AIBU to feel weird over this with DH?

[namechanged052023]

I’m feeling a bit weird about something that happened with me and DH and I’m not sure how to move on from it or get over it. Sorry if it’s a bit TMI.

We were on our last night of our holiday and DH wanted to do oral on me. I don’t like it so I will usually say no. He dropped a couple of hints about doing it then asked me outright if I wanted it a couple of times but I said no but then he did it anyway. I can’t remember exactly how it happened, if I eventually said yes or not?

I let him do it for a bit but then it was really going through me so I asked him to stop, I asked him if he wanted to have sex instead, he kept going and I had to kind of squirm out of the way/push him so he would eventually stop.

We had an early transfer the next morning and it was late, I just wanted to go to sleep so we just did hand stuff, he kept trying to stretch it out but I just wanted it to be over with, I didn’t tell him not to touch me but I just laid there wishing he would finish.

It’s been a few days now and it keeps randomly popping into my mind and making me feel a bit sick. I don’t know if it was okay or not, or if I’m just over reacting? I feel like I’m confused because most of the time he’s really respectful in bed, although we have had some occasions like this when we were earlier in our relationship. AIBU to be feeling weird about this?

"He sexually assaulted the OP and trying to dress that as her not being adventurous enough or prudish because she doesn’t like that act is shameful on your part"

This 100%.

@Isthisasillyquestion are you actually fucking serious?

This is 100% not alright. Especially, if you're nor sure whether you've agreed or not.

We all have different preferences, not liking something or finding it awkward to discuss doesn't automatically make you a prude. Such awful language to use about yourself. Don't allow him to make you feel like that or anyone for that matter.

He needs to be made aware that this wasn't alright and you're not willing to participate in something you don't like. Be firm with your boundaries. And if he tries to talk you into it or tries to convince you, you may end up enjoying it. That is abusive, coercive and manipulation. I personally would be leaving. I wouldn't be able to be intimate again with him. It would ruin the whole experience and I be too in my own head to enjoy or relax into it

What @YetMoreNewBeginnings said.

There are no circumstances where sexual assault is understandable or excusable. None.

I'm sorry, OP.

I am a heavy sleeper and at the time this happened, i was also heavily medicated. My (thankfully now ex) H would grope me whilst I was sleeping and then if that didn't wake me up, would then proceed to have sex with me. He started off by trying to get me to do things I didn't want to do and then doing them anyway.

Luckily for me, he had to have a radical prostatectomy which put paid to penetrative sex and in time, the groping etc got less too.

I got help from Women's Aid after we split, I didn't really realise that any of that was wrong. I was raised Catholic and to 'do whatever it takes' to stay married.

Please think carefully about why you are with this man. Its OK to leave.

No, I don’t and never have done. I was told decades ago by an older woman that it was easier to just let your husband have sex with you rather than argue about it - and I can still remember thinking, not a chance.

It took me so much by surprise, I didn't know what to do. When we first got together, he would pressure me a lot to do different things I didn't want to, or would sometimes guilt trip me or just keep asking or bugging me until I relented and said yes. I've been better about having better boundaries though, and nothing like that has happened for a few years now. I definitely said no multiple times, there could have been no confusion from him, he asked me outright if I wanted it and I literally said no thank you. I think when he was moving towards me I even said no don't.

I feel so confused about what to do next, he's very kind and loving normally and one minute I'm acting fine and it's all been very normal but then I keep remembering trying to get away, how desperate I was for it to stop. But he's my husband and I love him and I don't want to leave him, but also if it was my friend or sister saying all this, I'd be appauled and thinking they should LTB. I'm so upset.

This happened to me OP and I should have left. Men like this don't really truly see you as having ownership of your own body. He's a pig.
I know you say you love him but we don't sexually assault people that we love.
I think you have the option of telling him or writing him a text(if you find it hard to vocalise), but I think it is hugely likely he will do this again.
Life is too short OP

Sorry I should say *I should have left the first time.
I wasted another 7 months with him and while he was contrite for a couple of months it soon started up again

Does everyone in a relationship not end up doing things with their partner sometimes that they're not too fussed about, for their partner?
Something I'm indifferent to but consent to for him? I'm sure there is.

Something I've told him don't like, told him no, asked him to stop and then had to physically escape from? No. No, op, that's not usual.

If you can't talk to him op, tell him to read this thread.

@namechanged052023

First, what he did was wrong and you would be within your rights to pack up and leave. I probably would but that decision is yours. I would encourage you, however, to stop and think about how the two of you deal with everyday life. Him disregarding your 'no' in bed can't be just a 'one off', chances are he disregards your views in other things, too. Do you often capitulate and just go with what he wants because it's easier than trying to get him to listen to you or because he'd just do what he wanted so you just save your breath? Does he make unilateral decisions rather than try to work out out a compromise? How often do you get to make decisions?

Second, you need to talk to your counselor. If you don't want to get into 'specifics' then what you need to talk about is 'autonomy' in general and your right to set your own boundaries, sexual and otherwise. If you see that he does seem to disregard your feelings/wishes in other areas, that IS something you can speak to your counselor about without being 'embarrassed'. Although I want to make it clear that you don't need to be embarrassed to speak to your counselor about what happened. Trust me, your counselor has heard far worse! But learning that we have the right to autonomy (body and otherwise) is something you need to learn for life in general not just your dealings with your DH. So many of us, especially women, are conditioned to be more concerned about other people's feelings instead of our own. That we are 'selfish' if we say no. It's a hard lesson to 'unlearn'.

This can be a real turning point for you. Don't miss the opportunity.

No, don't do this. This is your 'safe place' to speak about things you can't/won't in everyday life.

Plus, having a man read a bunch of women telling you that what he did was basically sexual assault usually never goes well. If he won't listen to you, why on earth would he listen to a bunch of random women?

Absolutely do not do that.

He won’t listen - he’ll just consider MN a place full of hysterical harpies.

He’ll go in about privacy and then hit with the hurt of not talking to him but talking to strangers.

He’ll also then likely do the “I need to see your phone/laptop to be sure you’re not posting about me again” guilt trip going forward

It’ll absolutely be used against the OP if she shows him.

This was non consensual oral sex. You should tell him going forward giving you oral sex is off the menu. Tell him he upset you.

From the opposite direction, I thought that all men enjoyed have O done on them until DH told me that he definitely didn't like it. He said it was 'too much'. Maybe OP's partner thought all women want it?

Does everyone in a relationship not end up doing things with their partner sometimes that they're not too fussed about, for their partner?

No.

She told him, very clearly, that she didn’t.

Read what you have written here, it’s an abusive relationship.

He doesn't respect you. That would be a deal-breaker for me. Respect, and respecting your boundaries, especially when it comes to sex are vital in a healthy relationship.

You are allowed to end your relationship. For whatever reason you want. Nobody need know the reason, if that makes you feel better. But you have every right to end this relationship over this. Know that.

She said "No". He did it anyway.

She said "stop". He didn't stop.

This is sexual assault. How dare you make out that OP is being prudish or that she is wrong to feel weird about the fact that her husband abused her.

Go have a word with yourself.

What he did was wrong, op. If you can, I'd talk to your therapist about this. If you are seeing them because of other issues with your h, that suggests the relationship isn't perfect. Perhaps this fits in with other issues and the therapist will be able to help you talk about it? From your other post, your h has form for sexual coercion.

I wish you all the best. 💐

Yes, exactly. I should have made it clear I totally think the man's behaviour was abusive.

This sounds REALLY bad OP.
It's so hard for people who don't understand a dynamic to comment and give helpful advice but this sounds like serious assault and a removal of your bodily autonomy which is beyond any betrayal a spouse should inflict on you.

Take some time to process this.
Speak to your husband if you can because misunderstandings happen but this kind of misunderstanding cannot go unchecked.

I hope you're OK OP. There's a lot of support out there for people in your position should you choose to want to work through this or not.

You're not being unreasonable. If you said no then it's nonconsentual, even if he is your husband. I might do/ try something in bed if my husband asked even if it wasnt really my thing, but that would be with very clear contsent from me and on the understanding that if i said stop it would immediately stop. Agreeing to try something is not the same as your parter doing something to you when you have said both no and stop. This should be the person you trust most and keeps you safe. I understand this is a really horrible position to be in and you love your husband but if you are going to stay with him you really truly need to discuss this and he needs to understand his actions. I would 100% talk to your therapist first, she might be able to help you work through how to have that conversation and maintain your boundaries? I know it's tough to bring up but she is a professional, it's her job and she will not judge you. X