AIBU to feel weird over this with DH?

[namechanged052023]

I’m feeling a bit weird about something that happened with me and DH and I’m not sure how to move on from it or get over it. Sorry if it’s a bit TMI.

We were on our last night of our holiday and DH wanted to do oral on me. I don’t like it so I will usually say no. He dropped a couple of hints about doing it then asked me outright if I wanted it a couple of times but I said no but then he did it anyway. I can’t remember exactly how it happened, if I eventually said yes or not?

I let him do it for a bit but then it was really going through me so I asked him to stop, I asked him if he wanted to have sex instead, he kept going and I had to kind of squirm out of the way/push him so he would eventually stop.

We had an early transfer the next morning and it was late, I just wanted to go to sleep so we just did hand stuff, he kept trying to stretch it out but I just wanted it to be over with, I didn’t tell him not to touch me but I just laid there wishing he would finish.

It’s been a few days now and it keeps randomly popping into my mind and making me feel a bit sick. I don’t know if it was okay or not, or if I’m just over reacting? I feel like I’m confused because most of the time he’s really respectful in bed, although we have had some occasions like this when we were earlier in our relationship. AIBU to be feeling weird about this?

You start with 'I need to discuss the other night when you went down me and I said no....' and go from there.

If it helps first write down an outline of what points you want/need to go over. How it's made feel, the fact that it is sexual assault and don't soften that point at all. Use other examples of when you've not given consent or where he has gored ypur boundaries, That if it continues what it means for your relationship, how trust and personal security/esteem has been affected.

Be firm, to the point and hammer it home. You don't need to be aggressive or punishing but factual.

Ask him not react or interrupt until you've said what you need to. Explain that it's taken alot for you to dig deep and approach this but for your sake you must.

And go from there. His reaction will tell you exactly what ypu need to know and how to proceed.

Good luck and well fucking done for even getting this far x

OP, I have always found that if something has happened that I don't feel comfortable to bring up with the person concerned, that it's much easier to write them a letter. You asked how you should bring it up with him, and I think from what you've said, that the minute you start, he will interrupt and try to shut you down. So, I would write him a letter saying that you want to talk about what happened, and then you have full uninterrupted space to say what you want, without him interrupting you, as he has to read it, to know what you're going to say. Hope that makes sense?

Maybe give him the letter just as he's leaving for work, or if you're going out on your own, give it to him just as you're leaving, and say 'I'd like you to read this while I'm gone, and then we can discuss it later'. If he asks what it is, just say 'read it, and you'll see'. However, don't give it to him just as you're going to take a bath or something like that, as you don't want to be feel or be in a vulnerable situation, when he comes to discuss it with you, in case he should get angry. Obviously I don't know how he might react, so do take this into account.

Again, if you don't feel comfortable saying the initial words out loud to your Counsellor, write it down, and give it to them as you enter the room. Just say, I hope you don't mind, but I need to talk about something I find embarrassing, so have written it down to make it easier to get started. You'll find that it really can be a way of dealing with difficult subjects, and getting your voice heard without interruption. Hope this helps.

@Isthisasillyquestion I am going to quote you, not to say that you are a terrible person but that you misunderstand the law around assault.

Performing a sex act on someone without their consent is assault. It also breaks down trust in a relationship - healthy relationships are built on discussion and consent not force and coercion. When you say you and your partner like to explore sexually that is because you’ve both consented to it - if what you are getting at is you like to be dominated you have safety systems around that (I hope).

Furthermore the OP has said she doesn’t like oral. Not liking an aspect of sex does not in anyway equate to not being sexually open, it’s just a sexual preference.

Asking the OP if she is prudish when she’s experienced assault from her husband is incredibly unkind and victim blaming.

I hope your relationship is as healthy and trusting as you say, although I’m slightly concerned as to whether you would know if it wasn’t. But either way, the advice you are offering is very ill thought through.

If it would be easier for you, write a letter. Take your time until you have your words 'just right'. Express how upset you were that he did what HE wanted to do even though you have told him more than once that you don't enjoy it. That when he didn't listen to your 'no' you felt violated. Tell him that it must NEVER happen again.

Hand it to him and say "Please read this, then we can talk".

It doesn't sound as if you were 'not too fussed on' receiving oral sex, it sounds like you really don't like it.

That's not on, thats never ok.

Theres stuff DP and I do that isn't my favourite, the difference is I know it really gets him going and that fact alone turns it from 'not my favourite thing' to 'I like this'.

There are things I like more... but thats ok, I don't hate it, it doesn't give me the ick but I wouldn't do it if it wasn't for the fact he enjoys it and that gives me pleasure. I also know for a fact that if he suggested it and I said no (and he rarely does, its me that offers) he would not be annoyed or stroppy or rude or unpleasant or anything, we'd just do something else.

So no, its really not a thing that 'everyone does stuff they're not into' - people only do stuff they're not into if someone forces them to do that, and there are a variety of ways people do that, its not necessarily violent!

She said no. Therefore it's sexual assault. No one gives a shit what you want your husband get up to in bed and just because you're fine with it, doesn't mean op has to be.

The question is do you want to be with someone who thinks it's ok to do things to you sexually when you said no? And didn't stop when you asked him to stop?

This man puts his own feelings and desires above yours to a point where he's fine with you feeling unhappy/violated as long as he gets what he wants.

You don't feel like you can talk to him about this or like you can say no when you don't want to do stuff with him. This is not a good man . You should feel sexually safe and able to address issues with a partner. No one should ever feel they can use your body as they feel fit or make you feel guilty for saying no.

Because it wasn't about that was it? It was about exerting his control.

This.

@Isthisasillyquestion she's not sexually closed of to him, she's sexually closed off to certain acts.
And that is absolutely fine and normal.
It's also something that her husband should understand and respect, not force himself on her with a complete disregard to her feelings.

I’m not sure if it was about exerting control as such, moreso he just wanted to do it so he did and thought I would/should like it

But even so, it's still about exerting control. He thought you should like it therefore he has a 'right' to do it. That's still controlling, he still thinks he has rights over body, do you see? And what right has he to decide what you 'should' or should not like? No right at all!

If he 'thought' you should enjoy anal, or even Brussell Sprouts, would that justify him putting his penis in your bum or shoving a spoonful of sprouts in your mouth, simply because he thinks you should like it. If he punched you in the nose, would a valid excuse be "But I thought you'd like it"?

My husband thinks I should like a lot of things that I don't (including Brussels sprouts and backpacking). But never in a million years would he ever force me to eat or do something I didn't like. Especially in bed. A loving sexual relationship is based on mutual consent and a mutual respect for one's partners likes and dislikes. And one's own likes NEVER trump one's partner's dislikes.

There's nothing wrong with asking, but once someone has expressed a dislike for something, it should never be asked again, and certainly not forced on one.

....he still thinks he has rights over YOUR body,.......

Are you ok?
he sexually assaulted her.

I usually do agree with how quick people are on this site to vilify the DH eg - he got angry once and now he’s abusive.

But what this man has done is stomach churning. He wouldn’t stop, yuck. So so gross and illegal.

What’s wrong with you? I truly hope no one is hurting you like this and you’re normalising it but if they are, it’s honestly just not ok.

Oh my goodness - it definitely was about that.

I'm so sick of everything with him and I feel like this needs to be my final straw. I'm so, so tired of living my life on his demands all the time. I feel like I'm nothing and don't matter to him, it's all just him and what he wants.

I've been cooped up inside all day because of him while all my family are having a big barbecue tonight in this lovely weather, I could cry. I just wish he would disappear.

He sexually assaulted you.

Sounds awful. Look into how you can make plans to leave. You only have one life, OP. Go and live it. Good luck.

Doing something you aren't that fussed about because you want to give them pleasure is completely different from saying no and someone doing it anyways.

One is consensual and one isn't.

It sounds like from your last post there are other major issues that are at play. Be open and hoenst with your counsellor and if you are at the point where you wish he would disappear, it is time to leave.

He won't disappear, but you can. Just make your plan, talk to your family and/or friends if you need help, and get the hell out of Dodge.

Is there a particular reason you feel you can't leave him? If you feel comfortable telling it, remember there are a lot of posters here who have left bad relationships for many different reasons using many different strategies. It may be that someone here will give you that one piece of advice that gets you to freedom.

I’m scared. I don’t like change, and I don’t know how he would be if we split up. He’s said in the past that he would try and make things as hard as possible for me - trash the house etc so I couldn’t live in it. He can be very spiteful sometimes and I almost wouldn’t put anything past him. I’ve also never been alone and don’t have a very well paid job, I don’t know if I would be able to pay all the bills in a place on my own.

Please contact Women’s Aid. They’ll help you with keeping safe and getting set up on your own.

The more you tell us about your relationship, the more clear it is that you are in an abusive one.

Please, please, please for your sake and well being start thinking about what you should be doing long term.

There's no harm gathering information, finding out what you're entitled to and knowing your rights. As a pp has said woman's aid is brilliant starting point. Check out the entitlement calculators for universal credit. If you can open with to a close friend or family member. Get all your documents and put them in a safe place. Statements for any accounts and record everything you can think of. Anything ypu look up, do it on your phone or personal device he can't access and use incognito.

If its like this, I wouldn't even speak to him about the other night. Just distance yourself and for your safety get away. This is only start, statistically the abuse will escalate.

I'm sorry if I seem dramatic but I've seen it happen.