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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to feel weird over this with DH?

118 replies

namechanged052023 · 31/05/2023 22:52

I’m feeling a bit weird about something that happened with me and DH and I’m not sure how to move on from it or get over it. Sorry if it’s a bit TMI.

We were on our last night of our holiday and DH wanted to do oral on me. I don’t like it so I will usually say no. He dropped a couple of hints about doing it then asked me outright if I wanted it a couple of times but I said no but then he did it anyway. I can’t remember exactly how it happened, if I eventually said yes or not?

I let him do it for a bit but then it was really going through me so I asked him to stop, I asked him if he wanted to have sex instead, he kept going and I had to kind of squirm out of the way/push him so he would eventually stop.

We had an early transfer the next morning and it was late, I just wanted to go to sleep so we just did hand stuff, he kept trying to stretch it out but I just wanted it to be over with, I didn’t tell him not to touch me but I just laid there wishing he would finish.

It’s been a few days now and it keeps randomly popping into my mind and making me feel a bit sick. I don’t know if it was okay or not, or if I’m just over reacting? I feel like I’m confused because most of the time he’s really respectful in bed, although we have had some occasions like this when we were earlier in our relationship. AIBU to be feeling weird about this?

OP posts:
RedSoloCup · 31/05/2023 22:57

Well yes as no means no so he had no right to ignore you!

Banana1979 · 31/05/2023 23:00

You need to tell him how he made you feel, in case he tries that again
if he is a respectful person in general, as you say, then he would understand that he upset you and made you feel weird and uncomfortable, and hopefully he will never do that again. make it really really clear to him no means no, and even though you lay there for a little bit you still didn’t like it and make it extra clear to him that you do not like oral sex and that you never want to have it again and it’s off the table, moving forward. I don’t like it either .

Babsexxx · 01/06/2023 09:20

Well it sounds like you absolutely hated it and you wasn’t consensual at all!!! It’s so common for people to be really confused by sexual assault because it’s there spouse…this was sexual assault sorry op but I would have to end it.

Skyblue92 · 01/06/2023 09:28

Babsexxx · 01/06/2023 09:20

Well it sounds like you absolutely hated it and you wasn’t consensual at all!!! It’s so common for people to be really confused by sexual assault because it’s there spouse…this was sexual assault sorry op but I would have to end it.

This, people tend to ignore sexual assault in marriage/relationships as well as marital rape (not suggesting the latter happened) as some assume being married/relationships automatically mean yes to anything and everything sexual, it was only the 90s martial rape became a crime.

OP you need to tell him how it made you feel and how he made you feel personally and how it is still affecting you.

Babsexxx · 01/06/2023 09:33

Why even instigate anything your spouse has expressed that they don’t like anyway? He knew what he was doing there….

Shoxfordian · 01/06/2023 09:38

He knows you don’t like it and ignored you. It’s sexual contact you did not consent to op; you’re feeling weird because you were assaulted

Bluebells1970 · 01/06/2023 09:50

You said No. He did it anyway.

I wouldn't trust him ever again after that. I would calmly tell him how troubled you are, and that you need to engage in couples sexual therapy before you even attempt to have sex again. He needs to know that No means No, and you're allowed to say it. He is supposed to be the person you trust more than anyone else, and he's broken that trust.

PauliesWalnuts · 01/06/2023 09:57

He should have stopped. If he’s usually respectful I would mention it when there are no distractions - telly off, no kids around pestering, and just say that he needs to respect that sometimes you aren’t in the mood and you don’t want an incident like that to spoil the connection that you have.

I don’t think that shows like Sex and the City and women’s magazines do this issue any favours to be honest. They perpetuate this myth that every woman loves oral. Some of us don’t, for a variety of reasons. I’m no prude but I don’t like it - there’s not enough friction, and it doesn’t get me to orgasm. I’ve tried enough times with enough partners to know that it’s not for me. And we don’t have to enjoy everything.

greennotepad · 01/06/2023 10:00

The specifics of liking oral or not are irrelevant- the fact is you don't like something sexually, you said you didn't want to do it, and he did it anyway.

That is sexual assault, sorry OP. I'd feel like the trust is broken.

GodspeedJune · 01/06/2023 10:04

I’m really sorry OP. This is assault, and that’s why you have been left feeling like this. Do you have anyone you can talk to offline?

BigButtons · 01/06/2023 10:19

That’s awful OP. Yes it is assault. I love oral- giving and receiving but my DP doesn’t like it. I miss it a lot BUT I would never dream of even asking him again( after the initial conversation and I discovered his feelings),let alone going down on him knowing what I know.

Original poster
namechanged052023 · 02/06/2023 11:29

Sorry it's taken me a while to come back to this thread, I think I was a bit nervous about what the replies would be.

Sadly I don't have anyone I can speak to about this in real life. I'd be so embarassed and I wouldn't want them to judge him or say anything to him about it. I've been seeing a counsellor but only for a short time and don't know if I could face bringing it up to her.

I don't know if I can talk to him about it. He gets really touchy if he thinks I'm accusing him of something. I don't want to upset him. I get quite embarassed talking about sex anyway which I know is a bit silly and I don't know why, I didn't used to.

Does everyone in a relationship not end up doing things with their partner sometimes that they're not too fussed about, for their partner?

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 02/06/2023 11:34

Does everyone in a relationship not end up doing things with their partner sometimes that they're not too fussed about, for their partner?

No.

However, even if they did that’s not what happened with you. He refused to stop when you told him to. That’s assault.

It doesn’t matter if it’s something you love or hate, something he instigated or you do, when someone says no/stop then the other person stops because consent has been removed (and in your case wasn’t even freely given in the first place).

Isthisasillyquestion · 02/06/2023 11:34

Why don't you like it OP? Maybe he thinks you will like it if you try it. You've said you don't even like talking about sex - are you quite prudish in general? I don't mean that offensively.

Maybe he's trying to get you to be a bit more adventurous and went about it the wrong way. I'm sorry I don't see this as sexual assault personally but then I love and trust my partner completely (and could talk to him without him getting cross if I really didn't like something) and know we do like to explore new things sexually.

I know I'll get lots of people quoting this saying what a terrible person I am but I do feel on mumsnet people are very quick to vilify the husband. Either way you need to talk to him and consider why you're sexually closed off to him - Maybe he's not the right man for you anyway.

Hankunamatata · 02/06/2023 11:36

Be firm op. Next time a loud nope and push him. If he gets arsy it's him

BigButtons · 02/06/2023 11:42

namechanged052023 · 02/06/2023 11:29

Sorry it's taken me a while to come back to this thread, I think I was a bit nervous about what the replies would be.

Sadly I don't have anyone I can speak to about this in real life. I'd be so embarassed and I wouldn't want them to judge him or say anything to him about it. I've been seeing a counsellor but only for a short time and don't know if I could face bringing it up to her.

I don't know if I can talk to him about it. He gets really touchy if he thinks I'm accusing him of something. I don't want to upset him. I get quite embarassed talking about sex anyway which I know is a bit silly and I don't know why, I didn't used to.

Does everyone in a relationship not end up doing things with their partner sometimes that they're not too fussed about, for their partner?

No one should do things they are not comfortable with sexually. Ever. Are you looking to excuse his behaviour and put the onus on yourself to fix it?

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 02/06/2023 11:45

I think you need to tell him, and tell him firmly, who cares if he gets touchy about it, he should do tbh. His behaviour was disgraceful

Namechangedagain20 · 02/06/2023 11:50

@Isthisasillyquestion

Did you even read the OP?!

*He dropped a couple of hints about doing it then asked me outright if I wanted it a couple of times but I said no but then he did it anyway. I can’t remember exactly how it happened, if I eventually said yes or not?

I let him do it for a bit but then it was really going through me so I asked him to stop, I asked him if he wanted to have sex instead, he kept going and I had to kind of squirm out of the way/push him so he would eventually stop.*

She said No. Multiple times. She had to physically move herself out of the way to get him to stop. In what world is that not sexual assault?

OP, you have every right to feel violated by this. I would say you need to have a conversation with him but it sounds like that may not be very productive. How is the relationship in general?

justpushingthrough · 02/06/2023 11:59

Does everyone in a relationship not end up doing things with their partner sometimes that they're not too fussed about, for their partner?

Context is really important here, there are times, when i cant be arsed and husband managed to persuade me by kissing touching etc, my protests are weak at best and i tend to end up doing it because hes managed to turn me on and then im fully into it anyways.

However, if ive every said a clear "No i don't want to tonight" then he will absolutely back off.

There has been times where ive perhaps done things i haven't loved, for example 69s, i need to be in the mood, they can be awkward but ive told him and we found a new way of doing it which i absolutely love.

Communication is key here and ive found the best way of communicating about sex is just after sex, they are relaxed, happy and much more open to suggestions.

Original poster
namechanged052023 · 02/06/2023 12:50

Isthisasillyquestion · 02/06/2023 11:34

Why don't you like it OP? Maybe he thinks you will like it if you try it. You've said you don't even like talking about sex - are you quite prudish in general? I don't mean that offensively.

Maybe he's trying to get you to be a bit more adventurous and went about it the wrong way. I'm sorry I don't see this as sexual assault personally but then I love and trust my partner completely (and could talk to him without him getting cross if I really didn't like something) and know we do like to explore new things sexually.

I know I'll get lots of people quoting this saying what a terrible person I am but I do feel on mumsnet people are very quick to vilify the husband. Either way you need to talk to him and consider why you're sexually closed off to him - Maybe he's not the right man for you anyway.

I can be a bit prudish I suppose, but I do enjoy sex in general. I don't like oral, never really have with other partners either, I suspect he thinks that maybe he can get me to like it or I'm just being weird for not liking it. It just doesn't really do anything for me, it didn't with previous partners either.

OP posts:
Original poster
namechanged052023 · 02/06/2023 12:51

@Namechangedagain20 our relationship is really good in general most of the time, but we have had a few issues, one of the reasons I've started seeing a counsellor to kind of help me get some perspective on them.

OP posts:
ModestMoon · 02/06/2023 12:55

Does everyone in a relationship not end up doing things with their partner sometimes that they're not too fussed about, for their partner?

Yes, I don't like giving oral but will do it if partner wants. This is very different from what happened to you, though. You actually said no and he did it anyway.

Ponoka7 · 02/06/2023 13:00

I think move it to relationships and being up your other issues. All together they might add up to this being a relationship that needs to come to an end.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 02/06/2023 13:02

Isthisasillyquestion · 02/06/2023 11:34

Why don't you like it OP? Maybe he thinks you will like it if you try it. You've said you don't even like talking about sex - are you quite prudish in general? I don't mean that offensively.

Maybe he's trying to get you to be a bit more adventurous and went about it the wrong way. I'm sorry I don't see this as sexual assault personally but then I love and trust my partner completely (and could talk to him without him getting cross if I really didn't like something) and know we do like to explore new things sexually.

I know I'll get lots of people quoting this saying what a terrible person I am but I do feel on mumsnet people are very quick to vilify the husband. Either way you need to talk to him and consider why you're sexually closed off to him - Maybe he's not the right man for you anyway.

A man who doesn’t stop doing something sexual to a woman when she withdraws her consent is sexually assaulting her.

Would you say the same if it was penetrative sex he refused to stop? Or anal sex? Or something that inflicted pain? I bet you’d agree that he should instantly stop then when told… just because it’s something non painful and enjoyed by others doesn’t make it any different.

He sexually assaulted the OP and trying to dress that as her not being adventurous enough or prudish because she doesn’t like that act is shameful on your part.

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