If not I’d be inclined to let her go what is happening.

If she does indeed have a mental health condition then this is an awful comment to make.
Anxiety makes people do strange things. It would be absolutely no skin off your nose to give her a quick ring or a text but it might make a huge difference to her.

It might be dementia but it also might not be! My mother is like this and definitely doesn’t have dementia.

I feel sorry for your mum because you haven't worked it out with her yet. What sort of relationship do you want with her?

I did not get on with my mother and in the end, we worked out a relationship that we could both manage. It was mainly me calling her and not seeing her until she was on her death bed.

So now you know how your mother feels!

@Mooshamoo weird responses on here - there is a thread on the relationships board called ‘but we brought you to stately homes!’ which is for people who have had uhhhh unfortunate parenting. The relationships board is where to take this, AIBU you’ll get 100s of people with perfectly normal parents who just don’t get it.

@Soontobe60 what's that supposed to mean, op an adult might i add didn't answer her mum's call so that warrants a police visit just because she may have dementia, which she might not, she might just like being vindictive because she's been that way to op since she was a child

I was utterly relieved when my mother died, and haven't missed her one bit since. Not everyone has nice parents. Some people's parents are deeply abusive, and their death is the greatest blessing.

Sympathies OP, I've never had the police but I did once find mine sobbing on my doorstep because I'd not answered my phone. I also had the owner of my gym tell hand me his phone and say "it's your mum" AND a random colleague (in a company of 1000's) ring my extension and ask if he could put my mum through as she'd found his number and wanted to speak to me.

It's embarrassing at best, and if you have a bad relationship I can see how controlling it would feel.

@FigTreeInEurope I think I'll feel the same way.

It’s actually staggering to me how many of the mum defenders on here are repeating almost word for word many of the things my - narcissistic, controlling, manipulative- mother has said to me over the years to try to get me under her miserable thumb.

Emotionally abusive, passive agressive manipulators clearly all get the same handbook at birth.

I hope the children of these individuals have the strength to wise up and cut them off as soon as they can.

OP, I haven’t read all the responses here, so apologies if a PP has already said this, but I think you drip fed here, which is why you’re not getting the response I assume you want. For most people with most mothers (and I appreciate that’s not you), it would be a cause for concern if their mother suddenly acted this way. However, if you’d explained from the start that you’ve always had a difficult relationship with your mother and/or she’s always been very controlling, I think people would see the incident in context and be more supportive of you. My Dad — who I had a good relationship with — used to drive me mad towards the end because he’d call repeatedly until I answered, but with him it was definitely driven by fear/panic/anxiety/dementia and even knowing that, I used to feel hounded, so I’m not surprised, given your relationship with your mum, that you’ve had enough. What did she say when you spoke to her about it?

Why didn't you text her to say you'd call today instead?

Why should I have to?

Because you had said you would call on that evening. So it's good manners at least.

I understand what it's like if you're tired/don't feel up to it though.

And she has been too much in response.

I agree. I’ve said this several times. I understand that it’s difficult given her mum’s past history, but in the end it comes down to whether the OP is prepared to take action to sort it out. If it’s dementia - and from my own experience it certainly sounds like it as this is exactly the kind of escalation in controlling behaviour which led to my mothers’ dementia diagnosis - then her mother isn’t in control, and the problem won’t go away. A phone call to her mums’ GP alerting them to a possible mental health problem and asking for help is what’s needed. If it’s not dementia or MH related, then the OP needn’t feel guilty about going NC. It’s worth noting that in dementia, existing personality traits can become exaggerated - hence the escalation.

Sorry OP, but you are going to need to adjust to her changing needs. It's more complicated by the difficult relationship you have, unfortunately. I think people who have a selfish streak also tend to have it amplified as they get older.

When you don't call her or respond to her immediately, she is going to worry about herself. The 'what if I had a fall' worry gets magnified. She knows (for now) how unreasonable that might seem, so she converts it to worrying about you, which as a mother seems less socially unacceptable.

It's going to get worse. You won't be able to reason it away. She needs more care, no matter how annoying it is.

Get in touch with your local authority Older Adults Mental Health team and her GP.

OP I remember your previous threads. You've had a really rough time and I don't blame you for feeling the way you do about your mum. Another person here sending you a hug

I suspect dementia. Drs appointment for MH assessment

It is her responsibility to change her behaviour

Not sure if you are deliberately being obtuse OR you don’t fully assimilate information. At 75yo, it may be that organic changes are occurring that mean her behaviour is changing, she is not fully in control of that, and she genuinely cannot change her behaviour. You demanding she change her behaviour is like demanding a native English speaker learn and speak fluent Russian within 4 hours, it’s the same level of impossible. Also, your claim that you know women 5 years older than your mum with no behavioural issues shows a lack of basic understanding. Individuals age at different rates in this regard. Someone can be 105 with no adverse changes, another can be 60 when you start to see an organic shift indicating the start of something amiss.

Maybe instead of having a meltdown yourself, write to your mums GP expressing concern over altered behaviour. They won’t communicate with you but will keep it in mind over the course of time they see her. Also, maybe just explain to the police, real estate agent etc if they front up that your mum is elderly and suffering confusing behaviours, they will understand this and it won’t be the drama you are currently making it into.

One of my aunties was like this. Once when we were teens she heard a siren in our town so she called the shoe store my cousin and I had told her we were going to to make sure we hadn't been in an accident! We just accepted it was part of her personality and it has given us some great stories now that she is gone.

@HoppingPavlova I think a look in a mirror before you call anyone else obtuse or accuse them of not assimilating information might be useful.

You don't sound worried about your mum.Her behaviour was out of proportion,she may have a requirement for a mental health assessment.
If you know she Did have anxiety,why trigger it by not bothering to call or at least send a text?your reply of why should i? Sounds like a selfish teenager.are you 16?
Help your mum get assessed and help both of you by agreeing on set times for visits and calls and stick to them.

Please come and find the “stately homes” threads in relationships.
often people don’t understand about these kinds of relationships if they have never experienced them. It I promise there are others who understand x

I get it @Mooshamoo and yanbu. Mine was like this. She would often say I’d promised to call / go round on a specific day/time (when I’d said no such thing), then she’d call and give me a long monologue about how she was so worried. She’d call me at work for no good reason at all, and try to keep me on the phone by talking at me at length when I was meant to be working. She called my boss and told him she was so worried because she hadn’t heard from me for weeks (untrue). She called the ward I was on before having the dc and got the nurses to drag me to their office phone because I wasn’t giving her frequent enough updates on whether I’d gone into labour. She called a b&b when I was on holiday and told them to tell me to call her, because she claimed I said I’d visit her that weekend (untrue) and she was so worried. She called them several times during the day and I was of course out.
People with normal, nice mums don’t understand how this feels so ignore them. You’re absolutely right in that if you sent her a text to say “I’ll call tomorrow at 6” that wouldn’t satisfy her, nothing would. Mine would have denied she got the text, or said I promised to call a different time, or say I should call earlier/later/more often/ for longer, or she’d call again because I didn’t sound very upbeat when she called before and she was so worried. In a whiny voice every time. And the best thing of all was that when I called her she never wanted to listen to anything about me. The sole purpose of the calls were to make me listen to a moany monologue.
No I didn’t like her, and I understand why you didn’t like yours. It doesn’t mean you don’t care about her. Don’t let anyone guilt trip you with “one day she’ll be gone”. When mine died I grieved, but I don’t miss her. She caused a lot of unhappiness.

My mother has used the police as a punishment for "bad behaviour" several times for different people, playing the worried mother card for me. There's obviously an issue there but I don't know what it is or how to deal with it.
I still send cards for Birthdays & Christmas knowing that if I don't the consequences will be worse. I gave up my landline years ago so she can't phone anymore, we blocked each other on social media and we live a long way and in opposite directions from where we once lived.
It's not easy, especially when people minimise because they can't comprehend the situation. I know "but she's your mum", I know people think I should just grin and bear it, be the better person etc. I know "you'll be sorry when she's gone" and that "you only get one mum", it's fucking heart breaking.
People like us know but we don't have a choice, it's self-preservation. The only way for me is minimal contact, the relief when I realised she couldn't get to me anymore was massive. I'd under estimated the stress I was under not knowing whether there'd be an online message, email or a call, once those options were gone I felt better.
It is not your fault. Look after yourself.

I was on a text chain with a friend about a person we were working with on a project that was not work related (lets call him K) . I was annoyed with K and sent a text that said "He thinks he's so above everyone else! F%$K (typed out the word) him. Sent it to my boss. MY boss and I had been having a work discussion what could have caused me to think that about him, but it wasn't. I started to pack my office. LOL My boss called me hours later...I was a wreck. I asked him if he knew "K". He said he did not. I said "well, he is an awful man!" My bosses response was "Yea, F$%K him"! 😂^^