Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it OK to exclude his son from his hobby?

125 replies

DNo · 31/05/2023 20:09

My husband is a keen golfer and is naturally gifted at it but has played seldomly since we had children (3 kids 16f, 14m, 10m). He works very hard, 6 days a week, I also work full time and take on all of the home admin but that is not the issue here, just giving background.

2 years ago a few friends from work started playing after work on a Saturday, including him. I loved that he was getting back into a hobby he loves, is good at, and is a healthy thing to do. It is now a regular thing, they go out once or twice a month and this weekend they had a night in a hotel with 2 days golfing.

I have asked him several times to take our sports mad 14 year old son out and he has a million excuses not to. He does do all the football running around alongside me on Sundays for both our boys. I've never mentioned it in front of our son but I know he would absolutely love it and it would also mean my husband would be able to do more of what he enjoys too.

It really disappoints me that he won't share his hobby that he loves but then I think maybe he's allowed to have this thing for himself only? Am I being selfish asking him to introduce our son to his hobby?

I'd really appreciate any insights mumsnetters may have please. Thank you.

OP posts:
PuttingDownRoots · 31/05/2023 20:17

DH shares a hobby with our DDs (home based rather than our and about). He also does competitions of the same hobby, where he is very low ranked, but it is definitely his time (its one day day every 2-3 months).

I think its OK for BOTH parents to have something that is just for them.

If you think your son would enjoy why not see if he can to some lessons. He will be able to play with father as an adult then.

Original poster
DNo · 31/05/2023 20:20

PuttingDownRoots · 31/05/2023 20:17

DH shares a hobby with our DDs (home based rather than our and about). He also does competitions of the same hobby, where he is very low ranked, but it is definitely his time (its one day day every 2-3 months).

I think its OK for BOTH parents to have something that is just for them.

If you think your son would enjoy why not see if he can to some lessons. He will be able to play with father as an adult then.

This is the thing, I've offered this as this was one of the excuses - "he can't go on a course until he's a certain standard..." But when I mentioned lessons he just said they were a waste of money so I asked him to teach him. Firm no. He has however gone out with colleagues who were complete beginners so it doesn't make sense...

OP posts:
ThatsNotGoodMelon · 31/05/2023 20:28

I think it's absolutely fine for each of you to have some adult time/hobbies to yourselves.

ArsMamatoria · 31/05/2023 20:31

DNo · 31/05/2023 20:20

This is the thing, I've offered this as this was one of the excuses - "he can't go on a course until he's a certain standard..." But when I mentioned lessons he just said they were a waste of money so I asked him to teach him. Firm no. He has however gone out with colleagues who were complete beginners so it doesn't make sense...

Show quote history

Do you think it's a pride thing? That he's (possibly unconsciously) worried that his son will be better than him?

SeeingSpots · 31/05/2023 20:33

He obviously wants to keep the hobby as something he does without the kids. I absolutely don't blame him as the minute he takes his son then the whole tone of the activity changes. Why the insistance that he takes your son. He's spent the best part of 14 years not playing a sport he loves, now your kids are older let him enjoy it on peace.

Brocolibee · 31/05/2023 20:35

He's not being unreasonable at all, it's important to have hobbies and sports for yourself.

JackSheepskin · 31/05/2023 20:36

I actually think it’s really sad that he has one thing for himself and you really do want to take it. He does all the football stuff - why is it so important to you to make sure he doesn’t have any time without children? If you resent it because you don’t, then make time for yourself rather than take it from him.

wouldthatbeworse · 31/05/2023 20:38

Is he definitely playing golf when he says he is?

CoreyTaylorsSoggyTshirt · 31/05/2023 20:38

My life is pretty full on too.

I have hobbies I share with the kids.

Sometimes,when fate allows, I will take myself off for the day and do the hobby alone. I need that time and space just to be me sometimes.

Haywirecity · 31/05/2023 20:38

He has a social life around it. He probably can see having to take his son away, as well. He doesn't want to have to watch everything he says. And also he might be conscious that his friends don't want a child hanging around all the time either.
He works hard, he gave up golf for his family, I don't blame him for wanting some space that is just about him and his identity as a person and not a dad.

MargaretThursday · 31/05/2023 20:39

Turn it round: You're playing a sport with a few colleagues. Nice and relaxed and everyone enjoys it.
Suddenly one of your colleague turns up with his son in tow. Would you be pleased? Not many people would, because it would change the dynamics of the group.

CalistoNoSolo · 31/05/2023 20:39

Just leave him alone fgs. It's not compulsory or advisory to spend all leisure time with your children.

NuffSaidSam · 31/05/2023 20:40

YABU.

Let him have something for himself. There a million other sports your sport-mad son can do.

If I've read it correctly it isn't even the 14 year old who's asking, it's you? Let him ask his dad directly if he's that desperate, but doesn't sound like he is!

nahwhale · 31/05/2023 20:40

Is he definitely playing golf?

nahwhale · 31/05/2023 20:41

Do you get any time on your own to do a hobby?

Perfect28 · 31/05/2023 20:42

Yabu to skip over the fact that you both work full time and you do everything at home.

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/05/2023 20:42

I think it's sad because this is the kind of thing which means you actually see your kids past 18. Especially fathers who often have nothing to do with them or talk to them about (and yours works 6 days a week).

But it is his choice.

Blueskysunflower · 31/05/2023 20:44

I do a hobby that is theoretically child friendly that I don’t involve my children in. Bluntly, it’s nice to have something that is just mine and that doesn’t wind up being all about them, their abilities/friends/availability/lessons etc and where I am not know as “X’s Mum”. If they expressed serious and persistent interest I would let them join in but I’m certainly not going to encourage them to be involved. I think your DH is perfectly reasonable not to take a teen with him, it completely changes the dynamic of an otherwise adult activity. Leave the man alone.

HighlandCowbag · 31/05/2023 20:48

I have horses, very much my thing, but ds has always been interested enough to want to be involved, and sometimes has no choice but to come to the yard.

I love it when he is in an interested faze, but equally love going alone. If dh only does it very occasionally then I can understand why he doesn't want to always drag ds along, especially if sunday is taken up with football stuff.

Is there an evening session in the week they could do together instead of ds going along to his mates golfing stuff?

NeverDropYourMooncup · 31/05/2023 20:48

I used to do a sport two evenings a week when my DDs were younger. After the first couple of months, it was decided that I should have the children with me and for it to become their thing that I merely facilitated. Probably because that would mean I was constantly under observation, rather than being able to relax, exercise, talk to other humans and be Mooncup, rather than Mummy or 'Your mother'.

He's not keen on the idea, maybe for similar reasons.

Original poster
DNo · 31/05/2023 20:53

Just reading very quickly, thank you for your responses. I just wanted to point out I'm not asking him to take our son on his golf days, I'm pushing him to do more.

Going back to read the other responses...

OP posts:
Original poster
DNo · 31/05/2023 20:56

JackSheepskin · 31/05/2023 20:36

I actually think it’s really sad that he has one thing for himself and you really do want to take it. He does all the football stuff - why is it so important to you to make sure he doesn’t have any time without children? If you resent it because you don’t, then make time for yourself rather than take it from him.

He would be with the children if he wasn't there anyway, this way he would be with only one and doing an activity he loves.

OP posts:
Original poster
DNo · 31/05/2023 20:56

nahwhale · 31/05/2023 20:40

Is he definitely playing golf?

Oh dear me.

OP posts:
Original poster
DNo · 31/05/2023 20:58

Perfect28 · 31/05/2023 20:42

Yabu to skip over the fact that you both work full time and you do everything at home.

He works 65 hours in a manual job, I do 37 and work from home. Where's the issue?

OP posts:
Callyem · 31/05/2023 20:58

Golf is his escapism. Nothing wrong with that.