My Mum died, are my friends being shit or AIBU?

[amiaworthlessweirdo]

I have a very loving marriage thankfully, so I'm not alone. But in terms of friends I feel quite discarded, but wonder if it's just me being over sensitive due to my head being messed up with the bereavement?

My 'best friend' is the exception to this, I feel I could ring her whenever I need to. We speak every few weeks and it's great. But the fact that all my other friends seem to have discarded me a bit is making it hard to connect with anyone tbh. I feel embarrassed, like nobody wants me around/ can be bothered with me.

Other friends who know my mum died -

1. Old school friend who sent a lovely text message and asked for my new address, I thought to send card, but never showed up. Maybe she sent it I guess but probably didn't? We're not close any more so I get that
2. Recent very close friend, I was her bridesmaid last year did the same thing - made noises about sending a card, but didn't. She was in touch when my mum was in hospice care but then petered out and didn't respond to my last text so when she got back in touch over a month after my mum had died, she thought she was still alive. Texts me when drunk (I think) telling me how much she wants to be there for me, but then doesn't reply for weeks
3. Friend who got in touch when mum was in hospice, said "I'm so sorry, that's awful" and then nothing more - whatever, they were more a light hearted friendship anyway
4. Similar to above but I irrationally am a bit pissed off because when her dog died, I was supportive because I knew how devastated she was. But nothing though she knows my mum was in hospice, and then texted me about something else, I didn't reply
5. Recent close friend who read my message at Christmas about my mum in hospice and just didn't reply. I don't understand this at all, we live in different places now but she again would regularly refer to me as a best/ close friend. I was there for her when her dad got cancer, and though I lived elsewhere was in touch when her sister in law died.

I feel embarrassed, like none of these people care a jot about me and more fool me for even thinking to share the news my mum had died. It's making me feel uncertain in terms of every friendship now.

But grief does weird stuff so AIBU as not thinking clearly?

It's awful! I'm so sorry for your loss. I had similar when my dad died. It's true, you find out who your friends are.

The only thing I can say in their favour is that unfortunately life goes on. Nothing has changed in their life and it may slip their mind. People get wrapped up in their own lives and other things go out the window.

I find it hard to understand as I wouldn't behave like this so I'm truly sorry.

I’m sorry for your loss.

You’re not unreasonable to think your friends could have made an effort.

I get that some people don’t know how to handle grief/don’t know what to say but the reality is, just say something.

You’ve clearly been a good friend to others so it would be kind of them to reciprocate when you need support.

It’s times like this when you know who you can depend on.

Take care op.

I’m sorry for your loss op! Sometimes people don’t know what to say or do when someone dies. There is nothing wrong with telling people u feel hurt with their lack of acknowledgement.. hugs to u! Xx

I'm so sorry for your loss. In my experience this sort of thing brings up weird stuff for people and they worry about saying the wrong thing. Lean on those you can rely upon and do whatever you need to in order to look after yourself.

I am really sorry, my Mum died on 14th May and I have been overwhelmed by the kindness of others, many of them people I have not seen for 40 years.

I cannot imagine how difficult it would have been without support. Sometimes people just do not know what to do or what to say.

Well, maybe it's just me, this is kind of what I mean.

Others (like you) are worthy of support and outpourings of love. I'm clearly not.

Makes me ashamed.

Sorry for your loss, yes they could have made more effort but lack of cards i would not read as negative as some people don't do cards these days. I certainly did pass on my condolences to my friend recently, and did send a card but I don't plague her with messages about it on going as it's a personal thing for her.

I'm really sorry about your mum.

You sound perfectly clear to me, I think those "friends" are being shit (some more than others). But I also think lots of people describe themselves as "friends" when they're only fleeting acquaintances.

Losing your mum can be like losing your scaffolding and it can change your perspective. The loss of that special bond may be making it more obvious and more painful that these other relationships are more casual/distant.

You are worthy of love and support.

These people's behaviour is about their own inadequacies.

No please don't think that. I think I may have got lots of support because I live in NZ and was dealing with everything on my own in UK. I have no children and am an only child and I am definitely definitely not worthy.

You must not feel ashamed for other people's behaviour.

It won't be you at all - you're just unlucky in having the kind of friends who either don't know what to say, or are just a bit crap. I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum.

Hi OP, I am so sorry for your loss.

I lost my dad a year ago to a brain tumour and experienced something similar, but with family too. His brother didn’t even go to his funeral in the end. Loss really shows you is there for you and who isn’t.

One piece of advice given to me that really changed my perspective was ‘don’t expect anything from anyone’. Just because I know I would be there for my friends/family during a loss, doesn’t mean I should expect that from someone else. Not everyone deals with it in the same way.

Some people feel awkward, some people haven’t gone through grief and simply don’t know what it’s like. Others are selfish and too caught up in their own world.

I am glad your partner is there for you. Be kind to yourself 🤍

I’m so sorry for your loss.

My Mom died last year and I had a similar experience with family members.
I have three cousins who live out of the country and when our uncle died a few years ago no one else contacted them so I did and they messaged back and forwards about how sad it was.

When my Mom died I contacted them all on the day (by message, I don’t have numbers for them) and only one replied. The other two still haven’t acknowledged the messages, they’re unread, and clearly never will now as 7 months have passed. I was supportive when their Dad died and always comment every year when they post on the anniversary of his death. There’s been no falling out or anything, they respond to things I post on Facebook.

So sorry for your loss op. I list my mum 2 years ago so I know your pain. It's rubbish on your friends part that they haven't sent a card or some flowers unless of course they can't afford it but then a heartfelt text message instead should be the bare minimum.

Big hugs to you. Been there recently. I've ditched those who didn't bother. After all support shown to them, nothing. Nit worth my time. I'm glad you have supportive husband and best friend xxxx

Apart from the one who didn’t reply at all and the one who ignores your messages, I don’t think the ones who did send messages saying they’re sorry have done anything wrong. What else would you have liked then to do?

Gosh yes that is shit. We recently lost our dog and I got cards, flowers wine and chocolates from various friends.

Maybe they wouldn't expect anything themselves so don't put it out there. Doesn't help with the hurt though.

There’s been no falling out or anything, they respond to things I post on Facebook.

BTW when I say that I mean that they respond to everyday comments I may make or photos that I post. I never publically mentioned losing my mother.

I'm sorry you've lost your Mum and that you don't feel supported by friends.

I didn't have a great r/ship with either of my parents, but was incredibly sad when each died.

I think my friends couldn't understand why I was upset. My own sister said something like "I don't know why you're so upset about Dad dying when you never saw him" (whereas, she had a good relationship with him and saw him weekly (she was NC with our Mum for 15 years before her death)).

Got to say, the only person who was absolutely great/supportive was my ex/the father of my DC, who kind of knew from our long chats over the years about our families, just why I felt so unbearably sad.

I find emotional processing really hard, so it was a massive step for me to even be able to feel that sadness and recognise it as such.

I think grieving and how best to support friends is something we don't always do well in our country (I may be wrong). People have said sometimes they feel awkward/don't know what to say, so say nothing.

I've always just tried to say to friends that I'm here - even if it's just to hold space for them - and I hope they know I mean it.

X

So sorry OP.

My mother is currently terminally ill and I'm having a similar experience. One of my close friends checks in very occasionally which is fine, my best friend is 100% there for me but all the others have just turned a blind eye.

It's selfish but I don't blame them to a degree. It takes a lot of mental energy to support someone through this and all of them still have their mums around so don't have a clue what it's like

Well, the two who messaged when she was in hospice - I would have appreciated if they had sent a text to see how I was at some point after knowing my mum was actively dying at the time of messaging.

Because when someone is in hospice then they die. It would have been nice if they had asked if I was ok.

In fairness they haven't actually done anything wrong though. People prioritise who and what is important and that is obviously fine, so I have received the message now. I was just too dumb to realise before!

I am really sorry to all those who have experienced a painful loss, it is so shitty

I don't think it's a case of you not being worthy or being dumb. Honestly it's hard but it really does say more about them than you. They are being very thoughtless and to be fair, unkind.

It’s not you OP it’s them. I’m so
sorry for your loss.

In fairness they haven't actually done anything wrong though. People prioritise who and what is important and that is obviously fine, so I have received the message now. I was just too dumb to realise before!

Pretty much the message I took when DM died in Australia. Flew out there for the funeral, sorted her stuff, flew back. Not one family member out there got in touch to ask, how was the flight, are you OK (all family is in Oz). Not so much as an Xmas card or a phone call from anyone. So I pretty much know where I stand now.