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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it rude not to wait for them?

145 replies

tiredofthisshit21 · 31/05/2023 18:54

Two nights a week my DH picks up his son from mum's house after he's finished work for him to come and stay here. It's about a 50 minute round trip. About 80% of the time he's left waiting outside the house for 20 mins or more because SS isn't ready (despite being told what time he's getting picked up)/isn't answering his phone/the door/can't find his keys or whatever.

I cook dinner for us and I have to wait til they get back before i can eat - often having to try and keep it warm. Tonight I had a 'fuck it' moment and ate mine because I was starving and fed up of waiting.

AIBU to stop waiting for them before I have my dinner? Or better still, sort my own dinner out on those nights and leave them to fend for themselves?

OP posts:
Delphinium20 · 31/05/2023 20:50

If you cook, you decide the time and if they are late, too bad. This is a great lesson for DSS to learn that women aren't support humans who bend over backwards to please men no matter the cost to them. He's not a small child, he's old enough to have consequences for being late.

TeaKitten · 31/05/2023 20:50

What time do you normally eat? 7-7.30 two nights a week sounds fine. But you sound like you don’t enjoy eating with SS anyway so
maybe you’d all enjoy you eating separately. I can’t see why you all need to eat together.

HateLongCovid · 31/05/2023 20:58

I feel sorry for kids that have to live between two homes. He didn't choose for his parents to split up. Cut him some slack! The adults screw stuff up and the kids have to suffer.

INeedAnotherName · 31/05/2023 21:04

HateLongCovid · 31/05/2023 20:58

I feel sorry for kids that have to live between two homes. He didn't choose for his parents to split up. Cut him some slack! The adults screw stuff up and the kids have to suffer.

Hes 16, he's old enough to make sure he's ready on time 🙄

LlynTegid · 31/05/2023 21:05

If this is set out in advance so the consequences of being late are known, perfectly reasonable.

lucylucyapplejuicy · 31/05/2023 21:10

Do you have kids? Teenagers are like this, yes annoying but 1-2 nights a week waiting 20 mins to eat my tea wouldn't bother me, it's just part of family life

2bazookas · 31/05/2023 21:12

I'd suggest to DH they eat out on the way back. Enjoy some one to one time.

Then you're free to spend the time as you choose and nobody feels guilty or pressured.

saraclara · 31/05/2023 21:17

I don't get the issue. But then I didn't have a super strict dinner timetable when mine were kids/ teens. And I'd certainly not plan to have a meal ready for the exact time that someone's due home, because life doesn't run like clockwork.

nahwhale · 31/05/2023 21:20

I am in similar situation. I usually cook for everyone and then eat mine and DC can have theirs if they are around. DH and DSC have theirs when they are back. It's never been a problem and DH appreciates me doing the cooking. If I don't fancy doing a big meal then I just make sure there's pasta or pizza in for the night they are travelling here.

OhComeOnFFS · 31/05/2023 21:21

I'd cook for all three whenever you want to eat, then leave theirs for them. Your SS sounds a bit of an idiot!

batsandeggs · 31/05/2023 21:21

It is a bit rude, yeah. For the sake of twenty minutes. It’s once a week to accommodate a teenager living between two spaces. Teenagers are difficult to do anything with at the best of times. You seem grouchy.

nahwhale · 31/05/2023 21:22

HateLongCovid · 31/05/2023 20:58

I feel sorry for kids that have to live between two homes. He didn't choose for his parents to split up. Cut him some slack! The adults screw stuff up and the kids have to suffer.

Nah the lad is 16 not 6

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 31/05/2023 21:23

I would say it depends on the time. If they are back by 8 you should wait if it’s going to be later then fine to eat yours before.

Hannahsbananas · 31/05/2023 21:23

tiredofthisshit21 · 31/05/2023 19:02

DSS unorganised. Mum often not there. He's 16 FFS. I just don't see why my evening has to be disrupted because of the faffing.

16!
Why is he regularly twiddling his thumbs while his 16 year old fannys around for 20 minutes?

nahwhale · 31/05/2023 21:23

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 31/05/2023 21:23

I would say it depends on the time. If they are back by 8 you should wait if it’s going to be later then fine to eat yours before.

8? Nah mate I eat my dinner by 630 or it causes problems with digestion and sleeping

AtrociousCircumstance · 31/05/2023 21:26

Do whatever you feel like. If you’re cooking make enough for three and eat it when you want to - they can reheat. If you just want a snack, have a snack and DH can cook when they get in or prepare a snack for them both.

You're not their staff.

AtrociousCircumstance · 31/05/2023 21:26

or he *can prepare them both a snack, I mean! Not you.

Dixiechickonhols · 31/05/2023 21:27

Is a compromise one night dh and ss eat on way home and you have what you fancy. Other night you eat together and just push back dinner (have a snack if you are peckish)

Original poster
tiredofthisshit21 · 31/05/2023 21:28

@nahwhale am totally with you there.

And to PP if I 'seem grouchy' that could be because I'm menopausal, don't sleep well and quite frankly don't have the patience for a 16yo who cba to get his shit together twice a week so that his dad doesn't have to sit there twiddling his thumbs. Hell, even if he were my flesh and blood I'd be driving off after 5 mins and leaving him where he was.

OP posts:
nahwhale · 31/05/2023 21:31

tiredofthisshit21 · 31/05/2023 21:28

@nahwhale am totally with you there.

And to PP if I 'seem grouchy' that could be because I'm menopausal, don't sleep well and quite frankly don't have the patience for a 16yo who cba to get his shit together twice a week so that his dad doesn't have to sit there twiddling his thumbs. Hell, even if he were my flesh and blood I'd be driving off after 5 mins and leaving him where he was.

I think that's for his dad to decided if he'll tolerate or not. Seriously I'd just crack on and have your dinner. If you're feeling nice then make a big batch and they can have theirs later or if not just get some of that fresh pasta and some sauce. They can cook that themselves in like 5 minutes.

Is DH giving you grief over it? You aren't kitchen staff.

Growlybear83 · 31/05/2023 21:33

Why do you eat so early? I don't know anyone who doesn't have very young children who eats dinner before 8 pm. Waiting until 7.30 isn't exactly a hardship.

Wishitsnows · 31/05/2023 21:34

So the kid has to go between 2 houses and you expect him to get his shit together but when you know what time they are likely to show up you can’t even be flexible or figure out best time to have the food ready without reheating? Yes, I get menopause maybe shit but isn’t that true of 16 year olds with hormones too.

Original poster
tiredofthisshit21 · 31/05/2023 21:34

Growlybear83 · 31/05/2023 21:33

Why do you eat so early? I don't know anyone who doesn't have very young children who eats dinner before 8 pm. Waiting until 7.30 isn't exactly a hardship.

Because it fucks with my sleep.

OP posts:
Augend23 · 31/05/2023 21:37

I think if you have agreed you cook on days when he's out you do have to suck up cooking - the same as you would any other day you've agreed to do a thing that impacts other people if you don't do it. But I wouldn't feel I had to wait for them to be back - if they should be back by 18:30, do dinner for then and if they're late they can get theirs out the oven. I'd probably try and do something that keeps semi well or just requires them to e.g. cook themselves some pasta when they get in, but i wouldn't hold myself to that - I actually tend to think that a few weeks of cold/meh food due to you need having actively "held" it might encourage the timely behaviour you'd like to incentivise.

SnackSizeRaisin · 31/05/2023 21:37

Why don't you talk to your partner about it? There are loads of possible compromises. E.g. they get something on the way back, you cook but eat yours when you want, partner ensures there's something quick in the house such as frozen pizza that he can prepare quickly when they arrive, partner prepares something in advance, you could make double quantity another night and then they just reheat leftovers when they get in, you could go out yourself that evening (eat earlier still maybe). I don't think 7.30 is that late, but if genuinely an issue for you I don't think it's a big deal for you to eat separately on those nights. Presumably partner wants to all eat together?