Is it rude not to wait for them?

[tiredofthisshit21]

Two nights a week my DH picks up his son from mum's house after he's finished work for him to come and stay here. It's about a 50 minute round trip. About 80% of the time he's left waiting outside the house for 20 mins or more because SS isn't ready (despite being told what time he's getting picked up)/isn't answering his phone/the door/can't find his keys or whatever.

I cook dinner for us and I have to wait til they get back before i can eat - often having to try and keep it warm. Tonight I had a 'fuck it' moment and ate mine because I was starving and fed up of waiting.

AIBU to stop waiting for them before I have my dinner? Or better still, sort my own dinner out on those nights and leave them to fend for themselves?

You're storing up problems if you skimp on sleep. It is when the body rests and restores.

Then don't if you hate it that much.....I would cook for anyone who worked then went on a 50 minute round trip male or female it's not about their gender it's about caring about them and recognising they would be exhausted......but if I resented them going on the trip maybe different

The solution to this is blindingly obvious. Tell your husband this isn’t working and he needs to be in charge of his and his sons meals on those nights. Then eat what you want when you want.

and stop expecting a 16 year old to be super organised. You will just be dissappointed. Shifting from house to house is crap. If he stays over does he have everything he needs at yours? School uniformed, clean PJs. PE kit? Even at that he needs to sort his homework and school bag.

of course this is all your husbands work not yours

Has your partner said you should?

If the time they’re getting in on these nights is later than you like to eat your dinner, then there’s two options.

Tell them that they’ll have to sort their own dinner out because you’ll be eating earlier.

Or prepare something that’s either cold, or that can be reheated easily so there’s some dinner ready for them when they get in. And then eat your portion earlier when it suits you.

Not much I can do I often don't sleep anyway when I do go to bed. Work needs to be done

Seems mean to me. I'm sure you could manage to wait & you want him to feel welcome. Not fair on your DH either as it's not his fault.

This

Get yourself a slow cooker. Dinner is sorted and can be kept on warm. Everyone can then eat when it suits them.

I think you're being unfair and nasty to @Ragwort there.

She talked about compromise in family life. With examples of what makes family life nicer. Nothing in her post implied you should be the only one doing the cooking because you're female.

There's also a difference between being made to feel welcome, and being welcomed. Having a meal waiting (even if it needs reheating) or a pot of chilli on the stove is welcoming.....and that's always nice for anyone. Ragwort wasn't saying they have to be 'welcomed' as in great them at the door with a curtsey and ask what aperitif they want.

Don't quote what isn't there. The massive chip on your shoulder just unnecessarily came out of nowhere. That's definitely unreasonable.

I think your reaction to this speaks more to how you feel you are treated in your relationship generally. In an equal and fair relationship, I don't think anyone would feel that aggrieved for cooking dinner for their partner on the two nights they were out till later, male or female, assuming their partner returns the favour on other nights. That's just part of the give and take of a relationship. You help each other out.

The fact you are so caught up on how this is sexist in some way suggests that you feel badly treated in other ways and this is the straw that's broken the camel's back. Because otherwise I can't really understand such a disproportionate response or level of anger over a fairly normal occurence in family life.

I feel the step son is more the problem for op then the cooking or eating. The post and ops replies scream resentment both the step son and the husband. No wonder he drags his heels in coming over.

Why can’t you just eat later or suggest they pick something up on the way back?
I also think you sound very resentful of SS tbh, you say how you’re going through the menopause but can’t seem to understand this teenager will be having hormones and going between two households tbh?

does he often get time alone with his father other then travelling? Is this a way of him saying he wants just some time on his own with his dad? Instead of looking at him as a problem, try an understand why he’s doing it.. if you offer for them to grab something on the way back so they can spend quality time together this would probably solve alot, he’s also not stupid and can probably pick up on the atmosphere, I got it from your post..

doesn’t matter what age he is, going between two households can sometimes still be awkward, 50minute round trip, I assume his friends and stuff live more locally to mums then yours? Have some empathy.

I also agree his dad should be having a chat about time keeping, this is why it would be best they grab something on the way home, I don’t understand why you haven’t suggested this?

@CrazyHedgehogLover they're completely free to do something on their own/pick something up on their way back and spend some time together without me. I don't have an issue with that at all. But it's not really up to me to engineer their relationship like that, is it?

FWIW the moving between two houses has been going on for about 8 years. Appreciate it's not the easiest thing for the kids but there comes a time when they should be sufficiently old enough and used to it to be able to get their shit together?

@tiredofthisshit21 no it’s not your responsibility, however your on here asking if your being unreasonable, imo yes you are.. if you don’t want to wait, eat your food.. leave them something on the side or you could easily say to them to pick something up on the way home instead?

your making a big deal for no reason, you keep saying “having his shit together” do you have to go between two homes on a 50minute round trip each week? Probably not, you’d probably understand more if you did do, I would hate it.

my stepdaughters come here twice a week, we eat together and they have been going between households for the past 6yrs, doesn’t stop them missing there mums home either, they have different things at there mums to here.. it’s natural for them to feel weird about it sometimes.. so I don’t really get your point about just because it’s 8yrs he should “have his shit together” as I said above, try moving between two households each week and tell me you’d be happy, especially a teenager.. add a resentful stepmom on top of that all over food.

I suggest that there start to be some consequences. I.e. drive off after waiting 5 minutes.

Are you sure your stepson isn't taking ages to be ready because he doesn't really want to come? To be honest, from your posts, it doesn't sound as though you make him very welcome or want him there.

There's always one, isn't there, that has to come out with this bollocks.

OP hasn't commented on ANYTHING other than the rigmarole of picking him up and what she should do about dinner - yet suddenly the poor child is not feeling welcome - worse, OP doesn't even want him there!

@tiredofthisshit21 suit yourself I say - I would if it was my own kid, let alone a step child who consistently fannies around when being picked up. If you're feeling kind, leave something out for them to warm up. If you only want a snack, then just do what you want and husband can make dinner for them later. It's really no biggy, especially if DSS can finagle a McDonald's on the way home!

To be fair, it could possibly be a factor.

@nahwhale

"If he's the one that wants the kid to learn to drive so he doesnt have to do pick up he can pay for it"

🤦🏽‍♀️

Probably should be a joint decision really . Any thing that effects the life of a child especially a big decision like driving a machine that can kill surely requires a discussion between parents. Just like they would if they were together