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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it OK to exclude his son from his hobby?

125 replies

DNo · 31/05/2023 20:09

My husband is a keen golfer and is naturally gifted at it but has played seldomly since we had children (3 kids 16f, 14m, 10m). He works very hard, 6 days a week, I also work full time and take on all of the home admin but that is not the issue here, just giving background.

2 years ago a few friends from work started playing after work on a Saturday, including him. I loved that he was getting back into a hobby he loves, is good at, and is a healthy thing to do. It is now a regular thing, they go out once or twice a month and this weekend they had a night in a hotel with 2 days golfing.

I have asked him several times to take our sports mad 14 year old son out and he has a million excuses not to. He does do all the football running around alongside me on Sundays for both our boys. I've never mentioned it in front of our son but I know he would absolutely love it and it would also mean my husband would be able to do more of what he enjoys too.

It really disappoints me that he won't share his hobby that he loves but then I think maybe he's allowed to have this thing for himself only? Am I being selfish asking him to introduce our son to his hobby?

I'd really appreciate any insights mumsnetters may have please. Thank you.

OP posts:
CoreyTaylorsSoggyTshirt · 31/05/2023 20:59

DNo · 31/05/2023 20:56

He would be with the children if he wasn't there anyway, this way he would be with only one and doing an activity he loves.

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But the golf course is his space to be just him.

When I do my hobby alone I go somewhere I never take the kids when we do it together.

It's my space, my time, and my place to be me.

He doesn't want to take your ds, I don't know why you're so insistent about it, especially as it isn't being driven by ds.

nahwhale · 31/05/2023 21:00

You take him to play golf if it's that important to you

Original poster
DNo · 31/05/2023 21:01

CoreyTaylorsSoggyTshirt · 31/05/2023 20:59

But the golf course is his space to be just him.

When I do my hobby alone I go somewhere I never take the kids when we do it together.

It's my space, my time, and my place to be me.

He doesn't want to take your ds, I don't know why you're so insistent about it, especially as it isn't being driven by ds.

Show quote history

Thank you, this helps. I suppose I'm hoping as the kids get older that they want to spend time with us still and I'm seeing this as a shared thing maybe.

OP posts:
FatCatBum · 31/05/2023 21:02

Unless you are expecting him to go out just with your son you are being unfair. A teenager coming along completely changes the dynamic for not only him but everyone he is with, and I can imagine they would be deeply unimpressed (would you want to take him on a night out with your friends?)

And even if you don't want him to take your son out with his friends, why can't he have something that is just his?

Original poster
DNo · 31/05/2023 21:02

nahwhale · 31/05/2023 21:00

You take him to play golf if it's that important to you

It's not my thing. But I have taken my daughter to things I'm interested in.

OP posts:
Perfect28 · 31/05/2023 21:02

What's the issue? Why does he work such ridiculous hours when you have three children? Why does he get to do that and opt out of home life?

Blueskysunflower · 31/05/2023 21:02

OP why does this matter so much to you? Your son is not upset, you don’t gain anything from childcare or whatever if DH takes your son as you still have the others - why does this bother you so much? Are you concerned about their relationship, you are worried about your son’s future golf skills, you have just got hung up on something you think sounds nice even though it doesn’t directly involve you? Because while it was a perfectly reasonable suggestion, he’s said no and honestly if you were my spouse I’d expect that to be the end of it. But if you know why it is this is bothering you perhaps you can address it differently - so for example if it’s their relationship, can he do something else with your DS?

Original poster
DNo · 31/05/2023 21:03

FatCatBum · 31/05/2023 21:02

Unless you are expecting him to go out just with your son you are being unfair. A teenager coming along completely changes the dynamic for not only him but everyone he is with, and I can imagine they would be deeply unimpressed (would you want to take him on a night out with your friends?)

And even if you don't want him to take your son out with his friends, why can't he have something that is just his?

That's exactly what I'm saying. The weeks he doesn't go out with his friends I'd love him to go out with our son.

OP posts:
Pebbledashery · 31/05/2023 21:04

I think you're being a bit unfair. He works, sounds like he pulls his weight with the kids. His hobby doesn't sound like it's excessive. Is he not allowed to have something just for him? You're forcing the issue.

nahwhale · 31/05/2023 21:05

DNo · 31/05/2023 21:02

It's not my thing. But I have taken my daughter to things I'm interested in.

Show quote history

Take your son to that too?

HerMammy · 31/05/2023 21:06

@Perfect28
Why does he work such ridiculous hours when you have three children? Why does he get to do that and opt out of home life?
People work long hours, you know to pay bills, not everyone is on the MN 6 figure salary. I doubt it's for fun 🙄

WimpoleHat · 31/05/2023 21:07

He obviously wants to keep the hobby as something he does without the kids. I absolutely don't blame him as the minute he takes his son then the whole tone of the activity changes.

This is true - and I have some sympathy for it. But it’s a very short-termist attitude. I’ve always taken my DD along to my hobby as she showed enthusiasm for it; she now
loves it and is far more accomplished than I am! But now she’s a teen we have something in common. Something that she genuinely wants to do…..and something that she’d actually rather do with her mum than her mates because I actually know about it. And that’s really lovely. I think your DH might well get a lot back in the longer term for a bit of short term effort now.

FatCatBum · 31/05/2023 21:08

That's exactly what I'm saying. The weeks he doesn't go out with his friends I'd love him to go out with our son.

But maybe that's the concern, that suddenly he gets badgered to take your son out every time he plays golf, that he starts getting the 'oh but he loves it so much' emotional blackmail from you both?

I don't know, personally if there was something that I had loved but sacrificed for my family for a long time and started to get back into, I wouldn't want it to become a shared activity

Underthesquee · 31/05/2023 21:08

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/05/2023 20:42

I think it's sad because this is the kind of thing which means you actually see your kids past 18. Especially fathers who often have nothing to do with them or talk to them about (and yours works 6 days a week).

But it is his choice.

My husband likes golf and was desperately asking his dad to play golf with him for years, then his dad had an accident and couldn’t play golf with him. They can never play golf now as father in law is too unwell and he bitterly regrets it.

nahwhale · 31/05/2023 21:08

Perfect28 · 31/05/2023 21:02

What's the issue? Why does he work such ridiculous hours when you have three children? Why does he get to do that and opt out of home life?

Presumably he's earning money for the 3 children?! I mean I'm personally amazed anyone can do that many hours a week.

Original poster
DNo · 31/05/2023 21:08

nahwhale · 31/05/2023 21:05

Take your son to that too?

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I would if I thought he was interested. He most certainly is not. I take him tonother things though.

OP posts:
nahwhale · 31/05/2023 21:09

DNo · 31/05/2023 21:08

I would if I thought he was interested. He most certainly is not. I take him tonother things though.

Show quote history

That's fine then. You have that shared experience with him. Let your DH do what he wants

Original poster
DNo · 31/05/2023 21:10

Perfect28 · 31/05/2023 21:02

What's the issue? Why does he work such ridiculous hours when you have three children? Why does he get to do that and opt out of home life?

Jesus, I rarely post here but am now reminded why.

OP posts:
Srin · 31/05/2023 21:10

Perfect28 · 31/05/2023 21:02

What's the issue? Why does he work such ridiculous hours when you have three children? Why does he get to do that and opt out of home life?

Maybe to earn money?

Original poster
DNo · 31/05/2023 21:11

nahwhale · 31/05/2023 21:08

Presumably he's earning money for the 3 children?! I mean I'm personally amazed anyone can do that many hours a week.

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12 hours x 5, 5 hours on Saturday.

OP posts:
Original poster
DNo · 31/05/2023 21:16

HerMammy · 31/05/2023 21:06

@Perfect28
Why does he work such ridiculous hours when you have three children? Why does he get to do that and opt out of home life?
People work long hours, you know to pay bills, not everyone is on the MN 6 figure salary. I doubt it's for fun 🙄

Thank you for stating the obvious. It's a necessity for some people but mumsnet sometimes don't get that. 🤣

OP posts:
saltinesandcoffeecups · 31/05/2023 21:29

Sign the kid up for lessons on his own. (Ignore your DH on this point) Some day your husband will look forward to golfing with him and you can tell him he was wrong and you were right.

I can understand him wanting to be protective of his hobby right now. He doesn’t want to turn it into an obligation. That won’t always be the case. Soon enough your son will be grown and on his own and your husband will be retired with all the time in world to golf.

Perfect28 · 31/05/2023 21:32

Ok op well good luck with that

slashlover · 31/05/2023 21:55

So your DH works 6 days per week and spends one or two days per month on his golf. You want his only other 2 non work days per month also playing golf with his DS? When would he get a day to just spend in the house?

MumblesParty · 31/05/2023 22:17

Perfect28 · 31/05/2023 21:02

What's the issue? Why does he work such ridiculous hours when you have three children? Why does he get to do that and opt out of home life?

I’m guessing he does it to get that thing called, you know, MONEY, to pay bills etc.

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