Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask why women do this?

103 replies

Purplesilkpyjamas · 31/05/2023 22:16

I belong to a group of friends that are married. Three of them really dislike their husbands and offload about them at every opportunity. They don't divorce them even though they could as children have left home. I sort of understand that but don't understand why they go on holiday with them.

OP posts:
FerretFarm · 31/05/2023 22:17

Everyone has problems or frustrations. I don't think it means they need to split up.

Puzzledanddissatisfied · 31/05/2023 22:18

Maybe the opportunity to offload is what keeps them from splitting up.

Iom92 · 31/05/2023 22:18

I think if they’ve decided to stay with them for the sake of the children, why wouldn’t they have family holidays together? I suppose they’re trying to give their children a ‘normal’ family life?

Original poster
Purplesilkpyjamas · 31/05/2023 22:18

These women really, really dislike their husbands.

OP posts:
barmycatmum · 31/05/2023 22:19

I don’t know. Men do this too. I’ve always vowed I will not be married to someone who complains about me, and I won’t complain about him. People shouldn’t be treated like they’re some kind of prison - life is way too short for that shit!

Original poster
Purplesilkpyjamas · 31/05/2023 22:19

The children have all left home so it is just the two of them.

OP posts:
barmycatmum · 31/05/2023 22:20

Purplesilkpyjamas · 31/05/2023 22:18

These women really, really dislike their husbands.

Either they’re addicted to strife and stress, or they feel trapped and can’t make a change … who knows.

sometimes I think people are scared of being actually happy

Bananazebra · 31/05/2023 22:22

My immediate thought is because they're better off financially?
Maybe they couldn't afford these holidays if they were divorced?

Navalcaptain · 31/05/2023 22:22

I’ve noticed the same thing with people who moan incessantly about their job but make no attempt to find an alternative. I couldn’t be doing with all that nonsense. If you’re not happy with something in in your life and can do something about then just do it! YANBU

ODFOx · 31/05/2023 22:22

Meh,
Perhaps the sex is amazing; perhaps they are exaggerating for effect; perhaps the upheaval of separation and divorce is more overwhelming than maintaining the disappointing status quo.

TeaKitten · 31/05/2023 22:23

Have you asked them why they stay?

INeedAnotherName · 31/05/2023 22:23

Maybe they just need to vent. Maybe they can't leave.

Simple answer though. Ask them, they are supposedly your friends.

Begonne · 31/05/2023 22:25

I have some older relatives like this, and when I’m around them long enough I really feel the pressure to bitch about dh to feel part of the group. I think it’s how they bond.

AttilaThePun · 31/05/2023 22:26

When my h and I separated I was shocked at how many women said they wished they were brave enough to do the same.
I think in many cases women have brought up children and have ended up feeling trapped with no way out - no real means to be independent, and living with a tolerable level of unhappiness, and the idea of shaking the perceived stability up is terrifying.

Dovetail40 · 31/05/2023 22:26

Ask your friends.

If your husband is soooo bad why u still with xxxxx?

And wait fir answer.

Please report back.

Original poster
Purplesilkpyjamas · 31/05/2023 22:27

I would not ask as it seems a bit nosey but it is odd.

OP posts:
drpet49 · 31/05/2023 22:28

Purplesilkpyjamas · 31/05/2023 22:19

The children have all left home so it is just the two of them.

Money, they know if they leave will have to start again. Pathetic really as they’d rather stay in a crap marriage.

Original poster
Purplesilkpyjamas · 31/05/2023 22:30

Dovetail40 · 31/05/2023 22:26

Ask your friends.

If your husband is soooo bad why u still with xxxxx?

And wait fir answer.

Please report back.

I have asked about why they don't divorce. They said hassle of divorce. They have money but would be less if single.

OP posts:
HateMyselfToo · 31/05/2023 22:30

Trapped.
Fucked up career by having children so inadequate pension and don't want to live in poverty as an OAP.

Original poster
Purplesilkpyjamas · 31/05/2023 22:33

HateMyselfToo · 31/05/2023 22:30

Trapped.
Fucked up career by having children so inadequate pension and don't want to live in poverty as an OAP.

Does not apply in these cases. Good job and pension and lots of savings. Mortgage paid off. This is why I cannot understand as they are not trapped.

OP posts:
BarelyLiterate · 31/05/2023 22:34

Financial security. Rightly or wrongly, many middle aged women are financially dependent on their husbands to support their lifestyle.
Fear of being alone.
The social status of being a married woman & having those two rings on your finger, rather than being a ‘spinster’ or, worse in some eyes, a ‘divorcee’.

Or perhaps they are actually reasonably happily married, but just take the opportunity to let off a bit of steam?

Ihaveshitfriends · 31/05/2023 22:38

I personally think money is a good reason to stay in a tolerable marriage. Being poor is fucking awful trust me. And if you thinking but but but then try living in poverty for awhile it soon gets rid of idealism.

Zwicky · 31/05/2023 22:41

I have a friend who waited for her parents to die. It took YEARS

On balance lots of people will put up with lots of shit to avoid the upheaval and financial loss of divorce. Affairs, abuse, betrayal are great catalysts. Growing apart not so much.

Sigmama · 31/05/2023 22:42

Why does anyone do anything that's bad for them, at some point they gain something from it

TeaYarn · 31/05/2023 22:47

They have no identity left other than being a wife so they stick it out.

Pretty disrespectful to their husbands. I wonder how many of them would still be married if they were brave enough to say it to his face?

Swipe left for the next trending thread