To ask why women do this?

[Purplesilkpyjamas]

I belong to a group of friends that are married. Three of them really dislike their husbands and offload about them at every opportunity. They don't divorce them even though they could as children have left home. I sort of understand that but don't understand why they go on holiday with them.

The answer someone close to me gives is the children would never forgive me and I don't want to share my assets.

@Mari9999 @SueVineer agree that if hatred or resentment have manifested then the relationship is probably beyond hope but if the relationship is tolerable for example they have habits that irritate you then to me it’s preferable to living in poverty.

Read the OP. The children have moved out.

OP I have noticed this too, I also wonder why they don't just leave....I would!

At the point where your earning power is at its absolute lowest? Would you really?

Don't forget, if the kids are gone you won't even get maintenance. Once things are split it'll be you, in a bedsit or a one bedroom flat if you're lucky, with nowhere for your adult kids to visit you, nowhere to host birthdays, Xmas etc, living off whatever you can personally earn, until you die.

This. It’s pretty clear that many posters on Mumsnet have no idea what being poor is like, especially for women who are no longer young and have little chance of building a career or pension. there was a woman on the radio like this, except her husband or life partner had fucked off with all the money leaving her struggling on a state pension. She lost her friendship group as she simply could not afford to socialize with them anymore.

But anyway, if you say these women have money, and you may not know as much about their financial state as you think, they are either happier than you think or they have decided they like the extra financial material benefits more than a divorce.

That will be my future. I rent and earn £24k and I have a 15yo, in three years my UC and maintenance will stop. I'd still rather that than a miserable marriage. Material things are just that to me, material things.

I think some people just like to moan about shit, it can turn into a bit of a competition sometimes.

I have friends who feel like this. They stay because they're not unhappy enough with their overall lives to leave. They may dislike their husbands, but he is just one aspect of their lives, possibly even fairly peripheral, and their happiness comes from other things; material comfort, friends, adult children, holidays, jobs etc, with him being little more than an irritation to ignore and avoid.
Leaving a marriage after many years is complex and traumatic, involving the loss of much of what you've spent the best years of your life building, home, security, social networks and causes far reaching upset and typically less comfortable circumstances.
If they've no wish to find another man, or have come to believe one man is generally as bad as another, there can seem little point in going through the upheaval.

Some people just like moaning and many people are very averse to change. People stay in relationships and jobs they hate because they don't want the hassle, risk and upheaval.

I don’t think this is true. I think most women in less than ideal relationships have taken a cold, clear look at what matters most to them, and conducted a realistic appraisal of how far they get that if they stay and how far they get that if they leave. They are not scared of change. It’s just that they know exactly what change will mean and they have decided that suits them less well than staying.

Change management consultants love banging on about how people don’t like change but I don’t think this holds up to an examination of human history, society or behaviour. As a species we are one of the most change embracing, adaptable species that there are. If we weren’t Britain would still be a nation of white people eating stew with bread every day. But we aren’t because people are prepared to emigrate when that change suits them better than staying and we have a diverse cuisine from nations across the world as we changed our diet and palate by trying these new cuisines.

What people don’t like are changes they don’t understand the reason for, that are imposed on them or that they think won’t serve them better than the status quo. But yeah, we absolutely make changes we think will serve us. The human race has become one of the most successful on the planet because of this trait.

As someone who stayed too long in a marriage, it’s the boiled frog and also sunk costs fallacy.

For every woman who does eventually leave there’s a period where you are debating is it bad enough. This can last years.

When you're older, I think a relationship has to be pretty dreadful before being single is actually preferable.

Friend is in a deeply miserable marriage of her own convenience. If they were to split, he takes half the property. She won’t have that so on it trundles

My mam is like this. I think for her it's a societal expectation around divorce. Even though its obviously really acceptable now. I think for her age and background it's still a bit of a thing that would be gossiped about. Plus it's normal to her and her expectations for relationships are low.

This is a second marriage in 50s and third long term relationship. She books stuff for her to do with friends whilst he’s left indoors. I know she despises him but she basically married a house and she’s not chancing a bed sit etc. Luckily for her he’s thick as shit and doesn’t challenge the behaviour whereas I think someone with more gumption would give her a run for her money. She’s pissing all over him but is clinging on tight for that house.

People rush into marriage far too quickly in a relationship these days.

After a certain point your partner is your family. You accept and tolerate as much as you would from your siblings/ parents.

Relationships with anybody can get difficult at times- just because life is short it doesn't mean you haven't got to put any hard work in. Having somebody to rely on when things get really tough makes makes it worthwhile.

(Obvs, if there's abuse it's a different story.)

Are they called John and Mary and do they live in Craggy Island?

s

Fear of change, fear of being alone, 'better the devil you know'. It is sad, but not uncommon, I think.

I can't understand why women do it. If they genuinely can't stand their hubby for any reason that he's boring etc. then get rid of him! Divorce him!

I've got women coming to me constantly moaning about him indoors, as if I'm a counsellor! I tell them I'm not a marriage counsellor and won't interfere with their marriage at all. They huff and puff and pout but I don't want to hear it! I just tell them ''if you're that unhappy then get off your bum and do something about it, as bad mouthing him and moaning about him won't get you anywhere''.

I'm very lucky that I've got a brilliant hubby, we're very happily married, we don't slag each other off, we don't row and argue, and I know for sure that a lot of women who moan to me about their failing boring marriages are just jealous of me and mine.

Because life as a single wo.an when you are older an be really tough. I'm in my 60s and I can't live with men. I have been married. I didn'tike or have any respect for my husband. I really love my life now but people see me as a "spinster" I no longer get invited to married couples events. I'm viewed with suspicion by other married women. I left my old home town in the south east for a much more casual and open place, zgladtonbury where nobody cares if you are single or not and you can wear what you want and do what you want without being excluded.⁸
I have a good career but if I had t life would have been very difficult. I can see why people stay with spouses they despise.

The worst is when they corner you at a party and completely ruin your night.

Avoid!

The women at work do this!! ‘Oh I can’t wait for him to go back to work’ (when they work away or in the army) and other shot constantly like when I ask if he’s going away with them or out for the day when they talk about trips they pull a face like ugh yeah. And I’m like I don’t get it!
i love mine being around, but now I’m thinking maybe I’m in the minority?!

Because divorce is a massive hassle and they don't dislike their situation enough for that. If they are reasonably well off, still working and can do their own thing in the evenings then it's pretty easy to co-exist. Especially if neither party is that bothered about affairs etc. It probably helps their social standing to stay married.