Is it OK to exclude his son from his hobby?

[DNo]

My husband is a keen golfer and is naturally gifted at it but has played seldomly since we had children (3 kids 16f, 14m, 10m). He works very hard, 6 days a week, I also work full time and take on all of the home admin but that is not the issue here, just giving background.

2 years ago a few friends from work started playing after work on a Saturday, including him. I loved that he was getting back into a hobby he loves, is good at, and is a healthy thing to do. It is now a regular thing, they go out once or twice a month and this weekend they had a night in a hotel with 2 days golfing.

I have asked him several times to take our sports mad 14 year old son out and he has a million excuses not to. He does do all the football running around alongside me on Sundays for both our boys. I've never mentioned it in front of our son but I know he would absolutely love it and it would also mean my husband would be able to do more of what he enjoys too.

It really disappoints me that he won't share his hobby that he loves but then I think maybe he's allowed to have this thing for himself only? Am I being selfish asking him to introduce our son to his hobby?

I'd really appreciate any insights mumsnetters may have please. Thank you.

The woman who enjoyed going to the stables with her dd couldn't!

What does that have to do with this?

You can't join a 14 year old with adults.
And doing a hobby with someone who is pretty useless drains the fun.
So no he can't.

He's allowed not to want to, you are allowed to think it's a shame, but as he's a good dad and does other things with the kids, he does get the final word on involving your son in his hobby. Especially as it is you asking, not your son.

Glad I wasn't the only one thinking this. Maybe DH is happy with his two days golf a month and just doesn't want to do more at the moment? He is allowed time at home too, surely?

Few issues with your post. Yes a 14 year old can join in with adults at golf. My DH was a 2 handicap at age 14 and better than 99% of adults. But in this case the child is a beginner so yes, the child could be a burden and affect dad's fun time and his mates that play with him. But that wont always be the case. And its not just sporting prowess, but having a child along does change the dynamic a bit, I get that.

But OP wants dad to take the son in addition to his regular game, sort him out with lessons and introduce him to the course, not impose on him and his mates. I also take issue with what OP mentioned dad said about lessons being a waste of time - they are absolutely not, assuming that DS actually wants to do it rather than being pressured into it.

The dad seems to be missing out on an opportunity to introduce the son in a hobby that they can share and enjoy for a lifetime, it is so sad to hear.

It's likely not that he doesn't want to "share" his hobby. But if he plays golf with other adult male friends, it's likely that a 14 year old would not really suit the dynamic. I'm sure your DH's friends would be unimpressed by a 14 year old tagging along. Would you be?

Yes, but thats not what OP wants anyway. She wants DH to take DS in addition to, and away from his usual games with friends. No one suggests DS join in with DHs regular game. I can't see what golf nut would object to here.

The dad seems to be missing out on an opportunity to introduce the son in a hobby that they can share and enjoy for a lifetime, it is so sad to hear.

Not all hobbies are for sharing. And that's fine, and not sad at all.

I mean, for crissakes, of all the things to be sad about, this isn't remotely one of them.

The OP "knows" that her son would love it. Well, actually, she doesn't. She's just decided that he would. Maybe her son would like to have some 121 kickaround practice with his dad, since he has an established love of football?

Well I agree with you that the son needs to want to do it. It can be done without huge expense, especially for a junior but its not the cheapest hobby either.

Yes, there are greater things to be sad about, but as someone who is married to someone who took the game up young and experienced the benefits, I do find it sad that this chap wont share these joys with his young son despite his own away time with his mates being completely unaffected.

Golf is his time. If he’s working those hours and pulling his weight at home, it’s fair that he has that. Instead of trying to push him to take your DS golfing, why not just ask him to spend some one-on-one time with your DS. If he wants to he could take him to a driving range or crazy golf but equally if he wants to spend the time watching sport on tv together or taking your DS with him in the car while he runs errands that’s fine too. Make it about the time not the golf.

Are the 16 and 10 year old showing interest?

is he worried about only taking one and the others feeling left out?

or that if he takes one the others will want to come and his bit of space from family becomes yours when he has to go with all three in tow?

THE MOST MUMSNET POST EVER!

He's obviously shagging a colleague!

How clean are his balls when he gets back?

I’ll get my coat …

Parents are allowed to have hobbies just for themselves. It's not sad, it's healthy.

Have you asked him why he won't even teach him given that he has beginner friends?

My advice is for you to do your research & see if there are golf lessons on a day that you also have time free to bring your son to the lessons.
Then approach your DH and say "DS wants to learn to play golf. I've asked you to bring him and teach him yourself and you've said no. DS wants to learn to play. I have found lessons in X club at Y time on Z day. Will you be bringing him to these lessons or will I? If I'm to do it, I need you to bring DD to her dancing/metal work/band practice on Mday instead of me. Your choice. You tell me know what you're going to do?"
Then do that.
You'll either have to switch a day when you're bringing your DD to one of her activities or your DH will start bringing his son to his golf lessons that you have organised.

Yes they are allowed. But I don't see how it spoils his fun by introducing his son at a separate time in addition to his regular spot. Saying that its my hobby for myself, and no one else is allowed because its my thing is just childish.

If he is so violently against it OP, see if you can take him yourself. Find a good PGA pro who does junior group lessons, ideally attached to a club with a well run junior section and see if he likes it. Maybe when he gets down to a single figure handicap and his dad is begging him to play in his clubs family foursomes knockout with him, he'll know to say "well dad, its your thing, I wouldn't want to be a burden"

Im going to have to preface with "I dont have kids but.."

I assume he has his hobby as it gives him some respite and escapism from work and family life which by your description sounds full on.

Mixing family life with escapism hobby sounds like hell on earth to me.

This!

Quite interested in what you do that you feel everyone can just give up hours at work for quality family time.

Ah, that's where I'm going wrong, thinking I need to work and, y'know, pay the mortgage when I could be heading to the beach with my kids.

Suddenly it's all clear. Thanks!

I wouldn't like to share a hobby with a kid. Adult time away from family is important.

I hate to say it but I did wonder. If everything is above board then could he agree to take him along sometimes (but not every time). I agree that everyone needs child free time but equally I was always happy to include mine if they showed an interest.

Their son hasn't shown an interest at all.

Not every parent who wants something for themselves is shagging about ffs.

Ha ok calm down 😁 I just had a half a second thought but I should have sought your permission first to voice it.

If he hasn’t shown any interest then I don’t understand why the OP even started this thread 🤷‍♀️