Page 5 | Is it OK to exclude his son from his hobby?

SparklyBlackKitten · 01/06/2023 13:32

he works 65 hours a week ... so when does he get ANY time to himself working that many hours 😑
and still you want HIM to take your son eventhough your son himself hasnt expressed he wants this, nor can you yourself be arsed to take him eventhough you seem the only person pushing this agenda...

TonTonMacoute · 01/06/2023 13:38

YABU

He doesn’t want to do it, leave him be.

Your DS has other sporting interest for now, maybe when he’s older things will change.

Opaque11 · 01/06/2023 13:42

Perfect28 · 31/05/2023 21:02

What's the issue? Why does he work such ridiculous hours when you have three children? Why does he get to do that and opt out of home life?

Were you not embarrassed by the first time the op set you straight? Op realises she's BU, so why are you trying to find fault with her marriage?

Original poster

DNo · 01/06/2023 13:44

Sorry, been at work.

Clearing a few things up, our son goes to the driving range with his friends often, he has his own clubs and watches The Open etc on TV. This is why I "know" he would love to go on a course.

My husband isn't being precious and protective about his days off, he would actively like to go to golf more after work when he finishes at 11 on Saturdays but to be honest I put my foot down and say he should come home to the children and me. If he took the 14 year old out, I'm sure the 10 year old would follow in a few years as he is very much alike too. This would give him more time on the course but also with his children. He spends time with our daughter in other ways too before anyone jumps on that as well...

I would never suggest our sons going with him and his friends. A men's day out is very different if a child attends.

I'm happy to let it go now but just find it weird.

Thanks for all the replies.

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Original poster

DNo · 01/06/2023 13:46

MasterBeth · 01/06/2023 12:27

THE MOST MUMSNET POST EVER!

He's obviously shagging a colleague!

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Did make me laugh. Everyone's snagging at some point on any mumsnet thread! 🤣

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Original poster

DNo · 01/06/2023 13:47

Shagging sorry.

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nidgey · 01/06/2023 13:59

I actually think it's win-win, and if your DH loves golf then some extra time doing it with your ds would be good IF your DH was willing. But he's not, so...

thenightsky · 01/06/2023 14:02

I had this when 8 year old DS was desperate and pleading to go with DH to karate (DH runs the club himself with another adult). His excuse... 'oh he'll just mess about'. So, I said I'd go and sit in the viewing area and any messing about would result in me taking him home straight away.

DS didn't mess about, loved it and here we are, 20 years later, with DS at international standard.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 01/06/2023 14:23

Sign your son up for golf lessons to see if he even likes it/has a flare for it first.

You DH doesn't want to take your DS to golf as it would completely change the dynamic. It would turn into DH having to teach/coach your son when all he wants to do is relax with friends and enjoy a round of golf.

I'm sure invitations for DH to go to golf would dry up pretty sharpish too if other adults had to put up with a teenager joining their own free time.

I had a friend who insisted on bringing her teenage daughter out when a group of us went for drinks. She was soon dropped from the invites... no one wants a teenager tagging along to adult based activities.

Original poster

DNo · 01/06/2023 14:26

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 01/06/2023 14:23

Sign your son up for golf lessons to see if he even likes it/has a flare for it first.

You DH doesn't want to take your DS to golf as it would completely change the dynamic. It would turn into DH having to teach/coach your son when all he wants to do is relax with friends and enjoy a round of golf.

I'm sure invitations for DH to go to golf would dry up pretty sharpish too if other adults had to put up with a teenager joining their own free time.

I had a friend who insisted on bringing her teenage daughter out when a group of us went for drinks. She was soon dropped from the invites... no one wants a teenager tagging along to adult based activities.

Have you read any of the previous replies.? Not once have I said he should take our son with his friends.

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SeeingSpots · 01/06/2023 14:30

DNo · 01/06/2023 14:26

Have you read any of the previous replies.? Not once have I said he should take our son with his friends.

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Given how little free time it sounds like he has then he wouldn't really have much choice though.

Everanewbie · 01/06/2023 14:40

@DNo what is his objection to this, given that you have promised that this would be 'as well as' not 'instead of'?

Is it a time thing? Or is it genuinely 'This is my thing so you can't do it'?

My only sympathy here for his POV is that he works so much that he won't be able to fit it in.

Northernparent68 · 01/06/2023 14:43

Sounds like you’re managing their relationship, why don’t you just leave them to it

Original poster

DNo · 01/06/2023 14:48

SeeingSpots · 01/06/2023 14:30

Given how little free time it sounds like he has then he wouldn't really have much choice though.

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He would go out on Saturdays like he wants to from 11-3.

He has worked long hours for years, this may sound a lot to many people but we are actually used to our lives being this busy. We relax every Saturday and Sunday evenings then straight back into it on Mondays.

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willWillSmithsmith · 01/06/2023 15:00

thenightsky · 01/06/2023 14:02

I had this when 8 year old DS was desperate and pleading to go with DH to karate (DH runs the club himself with another adult). His excuse... 'oh he'll just mess about'. So, I said I'd go and sit in the viewing area and any messing about would result in me taking him home straight away.

DS didn't mess about, loved it and here we are, 20 years later, with DS at international standard.

That’s lovely. I totally understand that parents want time to themselves (I’m a parent) but if you can enjoy a shared interest together then that seems a lot different than dragging a reluctant child to your hobby they have no interest in. Golf seems like something the son can just dip in and out of rather than deprive his dad totally of his ‘me’ time.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 01/06/2023 16:44

"Have you read any of the previous replies.? Not once have I said he should take our son with his friends."

So you're expecting your DH to give up the little free time he has with his friends playing golf, to take your son to play golf?

Freefall212 · 01/06/2023 16:58

What does he do now with the kids when off? Is he spending time with them.. You mentioned one of the kids is in football. If they are doing things together while he relaxes a little and recharges, that is fine.

Depsite some posts, parents and kids can have good relationships under a variety of circumstances - and the kids clearly can see their dad works long tiring hours.

Original poster

DNo · 01/06/2023 17:27

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 01/06/2023 16:44

"Have you read any of the previous replies.? Not once have I said he should take our son with his friends."

So you're expecting your DH to give up the little free time he has with his friends playing golf, to take your son to play golf?

No he would actually like to do more golf, I've suggested taking our son.

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bluegreygreen · 01/06/2023 17:27

He works long hours, and prioritises family outside work.

He gave up the hobby he loves (and is good at, though that doesn't really matte) for 12 years and is enjoying it again.

12 years is a long time to do work and family without anything to give you a break. I can see why he doesn't want anything to spoil his new head-space.

Original poster

DNo · 01/06/2023 17:29

Freefall212 · 01/06/2023 16:58

What does he do now with the kids when off? Is he spending time with them.. You mentioned one of the kids is in football. If they are doing things together while he relaxes a little and recharges, that is fine.

Depsite some posts, parents and kids can have good relationships under a variety of circumstances - and the kids clearly can see their dad works long tiring hours.

We all have very busy lives, its not a big deal to us but clearly we are not the norm.

Both boys have football teams. i take them to all teaining midweek and saturdays and we alternate who takes who but Sunday mornings both of us are generally doing that. He goes to the gym with our daughter on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

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Original poster

DNo · 01/06/2023 17:31

And our kids dearly love him, he is "the fun one", whereas I am the mum who screeches from the laptop in the dining room. 🤣

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Windblownwife · 01/06/2023 19:21

DNo · 31/05/2023 20:09

My husband is a keen golfer and is naturally gifted at it but has played seldomly since we had children (3 kids 16f, 14m, 10m). He works very hard, 6 days a week, I also work full time and take on all of the home admin but that is not the issue here, just giving background.

2 years ago a few friends from work started playing after work on a Saturday, including him. I loved that he was getting back into a hobby he loves, is good at, and is a healthy thing to do. It is now a regular thing, they go out once or twice a month and this weekend they had a night in a hotel with 2 days golfing.

I have asked him several times to take our sports mad 14 year old son out and he has a million excuses not to. He does do all the football running around alongside me on Sundays for both our boys. I've never mentioned it in front of our son but I know he would absolutely love it and it would also mean my husband would be able to do more of what he enjoys too.

It really disappoints me that he won't share his hobby that he loves but then I think maybe he's allowed to have this thing for himself only? Am I being selfish asking him to introduce our son to his hobby?

I'd really appreciate any insights mumsnetters may have please. Thank you.

Six or seven years ago, after many wonderful years dedicated to motherhood/wifehood, work and study, I rekindled my old passion and hobby and absolutely loved it, felt like myself again for the first time since I married. I really felt happy and good. Then, about a year later, my family - DH, DDs decided they wanted to take it up too, and I lost it. I mean, I still did it, we did it together, but it was no longer mine, I was no longer 'me'. I still feel the loss of it! Let him have his time

opinionssoughtplease · 01/06/2023 19:23

Six or seven years ago, after many wonderful years dedicated to motherhood/wifehood, work and study, I rekindled my old passion and hobby and absolutely loved it, felt like myself again for the first time since I married. I really felt happy and good. Then, about a year later, my family - DH, DDs decided they wanted to take it up too, and I lost it. I mean, I still did it, we did it together, but it was no longer mine, I was no longer 'me'. I still feel the loss of it! Let him have his time

Original poster

DNo · 01/06/2023 19:24

opinionssoughtplease · 01/06/2023 19:23

Six or seven years ago, after many wonderful years dedicated to motherhood/wifehood, work and study, I rekindled my old passion and hobby and absolutely loved it, felt like myself again for the first time since I married. I really felt happy and good. Then, about a year later, my family - DH, DDs decided they wanted to take it up too, and I lost it. I mean, I still did it, we did it together, but it was no longer mine, I was no longer 'me'. I still feel the loss of it! Let him have his time

Thank you for your viewpoint. It's clearly similar and helps me to understand. I hope you can still enjoy it. X

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opinionssoughtplease · 01/06/2023 19:28

opinionssoughtplease · 01/06/2023 19:23

Six or seven years ago, after many wonderful years dedicated to motherhood/wifehood, work and study, I rekindled my old passion and hobby and absolutely loved it, felt like myself again for the first time since I married. I really felt happy and good. Then, about a year later, my family - DH, DDs decided they wanted to take it up too, and I lost it. I mean, I still did it, we did it together, but it was no longer mine, I was no longer 'me'. I still feel the loss of it! Let him have his time

Sorry all, I got in a panic about accidentally quoting when I meant to just post, then ended up posting as well under my original username 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ I need to up my tech/MN skills!