AIBU to feel weird over this with DH?

[namechanged052023]

I’m feeling a bit weird about something that happened with me and DH and I’m not sure how to move on from it or get over it. Sorry if it’s a bit TMI.

We were on our last night of our holiday and DH wanted to do oral on me. I don’t like it so I will usually say no. He dropped a couple of hints about doing it then asked me outright if I wanted it a couple of times but I said no but then he did it anyway. I can’t remember exactly how it happened, if I eventually said yes or not?

I let him do it for a bit but then it was really going through me so I asked him to stop, I asked him if he wanted to have sex instead, he kept going and I had to kind of squirm out of the way/push him so he would eventually stop.

We had an early transfer the next morning and it was late, I just wanted to go to sleep so we just did hand stuff, he kept trying to stretch it out but I just wanted it to be over with, I didn’t tell him not to touch me but I just laid there wishing he would finish.

It’s been a few days now and it keeps randomly popping into my mind and making me feel a bit sick. I don’t know if it was okay or not, or if I’m just over reacting? I feel like I’m confused because most of the time he’s really respectful in bed, although we have had some occasions like this when we were earlier in our relationship. AIBU to be feeling weird about this?

This with bells on. It opens too many doors for further abuse.

As a pp has said please speak to your therapist. There is no shame in doing so and you may find it helps you start taking control of yourself back. It can be such a powerful tool.

As for doing things that I didn't want to do sexually....I use to when I was younger. The need to be liked, to not be that girl who doesn't know how to have fun, to look experienced, to just shut them up, to make it stop and get it over with...(sorry if that sounds over dramatic) left me feeling much like you are. I didn't know what I liked or wanted at one point, I just went with it and even though I was saying yes, I didn't actually mean yes. It was more of an alright then...because I 'consented' I was confused, didn't know how to feel about it and ultimately felt empty after. There was no after glow or sexual high. I ended up with a seriously bad reputation even though I hadn't been with many men. I ended up being the girl who was an easy lay and the one they sought for whatever they wanted.

It took me a long time to gain my confidence and say no. I don't like that, I don't want that and stick to it. Meeting my H changed all that. He was the first person who was genuinely interested in what I liked and wanted. He was gentle and kind when speaking to me about it. And, at times when I didnt want to speak about it. He would leave it be. He has never once pressured me into anything and has always respected boundaries. He let me lead what was happening and how we interacted sexually. And, some of the things i didnt like previously I love now. And, are a go to for me. But, that's because he helped me gain that inner confidence and never ever pushed. He let me explore and discover at my own pace. If anything, now it's me who's the sex pest.

Yea sorry but you absolutely are a terrible person for telling a woman who repeatedly told her husband no and had to physically move away from him to get him to stop a sex act that she didn't want to do that she's a prude and not sexually open enough. That literally does just make you a shit human being, even if you dress it up with faux concern.

He was told no

End of.

OP,

You have long had issues with consent with him.

He's touchy when you rightly challenge him on the lack of consent and th coercive nature of him putting pressure on you.

He uses his "touchy" response to silence you.

I am very sorry, but this is not a good man.

If you don't have children already, do not have them with him.

Ring Women's aid for advice.

You have been repeatedly sexually assaulted and your obvious discomfort is your gut warning you.

My dh has full respect for me but my violent ex dh tried to do something similar and wouldn't take no for an answer. He pushed me even though I had told him no. I gave him a smack in the mouth. He got the message. Yes, I'm a bit of a psycho it is a medical confirmed fact.

Absolutely. What a shit thing to say. It doesn't matter at all why OP doesn't like it. She doesn't, and he knows it. She told him again, repeatedly. He didn't care.

That's the issue.

The saddest part for me is that you dont feel able to sit him down and show your feelings. If you're angry you should feel able to tell a good partner. What do you think would happen if you said to him "what the fuck was that all about? I said No and you kept going. I'm sad, I'm hurt, upset and confused and I dont see you the same way."

You dont need to have the answers to speak your voice to him. His reaction might guide your feelings.

People dont just stay with abusers because they are scared. Sometimes they stay because they love their partner and want a healthy relationship from someone who cant give that. SORRY x

I think the OP should be thinking what she would be thinking and doing if the man who had persisted with this sex act when she had said “No” we’re a new man or an ONS; She would or should be horrified and, if she could bring herself to, reporting the incident to the police. In this case, the fact that she is married to the man makes it worse, not excusable. As a PP pointed out, her DH should be the person who understands her the most in the world and makes her feel the most comfortable, not one who forces her into unwanted sex acts.
OP, I realise that it is a big step to take but you must get commitment that he never again tramples over your boundaries like this and there will be no further chances if he does and, if you’re not convinced by him, LTB. You say you love him but can you believe he loves you if he behaves like this?

Horrendous reply.
This is rape culture at work.

I mean sometimes I’m not in the mood but my DH is so I’ll just ‘do him’. I do sometimes then get in the mood and join in! However, my DH would never ever do something like this. He hates the thought of me not enjoying something and can always tell if I’m not in the mood!
Was your DH drunk? Not saying that’s ok but might explain it more. You need a chat because it’s totally not ok.

Yeah but not too fussed isn't the same as disliking and stating you don't like it, and him doing it anyway.

He gets really touchy if he thinks I'm accusing him of something.

Fuck him. He deserves to feel like shit for coercing you into partaking in a sexual act you neither want nor enjoy. If he feels "touchy" it's because he knows he has crossed a line.

@namechanged052023

"Does everyone in a relationship not end up doing things with their partner sometimes that they're not too fussed about, for their partner?*"
*
No. Absolutely not. Nor would my partner disrespect me by expecting me to do so. I wouldn't ask or want it of him either.
You said no to your partner. He ignored you. That makes it non consensual. The fact that he is in a relationship with you doesn't mitigate the fact that it was sexual assault and I'd give serious consideration to whether this is a relationship you want to be in.

I'm so sorry this happened to you, especially with someone you trusted.

What a bastard. I don’t like oral sex and my husband started asking if he could go down on me. I said no I don’t like it. He kept asking until I said to him, if you are going to ask to go down on me when I’ve made it clear that I don’t like it and don’t want you too, what does that say about you? He hasn’t asked since. Shouldn’t have had to say it in the first place after the first no. Thankfully he hasn’t gone as far as assaulting me. I’d leave op which I know is easier said than done but your husband is abusing you.

There is a big difference between agreeing to do something you’re not fussed about for the fact that you know the other person enjoys it and you’re happy to go along with it vs you actively disliking something, saying you don’t want to do it, and the other person doing it anyway.

@Dotcheck i know this might be hard for you to understand, but for lots of adults, sex is an important part of an intimate or partner relationship. So when the sex is bad / frightening / distressing and they don’t trust their partner, it affects their feelings about everything and they want to leave.

Most people don’t like being sexually assaulted. Sorry if that comes as a shock to you, I know it’s might not be what you are used to if you only know about sex or relationships from watching porn .

I don't know if I can talk to him about it. He gets really touchy if he thinks I'm accusing him of something. I don't want to upset him.

He has you well trained. So much so that he can sexually assault you with no repurcussions.

I totally understand that. My fiance raped me and I didn't feel able to raise it with him until we were divorcing 30 years later.

It is all intentional behaviour on their part.

Please@namechanged052023 speak to Women's Aid or Rape Crisis for help in how to move forward with this. They won't make you leave him if you're not ready or don't want to but they will help you process what he has done

What? You wouldn’t? No? She’s expressed she doesn’t like it? So yes really! He went and done as he pleased and helped himself he knew full well she didn’t like it regardless I would never do anything to my oh that he didn’t like or made him feel uncomfortable it is sexual abuse!!!

He is an abuser. You are in an abusive relationship. It will not improve, he will not change. Please consider your safety. I would advise telling your therapist as an inital step.

Yes, really. Fucking hell!!

@GrinAndVomit I agree that this was a disgusting post. I have reported it and I think it would be helpful if others did, too.

If I talk to him about this, what would I even say? How would I bring it up?

You tell him how it made you feel about him and why, calmly.
You also tell him that what he did will never happen again, nor any other sexual acts that you don't want or that will be the end of your relationship.
I've been married for over forty years and I can honestly say that my DH has never, ever tried to coerce me into a sex act that he knows I dislike, not has he ever got a cob on when I've said I'm not in the mood.
That is a decent man, which unfortunately the same can't be said for yours.
No means no!
You've had some good advice on this thread, please follow it.
Never, ever put a man's sexual wants above your own.