AIBU to feel weird over this with DH?

[namechanged052023]

I’m feeling a bit weird about something that happened with me and DH and I’m not sure how to move on from it or get over it. Sorry if it’s a bit TMI.

We were on our last night of our holiday and DH wanted to do oral on me. I don’t like it so I will usually say no. He dropped a couple of hints about doing it then asked me outright if I wanted it a couple of times but I said no but then he did it anyway. I can’t remember exactly how it happened, if I eventually said yes or not?

I let him do it for a bit but then it was really going through me so I asked him to stop, I asked him if he wanted to have sex instead, he kept going and I had to kind of squirm out of the way/push him so he would eventually stop.

We had an early transfer the next morning and it was late, I just wanted to go to sleep so we just did hand stuff, he kept trying to stretch it out but I just wanted it to be over with, I didn’t tell him not to touch me but I just laid there wishing he would finish.

It’s been a few days now and it keeps randomly popping into my mind and making me feel a bit sick. I don’t know if it was okay or not, or if I’m just over reacting? I feel like I’m confused because most of the time he’s really respectful in bed, although we have had some occasions like this when we were earlier in our relationship. AIBU to be feeling weird about this?

Why didn't you join your family?

Change is scary. But isn't the idea of spending the next 20-30-40 years living with him scarier? It would be for me, especially if I saw freedom out there waiting for me.

As far as finances, the first thing to do is look at your income and figure any benefits you'd be entitled to, if any. Then look around at housing. Even relocating if that would be a possibility. You haven't mentioned children, so there is nothing to 'force' you to stay where you are if you can get a job elsewhere.

As far as the house, as my BFF said when she did a 'midday' flit; "A house is only bricks and sticks and stuff is just 'stuff'. I can find another place to live and I can get more 'stuff'. But I only have one life and it is irreplaceable". As far as the house, why do you want to stay their? Cheap mortgage/rent? Was it yours before the marriage?

Do you have family and friends you can talk to? If not, ask yourself why. Perhaps he's alienated you from them or them from you by picking quarrels or telling you lies. It's an abuser's #1 tool, get you away from those who will protect you or urge you to get away. To make you think you have 'only him' and no one else would put up with you. So think about that. If you find that you have been separated from those who would be on your side, call them. I'll bet they're praying for your call. After all you have so much to gain and so little to lose by reaching out. If you have to hear a few 'We told you so" it will be so worth it in the end.

Contact WA and other groups that deal with spousal abuse. Abuse is not always hitting. It's also about coercive control and gaslighting.

You can do this. You really can. Don't let fear stop you.

So there is no ambiguity, you are in a highly abusive relationship with a man who threatens you to control you and sexually assaults.

These are real crimes being committed by a bad man.

The police will take this seriously.

Reaching out for help.

Calling Women's aid who will help.

Telling family and friends the truth.

You can do this.

You can be free.

Tell the therapist the truth.

This is not a man to inflict on children.

Right- so the more you are revealing about your marriage the more we can see that your relationship is all round abusive.
why didn’t you feel able to join in with your family? What tactics did he use to stop you?
I know it is really scary to get out of a relationship like this- I have been there.

Another one saying contact Women's Aid @namechanged052023 , they are amazing and will gently support you while you take the steps you need to take at your own pace. I think it's important that you have experienced help, from what you've said.

As PPs have said, you can do this. I know it's a scary prospect but you've already taken the first step by talking to us and there's always someone here if you've got a question or are having a wobble.

Well, he didn’t say we couldn’t go. He said we could. But I didn’t feel that we could go because he has had a falling out with them last week, and I know from past experience if we had have gone he would be making sly digs or pointed comments at them, especially because he’s been a bit grumpy this week. I didn’t want to inflict that on everyone and deal with the stress of it, worrying what he would say etc. I just ended up saying I d prefer to stay home.

@namechanged052023 why didn’t you see you family anyway, but on your own. He is isolating you from your support networks. Can you see that?

That's something I'm really worried about actually and one of the reasons I started seeing a counsellor. When I look back, my social circle has gotten smaller and smaller. He tells me people don't like me quite a lot. Even friends I'd had for years.

Then let this be the straw that breaks the camels back.

It is about control, and it's part of a bigger picture. If you have told him explicitly that there is a sexual act that you are not willing to participate in, he begins to perform the act, you ask him to stop yet he does not stop and carries on, that is not your fault.

You do not have to lie back and endure anything sexually that you are unwilling to, ever, for anyone. This is a patriarchal lie designed to keep men satisfied and women subjugated.

You feel that you can't talk to him about sex, yet you used to be able to. This is not a coincidence, his "touchiness" has been used to shut you down and shut you up.

I wish you well in getting free, into a more peaceful life OP.

Classic abuser tactic, making up stuff like your friends don't like you. What he means us he doesn't like them and wants to alienate you from them. The smaller social circle you have the better he thinks. And the less you see your family the better for him, and it's worth it to him him making it as difficult as possible for you

Isolate you from your family.

Create a falling out.

Tell you your friends don't like you, don't care, etc.

He is an abuser.

Couldn't be clearer.

Ask for help.

“Does everyone in a relationship not end up doing things with their partner sometimes that they're not too fussed about, for their partner? “

I think a huge majority probably do. Just from reading mn. I’m glad I don’t date in this day and age. Men don’t seem very respectful at all.

What did he fall out with your family about?

I bet they'd be over the moon if you told them you were leaving him.

Another thread where the more an OP posts, the clearer the abuse of the husband becomes. I’m so sorry, OP. I really hope you escape this controlling cunt.

You've made a huge step forwards even in writing this thread, OP, and I think that now you're seeing that this isn't OK.

Can you open up to your counsellor about all of this? It would be another positive step forwards, no matter how hard to get the words out to start with.

I'm going to. Someone upthread mentioned writing it down, and I think that was a really good idea and I will do that. Or I might text her beforehand and ask her to ask me about it. If she prompts me on it I think it would help me.

My ex used to tell me my friends didn’t like me and that they had told him so. He used to say no other would put up with someone as horrible as me.
When I asked my friends about it of course they denied ever having had any sort of conversation with him. He would then say they wouldn’t admit it to me. Truth is they didn’t like him but didn’t tell me until after we’d split.
He disliked pretty much all my friends . He tolerated my family until the scales fell from their eyes and they saw what he was really like. Then he hated them.
Abusers do that- they isolate you and gaslight you - it causes disempowerment and an inability to see what is really happening to you.
@namechanged052023 you know what he is doing is wrong- it feels wrong. Start to try and open your eyes- because you see it you can’t under it.