To ask why women do this?

[Purplesilkpyjamas]

I belong to a group of friends that are married. Three of them really dislike their husbands and offload about them at every opportunity. They don't divorce them even though they could as children have left home. I sort of understand that but don't understand why they go on holiday with them.

As much as they may dislike them, they married them.
probably just need to blow off steam and rant
they took vows so that counts for something
surely you don’t just stay with someone you dislike 100% of the time. I suspect they have good times but focus mostly on the bad.

Some people just like to moan regardless of what they have. I don’t think it’s a woman thing.

I moan about my husband to friends (not excessively I hope) but I moan about everything else to him so it seems a bit churlish to moan about him to him too.

Love threads like this where women speak the truth that many wouldn't admit to.

As pp have said, lots of women use men for convenience but the opposite will get the man called all sorts of names.

Bar abuse and genuine fear of leaving - not what some claim, many women sleep with a man they despise but because of so many reasons already mentioned here, they'd rather moan about it because it's socially acceptable to despise a man while still married to him for your own benefit.

OP, I'd let your friends know that you're not one of the women who accept this behaviour from other women. If they are truly miserable and can do something about it, they should or keep it to themselves. It's pathetic, otherwise.

There's a lot of very unhappy married people out there.

Maybe they just need a vent.

None of us can really tell you. Could be any number of reasons including:

1. Finances (yes they may have good pensions and financial independence but it doesn’t mean they would be able to afford the same lifestyle alone or supporting their adult children as they’d like)
2. Not actually disliking their husbands but having a moan
3. Disliking some aspects of their husbands’ behaviour (the bits they moan to you about)
4. Being at a stage in life where starting again alone feels too daunting
5. Not wanting to upset their children and disrupt family life
6. Wanting to work at the relationship

Honestly, relationships aren’t black and white and emotions aren’t static - having been with my husband a long time, I’ve found that they go through good patches and bad. I’ve definitely had days where I’d say I dislike him. But I’m glad we’ve stuck together through the bad patches.

There’s loads of reasons women (and men) do this.

They just like moaning. And it’s seems socially acceptable to consistently moan about your partner

They like to portray the martyr. So they moan and moan, but actually they quite like set up and they enjoy portraying the hard done by person in the relationship

They aren’t happy. But not unhappy enough to actually do something

They have go stuck in a cycle of being miserable and genuinely can’t see how miserable they are

While they moan, they don’t share the good bit. Again, enjoying the attention of ‘oh that’s awful. You have it worse’

They feel trapped and the alternative is too scary

They prefer to miserable but in a familiar situation

They are miserable but like the lifestyle it affords

They have been low level miserable for years, but not enough to improve their situation so they can leave in a better position

They like the perceived status that comes with the relationship.

I think it’s likely to be one or a mix of the above.

I have a friend that does this, and her husband is friends with mine. Separately they moan about each other a lot; she calls him 'The arsehole' and is absolutely scathing about him, but when we're in a group and they're together, they get along quite well - smile at each other, hold hands etc. Hard to figure them out.

It isn’t just women. FIL vehemently dislikes his DP, tells us he wants to leave all of the time when she isn’t around yet never does. We think he just can’t be bothered being single in his 60s personally, has an easy life right now so cba rocking the boat. We dislike her too so it makes things awkward, she isn’t a very nice person.

Unless he's actually abusive, they're probably marginally happier in an unhappy marriage than they would be if they were alone....sad but true.

I’ve a friend who isn’t happy in their marriage, but can’t afford to divorce as no way could both afford somewhere else to live anywhere near current place which need for job etc. So they tolerate the general unhappiness and griping

opps pressed send too soon!

and I’ve told them I’ll not listen to constant moaning about it, but will listen / support if they do vitally want to do something about it

So you’ve asked your friends a question even you acknowledge is ‘nosy’, they’ve replied with apparent frankness, but their self-stated reasons are not good enough for you, so you’re asking the internet? And generalising your friendship group as ‘women’ in general? Are you honestly so unimaginative that you can’t grasp why some people stay in an unhappy relationship?

I'll own up, I sound like your friends.
The reason I stay is financial and for my daughter. I would be pretty much in poverty if I was a single parent. The reason I go on holiday is to try and keep some semblance of a normal life and hopefully create some fun memories for her. And things aren't bad all the time. Day to day it can actually be fine. Shallow? Maybe.

Everyone needs someone to rant to and let off steam too. It sounds like your friendship group is therapeutic to these women.
I'm sure it can be tiresome to have to listen to though, and annoying.

I learnt a while ago not to do this to my friends as they have a low tolerance for it, and some of them are single and just say change the locks etc - has that ever worked for anyone? So I stick to Mumsnet 🙈

This.

Well men do it too - lots of people don’t like their partners but don’t split up, for many reasons.

i Moan away to some people about life/dh/kids but it’s just crap I’m thinking of at that moment- it means nothing- all are my absolute everything!! It could just be griping and you’re reading into it

I moan about my DS all the time cos he is impossible to live with, but it doesn't mean i don't love him or want him in my life. I'm sure it's much the same. And marriages go through bad patches and those patches can go on for years, when kids leave home is said to be a particular tricky time, am not there yet myself. If you spend your life with a person of course you will have problems and need to turn to friends for support or just a moan during those times. I would never immediately think someone should consider getting divorced because they complain about someone, it seems like you've made a massive leap OP.

I was widowed quite young so maybe before we got to the bit where we were fed up with each other. Being single is really hard financially, being a single parent is even harder. Just the other week a colleague and I had to explain to another why we could not save easily. Strangely being solely responsible for the mortgage, childcare, bills (which since the COL crisis have more than doubled), holidays and then all the other stuff is far harder on one income. Then on top of that there is the emotional load as one person dealing with the day-to-day stuff and a lot of people just are not comfortable being single. Lots of people have never really been alone in their adult lives for any length of time and many people are fearful of being in that situation. Most of my friends have moved from longish term relationships when younger, then settled down (many with whoever they met at uni). Those who have separated/divorced have quickly used OLD which is fine, but there seems to be some consensus that you need to be in a relationship.

Me too- am not ashamed to say I know I am settling and I know DP and I arest loves young dream. But we rub along. And it could be worse.

Who has a perfect marriage? Who doesn't need to vent shit to their friends? I actually think this is healthy.

I've been with my DH for 22 years, and I moan like fuck about him, but I love him unconditionally and I thought that was a word you could only use with 'blood' relatives at one point.

Yes, I know it isn't unconditional, but it is as close as.

He's a pain in the arse, and I love to moan about him any chance I get, but I can't see myself leaving him in this life. We are all different.

If you asked him, you'd probably get the same response about me.

Maybe they don't actually dislike their husbands or their lives, they just enjoy venting and once they have feel better about both.

Some people are perfectly happy with "their problems"

They are content to live out their lives in mutual loathing.
More about than you might think.