Is it OK to exclude his son from his hobby?

[DNo]

My husband is a keen golfer and is naturally gifted at it but has played seldomly since we had children (3 kids 16f, 14m, 10m). He works very hard, 6 days a week, I also work full time and take on all of the home admin but that is not the issue here, just giving background.

2 years ago a few friends from work started playing after work on a Saturday, including him. I loved that he was getting back into a hobby he loves, is good at, and is a healthy thing to do. It is now a regular thing, they go out once or twice a month and this weekend they had a night in a hotel with 2 days golfing.

I have asked him several times to take our sports mad 14 year old son out and he has a million excuses not to. He does do all the football running around alongside me on Sundays for both our boys. I've never mentioned it in front of our son but I know he would absolutely love it and it would also mean my husband would be able to do more of what he enjoys too.

It really disappoints me that he won't share his hobby that he loves but then I think maybe he's allowed to have this thing for himself only? Am I being selfish asking him to introduce our son to his hobby?

I'd really appreciate any insights mumsnetters may have please. Thank you.

I run. My DCs run. Sometimes we run together which involves compromise. Sometimes we run seperately. I certainly like the alone time of some runs and freedom to do it at my own pace. It's a flexible hobby that can easily accomodate changes of dynamic.

I can see why he would want to keep golf as his adult/ social escape time.

What a stupid thing to say 😂😂😂

I doubt he does it for fun!

I think it's fair that your DH wants something that's just for him.

Why not organise some lessons for DS yourself if you think he'd enjoy it? You don't need DH's permission.

If you think your son would enjoy playing golf then sign him up for lessons. They are not a waste of money. If your DH does not want to include his son that's fine but when your DH is older I hope he won't expect DS to spend time with him.

It's OK for him to have golf as his personal down time.
Also

• iit's an expensive hobby
• it would probably lead to his golf friends dropping him - having a child around woukd change the group dynmaics
• golf is for a specific number so it would throw his existing golf arrangements out.

Crucially what do you have going on just for you (time & cost wise?)

I completely agree.

I imagine the way he sees it is if he starts taking your DS and he enjoys it, your DS may want to start going with him when he's with his friends so it's easier not to start it...

I've already said this was never intended to impact his golf days out, this was only to encourage time with our son alone playing together.

This.

Stop trying to engineer everyone else's relationships and activities.

OP, I've been where you are and it's disappointing isn't it? However, you've mentioned it several times and now it's time to drop it. Your DH has made his own choice and you need to respect it. His relationship with DS will develop along its own lines and, hard as it is to accept, is not your business.

DH plays golf and takes dc1. They both enjoy it and it is a shared hobby. Dh also goes to the gym on his own that's his hobby. I think it's fine to have his own hobby with his own friends away from the family. I hill wall with one of my closest friends. I don't want any of my kids to share my hobby as it's my time as an adult to get away and recharge my batteries. We both however do lots of things with the kids like park trips, paddle boarding etc together

YABVU. He doesn’t want to share his hobby. Stop pressuring him.

If he’s had to make a million excuses you’re just harassing him.

I would find that a little odd, my DH has played golf since he was 7 because his dad introduced him to the game, he was a member of a couple of different courses and played with the juniors. Is there an active junior section at your DH golf club? One of our DS also plays golf, started about 9, stopped until 12 and then picked it up again, he really enjoyed playing golf with the juniors and visiting many courses within the county. He and his dad play together now he’s an adult. DS2 isn’t interested in golf at all. It’s quite an expensive hobby, but once they are kitted out it’s not too bad, junior membership of a club is very cheap. Has you DH taken your son to the driving range to see if it’s something that would interest him, then get him some lessons?

No one's being excluded from anything 🙄

A 14 year old presumably has the ability to talk to their parent, if they want something. You haven't spoken to your son so you may even be wrong that he has any interest. Maybe your son is interested in the things you're interested in and would like to come with you some time...

I've already said this was never intended to impact his golf days out, this was only to encourage time with our son alone playing together

But he's made it clear that he doesn't want to share his hobby with his son - and that's okay. That doesn't mean DS can't go and play golf on his own.

Parents are allowed to have things that are just theirs - not everything has to be shared with DC.

I may be wrong, but it does not appear that the DS has expressed any interest in playing golf.
I'm sure in 14 years, your DH has managed to bond with your DS over other activities - like his football.
I'm not sure when either your DH or DS would have time to fit in a round of golf anyway.
Stop making a fuss over something that no one else seems to want, and doesn't involve you.

Hi OP. YANBU.

I really thought that this would be a 'why won't he take his son along to play with his mates' question!!! As others have pointed out, you are asking him to take DS 'as well as' not 'instead of' his regular game.

My husband is a keen golfer and plays to quite a high standard, taking it up when he was knee high to a grass hopper. He says it has given him a wonderful life, competing, meeting a wide range of people, visiting all sorts of places and courses and teaching him patience and discipline (although i do dispute the patience bit!) It is a great sport for youngsters and he'll meet loads of friends doing it. There is a reasonably strict etiquette with golf that gets a bad press but its really centered around respecting your surroundings, the course and other players, its a great introduction to adult life. Its a real shame DH is avoiding this.

I can't understand why your DH isn't jumping at the opportunity. Additional golf with his regular game unaffected. He should think practise green and driving range, maybe even 9 holes while DS has lessons, and god forbid a pint in the clubhouse. All the dads my DH knows have gotten much better because they squeeze this in, in addition to their normal game.

Either he's being over-precious about 'his thing' or he just can't be arsed.

Funny. Compare the answers on this thread to the mum who liked to go the stables with her dd and was pilloried because she didn't spend time with the rest of her family.

Can’t you have both?? Wouldn’t any parent want both?! Dh plays football and obviously is not inviting ds to hang out with him and mates, but is over the moon ds is playing football. I kayak (well, I will get back into it) and am very excited to teach my kids. But I’ll still be able to say no darling mummy’s girlfriends (a bunch of whom kayak) are meeting up on the river and you’re not invited. It is a huge shame your son isn’t learning, and if he’s keen on learning I’d get him lessons since his dad won’t teach him. Really weird attitude tbh.

That's the point, though, you take your children to do your hobby together some of the time. OP's husband never does. It seems to me that he can perfectly well spend some time doing his hobby with his son, and some time without, as you do. Who knows, he might enjoy being with his son 1-1.

Well I agree with you op. My dh and I have 2 separate hobbies and have at various points included our eldest ds, who is 16, you really need to be at least 14 to do either hobby anyway. We mainly do our hobbies individually with our hobby friends but when I do have my ds with me I love it, it's brilliant bonding time with ds, he will chat about all sorts of stuff that I'm sure he wouldn't if we were just at home. Also my hobby particularly he is very naturally good at and I really enjoy seeing him progress and enjoy it, it is of massive benefit to him physically and mentally so why wouldn't I want him to do it?
I actually think you dh is missing out a bit on amazing quality time with his ds, and it won't be long until your ds is an adult anyway when surely it's nice to have shared hobbies and interests!

I see your point, OP. DD has a hobby which both our sons enjoyed doing with him as they grew up, and as adults they continue to share it. They've all of them derived a great deal of enjoyment from it, and DS1 is now happy taking his children when he does things connected with the hobby.

That's the point, though, you take your children to do your hobby together some of the time.

Why?

Why can't parents have something that's just for them?

The woman who enjoyed going to the stables with her dd couldn't!

But he takes the son to the hobby he does already, the hobby the son is interested in, and spends time doing that.

The son hasn't expressed any interest at all in golf. This is all pressure from the op.

If I wasn't a single parent, and if my kids never showed an interest in my hobby I would absolutely do it alone. As it is I have a space where I do it away from the space I go with the kids because its so important to me to have that place where I'm just me.