Page 2 | To ask why women do this?

Purplesilkpyjamas · 2023-05-31T21:16:28+00:00

I belong to a group of friends that are married. Three of them really dislike their husbands and offload about them at every opportunity. They don't divorce them even though they could as children have left home. I sort of understand that but don't understand why they go on holiday with them.

Thepeopleversuswork · 31/05/2023 22:50

Because of the financial security and comfort of being married.
Because they are scared of being alone.
They can’t face the upheaval of starting again.
Judgement of friends and relatives.
Fear of upsetting their children.
And social stigma against single women.

Personally I couldn’t think of anything worse than a loveless marriage and would leave but a lot of people are terrified of being single.

Bonelly · 31/05/2023 22:53

Fear of loneliness, poverty etc. done good moments to that outweigh starting again even if spouse is annoying

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 31/05/2023 22:54

I made a promise to myself years ago that I will never spend time / be friends with miserable people like this.
I have no interest in relationship and I have zero patience to listen other people relationship dramas or misery, or about their kids.
Boring, miserable guts people are horrible.
And they just bring their misery along with them.
Find new people, with actual lives, op.

Original poster

Purplesilkpyjamas · 31/05/2023 23:02

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 31/05/2023 22:54

I made a promise to myself years ago that I will never spend time / be friends with miserable people like this.
I have no interest in relationship and I have zero patience to listen other people relationship dramas or misery, or about their kids.
Boring, miserable guts people are horrible.
And they just bring their misery along with them.
Find new people, with actual lives, op.

Good idea. I won't be listening to any more moaning about husbands as they do have a choice and I find someone offloading but not being prepared to make changes very selfish.

OP posts:

bonzaitree · 31/05/2023 23:11

I think some people just like to moan about something! If it’s not husband it’s the job. If not the job it’s the kids.

jdjshsbwhusushshehwh · 31/05/2023 23:21

Begonne · 31/05/2023 22:25

I have some older relatives like this, and when I’m around them long enough I really feel the pressure to bitch about dh to feel part of the group. I think it’s how they bond.

same. I have a few women with crap husbands and I moan about mine to them too. I can hardly say "oh mine cooks for me every night and does more cleaning than I do" I wouldn't very accepted in the group of I did.

Larner · 31/05/2023 23:29

It could just be a bad habit of moaning that the group has fallen into. Perhaps they need to explore other ways to find common ground.

Or maybe they do all have shit marriages but are taking the path of least resistance.

MovinGroovinBarbie · 31/05/2023 23:30

Either they’re addicted to strife and stress, or they feel trapped and can’t make a change … who knows.

Or husband earns big £££.

Mari9999 · 31/05/2023 23:42

OP, I think it is for the same reason that women continue to have children with a partner while claiming that they have been miserably unhappy for multiple years. You will read a post where they are complaining that there is no " "intimacy " or "affection" again while saying that youhave been miserable for the past 15 years. Who is looking for intimacy or affection with someone who makes you miserable? Who expects intimacy or affection from a partner who says explicitly that they no longer love you? Sadly, I think that some women and far fewer men think that marriage creates an obligation to love you forever regardless of how unhappy the other partner maybe.

I think that they stay because they are afraid to manage their lives on their own. They will tolerate misery In exchange for security or just to maintain the familiar.

Often they will say "but I still love him". I would guess that in reality they haven't thought for years about whether they still love this person or not. They have thought about the responsibility of having to become financially independent, possibly relocate, fear of living alone, etc and what they love is the status quo as opposed to the person.

Navalcaptain · 31/05/2023 23:49

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 31/05/2023 22:54

I made a promise to myself years ago that I will never spend time / be friends with miserable people like this.
I have no interest in relationship and I have zero patience to listen other people relationship dramas or misery, or about their kids.
Boring, miserable guts people are horrible.
And they just bring their misery along with them.
Find new people, with actual lives, op.

Me too! Life is way too short for other people’s BS and drama especially when they can seemingly do something about it!

Waferbiscuit · 31/05/2023 23:49

I think it's normal for people to have a moan but.... there's an awful lot of codependency around and a lot of women who just can't seem to cope if not in a couple. Genuinely wouldn't know how to do single.

But as with so many things - follow the money. Women put up with a lot for an easier life and financial ease. Depressing but true.

ThisWormHasTurned · 31/05/2023 23:57

You say mortgages paid off but would a 50/50 split (assuming they were entitled) plus the cost of solicitors fees be enough to buy somewhere new?
I moaned about my H for years..but I honestly didn’t realise how awful it was. Boiling frog and all that. Came to a head eventually but it’s scary to take the leap. I’d been with mine 15 years. I’d also been conditioned to believe I couldn’t manage without him. Now I’m far happier without him but I am very tight financially and could only afford a home with my Dad’s help (I’m in my 40s, he’s in his 70s). It’s not as simple as LTB a lot of the time.

Teenagehorrorbag · 01/06/2023 00:05

Are you sure they really hate them? Is it more 'banter' - such as moaning about how DH never does this or that, or is wearing the dressing gown of doom? I mean - many of us love to diss our husbands in a humorous sort of way (even though it's based on fact, lol) - but it doesn't mean we don't love them or we want to split up? But it should be balanced with nice comments and happy stuff as well.

Although I think some people find that odd and are more on the 'love my wonderful hubby don't I babe' narrative - so might take the mickey taking approach too seriously? Each to their own.

Although if it's not that and they really don't get on then I agree it's weird and they must be staying for reasons of security, or fear of change? It's also a bit off to slag their partners off behind their back if they won't discuss it to their face (unless the H's really are awful and deserve the comments).

Nowt so queer as folk.......

SueVineer · 01/06/2023 00:11

Ihaveshitfriends · 31/05/2023 22:38

I personally think money is a good reason to stay in a tolerable marriage. Being poor is fucking awful trust me. And if you thinking but but but then try living in poverty for awhile it soon gets rid of idealism.

Disagree. I’ve been a single mom on benefits and id rather that than live with someone I hate.

SueVineer · 01/06/2023 00:13

Teenagehorrorbag · 01/06/2023 00:05

Are you sure they really hate them? Is it more 'banter' - such as moaning about how DH never does this or that, or is wearing the dressing gown of doom? I mean - many of us love to diss our husbands in a humorous sort of way (even though it's based on fact, lol) - but it doesn't mean we don't love them or we want to split up? But it should be balanced with nice comments and happy stuff as well.

Although I think some people find that odd and are more on the 'love my wonderful hubby don't I babe' narrative - so might take the mickey taking approach too seriously? Each to their own.

Although if it's not that and they really don't get on then I agree it's weird and they must be staying for reasons of security, or fear of change? It's also a bit off to slag their partners off behind their back if they won't discuss it to their face (unless the H's really are awful and deserve the comments).

Nowt so queer as folk.......

I agree that having a vent/moan is one thing but actually hating your partner is another. I have a relative who seems to actively hate her husband to the point where it’s abuse. It’s awful.

AliceMcK · 01/06/2023 00:30

I know 4 women in similar situations

1 Companionship- She was alone for a long time, never thought she’d ever find love and have children, she has them now and will put up with a lot to keep her life.

2 Children and if she’s leaves/divorces him she will end up paying him as she earns way more than him and paid for most of everything they own.

3 Habit and set in her ways. Been with her DH since they were kids so dosnt think she’d could ever be alone or with someone else.

4 Feels to old to start again and that she’s wasted the best part of 30years if she leaves him, also another one whose earnt all the money while he’s sat on his arse but he could take half of all of it if they split up.

Mari9999 · 01/06/2023 01:02

@Ihaveshitfriends
Your approach sounds a bit like using him for convenience. Nothing particularly admirable about that. No amount of dressing it up makes it anything other than using a man for his money.

Women are encouraged to leave men who cheat, but we think nothing of encouraging women to stay and use a man for financial convenience. Nothing admirable about either of those actions.

Polkadottyas · 01/06/2023 04:20

ThisWormHasTurned · 31/05/2023 23:57

You say mortgages paid off but would a 50/50 split (assuming they were entitled) plus the cost of solicitors fees be enough to buy somewhere new?
I moaned about my H for years..but I honestly didn’t realise how awful it was. Boiling frog and all that. Came to a head eventually but it’s scary to take the leap. I’d been with mine 15 years. I’d also been conditioned to believe I couldn’t manage without him. Now I’m far happier without him but I am very tight financially and could only afford a home with my Dad’s help (I’m in my 40s, he’s in his 70s). It’s not as simple as LTB a lot of the time.

I agree. It's a big big leap. I've not made it because I'm scared

Dovetail40 · 01/06/2023 06:17

Purplesilkpyjamas · 31/05/2023 22:33

Does not apply in these cases. Good job and pension and lots of savings. Mortgage paid off. This is why I cannot understand as they are not trapped.

Show quote history

It does apply.
You may think they have lots of money. However if someone has to reduce their assets by 50% regardless of how much they have they can't accept this.

Their lifestyles and expenditure match theor current income.
Many could not cope with the change.
If they are in an abusive relationship then they should really leave as money not worth it. But if the relationship not abusive then it is up to them.

MrsSkylerWhite · 01/06/2023 06:19

Do they? I don’t. I’m a woman.

MintJulia · 01/06/2023 06:55

Scared of change
Scared of being alone
Unwilling to give up the jointly owned house
Financially unable to survive alone and unwilling to go on benefits
Too worn down and cowed to make their escape

But I don't really get it either. We have one life. Why waste it in the company of someone who makes you unhappy? I have two friends in this situation. One is feverishly putting money aside so she can leave with her dds. The other is stressed to the max dealing with a nasty, financially abusive husband who wrecks everything she tries to do, and could leave but doesn't.

All you can do is listen, support and be there to pick up the pieces when it does finally implode.

musixa · 01/06/2023 06:59

MovinGroovinBarbie · 31/05/2023 23:30

Either they’re addicted to strife and stress, or they feel trapped and can’t make a change … who knows.

Or husband earns big £££.

Or the woman earns big £££ and doesn't want her husband sloping off with half of her savings, house and pension.

MintJulia · 01/06/2023 07:03

I have done it. I left when ds was 2, for his sake and for my sanity.

But I still had my house deposit from singledom stowed in a savings account. Ex had tried to manipulate me into buying half of his horrible house rather than both selling up and buying somewhere we both liked, together. It was his undoing in the end, and made it easier for me to walk away although it was still tight for the childcare years.

It isn't easy

CoffeeCantata · 01/06/2023 07:55

I had this with an acquaintance who monopolized the conversation at weekly group meet-ups with her moaning about her marriage. She was very rich but had been a SAHM from her marriage. At first we were all sympathetic and made supportive suggestions...but she's still with him 20 years later. She's moved away now and I don't see her any more, but clearly she decided to remain with him, put up with his boringness and enjoy the lifestyle.

Just to be clear - her moans were never about abuse - just that he was dull and she didn't fancy him any more. Fine to have a moan and share with friends but no-one else could get a word in on these occasions and I resented that - and it was all a bit pointless.

Beezknees · 01/06/2023 07:57

Ihaveshitfriends · 31/05/2023 22:38

I personally think money is a good reason to stay in a tolerable marriage. Being poor is fucking awful trust me. And if you thinking but but but then try living in poverty for awhile it soon gets rid of idealism.

I don't. And I am poor, with no savings and hardly any pension.