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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it rude not to wait for them?

145 replies

tiredofthisshit21 · 31/05/2023 18:54

Two nights a week my DH picks up his son from mum's house after he's finished work for him to come and stay here. It's about a 50 minute round trip. About 80% of the time he's left waiting outside the house for 20 mins or more because SS isn't ready (despite being told what time he's getting picked up)/isn't answering his phone/the door/can't find his keys or whatever.

I cook dinner for us and I have to wait til they get back before i can eat - often having to try and keep it warm. Tonight I had a 'fuck it' moment and ate mine because I was starving and fed up of waiting.

AIBU to stop waiting for them before I have my dinner? Or better still, sort my own dinner out on those nights and leave them to fend for themselves?

OP posts:
Peterpiperpickedapeckof · 31/05/2023 21:37

You sound resentful.

if you cooking dinner for you and your partner and his son is not the cause of the resentment, then cook enough for 3 and eat yours while they are travelling.

if you resent cooking it then plan something else, eat a snack.

id speak to your partner before you change the arrangement though.

if you don’t like doing this then change it. But communicate!!

nahwhale · 31/05/2023 21:38

tiredofthisshit21 · 31/05/2023 21:34

Because it fucks with my sleep.

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Really?! I know loads of people who eat at like 6 or 7 when they get in from work.

Twitch45 · 31/05/2023 21:39

In that situation I'd probably ask DH to send me a message when they were about to set off back to yours, and start cooking then. Then you can be getting on with other stuff and the food isn't getting cold.

But then I had dinner at 9pm tonight - eating late doesn't bother me (I fed the DC earlier in the evening!)

TheSnowyOwl · 31/05/2023 21:39

tiredofthisshit21 · 31/05/2023 19:04

Also, sometimes I'm quite happy with a snack or something light but DH wants a 'proper meal.' So isn't it ok to say he cooks it himself if I don't want a big meal?

So why don’t you do yourself whatever you want so that you aren’t hungry and then your DH can reheat something when he gets back.

nahwhale · 31/05/2023 21:39

Growlybear83 · 31/05/2023 21:33

Why do you eat so early? I don't know anyone who doesn't have very young children who eats dinner before 8 pm. Waiting until 7.30 isn't exactly a hardship.

Why do you eat so late? 2-3 hours isn't enough time to digest your food. I'd pile on the pounds I'd I did that.

nahwhale · 31/05/2023 21:41

Augend23 · 31/05/2023 21:37

I think if you have agreed you cook on days when he's out you do have to suck up cooking - the same as you would any other day you've agreed to do a thing that impacts other people if you don't do it. But I wouldn't feel I had to wait for them to be back - if they should be back by 18:30, do dinner for then and if they're late they can get theirs out the oven. I'd probably try and do something that keeps semi well or just requires them to e.g. cook themselves some pasta when they get in, but i wouldn't hold myself to that - I actually tend to think that a few weeks of cold/meh food due to you need having actively "held" it might encourage the timely behaviour you'd like to incentivise.

Just because she agreed to it at one point doesn't mean she is doomed to an eternity of doing it

Original poster
tiredofthisshit21 · 31/05/2023 21:41

@nahwhale I was responding to anything later than 6.30/7 interfering with my sleep. They're often home well past 7.30.

OP posts:
nahwhale · 31/05/2023 21:42

Twitch45 · 31/05/2023 21:39

In that situation I'd probably ask DH to send me a message when they were about to set off back to yours, and start cooking then. Then you can be getting on with other stuff and the food isn't getting cold.

But then I had dinner at 9pm tonight - eating late doesn't bother me (I fed the DC earlier in the evening!)

I don't mean this rudely but what time do you go to bed? When do you have lunch? Do you eat anything in-between lunch and 9? I'm fascinated people aren't starving hangry!

Growlybear83 · 31/05/2023 21:43

nahwhale · 31/05/2023 21:39

Why do you eat so late? 2-3 hours isn't enough time to digest your food. I'd pile on the pounds I'd I did that.

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I don't eat late. We usually eat at around 8.30, and I go to bed at around 1. That's plenty of time to digest my meal.

nahwhale · 31/05/2023 21:43

tiredofthisshit21 · 31/05/2023 21:41

@nahwhale I was responding to anything later than 6.30/7 interfering with my sleep. They're often home well past 7.30.

Sorry! I meant to quote the poster you quoted. Loads of people eat earlier than 8pm.

Original poster
tiredofthisshit21 · 31/05/2023 21:44

I'm usually in bed by 9 if I'm up early for work the next day. I need to wind down (which is what I should really be doing now...)

OP posts:
Delphinium20 · 31/05/2023 21:44

DH and used to eat late or really whenever we wanted to. Now middle aged, we both have rotten sleep if we eat after 7...and we go to bed around 11.

nahwhale · 31/05/2023 21:44

Growlybear83 · 31/05/2023 21:43

I don't eat late. We usually eat at around 8.30, and I go to bed at around 1. That's plenty of time to digest my meal.

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Ah yes that makes sense if your bed time is so late.

I have to get up early so am in bed by like 1030/1100ish so 8pm dinner would be awful.

HateLongCovid · 31/05/2023 21:45

Wishitsnows · 31/05/2023 21:34

So the kid has to go between 2 houses and you expect him to get his shit together but when you know what time they are likely to show up you can’t even be flexible or figure out best time to have the food ready without reheating? Yes, I get menopause maybe shit but isn’t that true of 16 year olds with hormones too.

Grin well said. It's not easy being a teenager.

nahwhale · 31/05/2023 21:45

tiredofthisshit21 · 31/05/2023 21:44

I'm usually in bed by 9 if I'm up early for work the next day. I need to wind down (which is what I should really be doing now...)

Oh man! Yeah 8pm is too late to eat then. Just say you're not doing it any more two adults should be able to sort out a quick meal

NadjaCravensworth1 · 31/05/2023 21:48

It depends on your dynamic and what's acceptable as a family to you all. I rarely eat with my partner so I don't think you're being unreasonable at all but I realise it's a bigger deal for some people

Jibo · 31/05/2023 21:51

tiredofthisshit21 · 31/05/2023 18:59

Because I might not want to wait til 7/7.30 to eat because of their messing around?

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7/7.30 really isn't late for dinner if you don't have young kids in the house. Have a late afternoon snack and get over yourself? Don't you want to make your stepson feel welcome, catch up over a nice dinner and hear how he's been doing? Why do single parents get together with people who can't be kind to their children? 🙁

NadjaCravensworth1 · 31/05/2023 21:52

Growlybear83 · 31/05/2023 21:33

Why do you eat so early? I don't know anyone who doesn't have very young children who eats dinner before 8 pm. Waiting until 7.30 isn't exactly a hardship.

Errrr what?!

Purpleboat · 31/05/2023 21:52

I think it’s fine for you to do whatever works for you.

Fine for DH to cook, fine for DSS to cook too. I don’t think you need to all eat together necessarily, I grew up in a busy household, a meal was always made, but if I wasn’t in at the tea time I would get mine separately.

Presumably you are open to sometimes going out for food, having a takeaway or eating altogether occasionally. If so I don’t see this as a huge issue. Have you discussed with DH?

nahwhale · 31/05/2023 21:53

Jibo · 31/05/2023 21:51

7/7.30 really isn't late for dinner if you don't have young kids in the house. Have a late afternoon snack and get over yourself? Don't you want to make your stepson feel welcome, catch up over a nice dinner and hear how he's been doing? Why do single parents get together with people who can't be kind to their children? 🙁

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Haha what? She can catch up with him without having to sit there and eat with him? I often catch up with my DSC over breakfast if they've arrived quite late.

nahwhale · 31/05/2023 21:54

nahwhale · 31/05/2023 21:53

Haha what? She can catch up with him without having to sit there and eat with him? I often catch up with my DSC over breakfast if they've arrived quite late.

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Plus he's not a royal visitor he literally lives there

Augend23 · 31/05/2023 21:54

nahwhale · 31/05/2023 21:41

Just because she agreed to it at one point doesn't mean she is doomed to an eternity of doing it

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Of course, but unless she's certain she wants a snack tea every time he's out then you are going to end up with a weird situation where she wants dinner before they're back but also isn't cooking dinner for them so is cooking for just her and then they're cooking again when they get back, which seems inefficient for all concerned tbh.

TeaKitten · 31/05/2023 21:54

tiredofthisshit21 · 31/05/2023 21:28

@nahwhale am totally with you there.

And to PP if I 'seem grouchy' that could be because I'm menopausal, don't sleep well and quite frankly don't have the patience for a 16yo who cba to get his shit together twice a week so that his dad doesn't have to sit there twiddling his thumbs. Hell, even if he were my flesh and blood I'd be driving off after 5 mins and leaving him where he was.

So was your DH mad that you ate without him? Has anyone actually asked you to not eat until they have arrived?

Original poster
tiredofthisshit21 · 31/05/2023 22:04

Well I think he'd quite like us all to eat together but he hasn't said he's mad. I just wanted to guage opinions.

OP posts:
MolkosTeenageAngst · 31/05/2023 22:11

Growlybear83 · 31/05/2023 21:43

I don't eat late. We usually eat at around 8.30, and I go to bed at around 1. That's plenty of time to digest my meal.

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Well surely you know 1am isn’t a usually time for people who work 9-5 to go to bed. If you need to be up at 6 or 7 for work and want 8 hours sleep bedtime is going to be 10 or 11, so it makes sense people going to bed 2-3 hours earlier than you are going to be eating 2-3 hours earlier than you. If you usually eat at 8:30 that means people eating between 5:30 to 6:30.