*Others (like you) are worthy of support and outpourings of love. I'm clearly not.
Makes me ashamed*
please don’t say that @amiaworthlessweirdo because people’s insensitive behaviour isn’t a mark of your character. It may be true that people don’t know what to say but I say tough, it’s not about their sensibilities, it’s about your loss and they should acknowledge it fully even if it’s difficult for them, it’s a whole lot harder for you.
I remember when my Aunt’s husband was killed in a car accident when I was a teenager. Her grief was made so much worse not by the awkward “I’m so sorry” comments but by the people who crossed the street to avoid her or by those who minimised it - I resolved never to start a sentence to a bereaved person with “at least…”
I’ve experienced it too and sorry if this ends up being a bit long. My DF had lymphoma which became much worse just before the first lockdown. We’d already been banned from cancer wards at that stage and one day when I was with my best friend my DF had been blue lighted to hospital the night before and I was waiting on a call from the hospital to know if he had survived the night because we couldn’t go with him. She was there and of all the people I knew she was the one who knew how dire things were for him and where they were heading. She also knew my father, he wasn’t someone she had never met.
When she left that day I still didn’t know if he was alive. Days later we were locked down. She never asked if he survived. In fact throughout he summer of 2020 she didn’t message at all. It was a terrible time made worse by the pandemic and when he died in March 2021 I heard nothing from her then. Times were odd so I thought she must have missed the news even though other more distant friends sent cards and acknowledged what had happened. I decided to see how long it took her to get in touch. Months passed and not a solitary text from my so called best friend. Then I got a text from her out of the blue four months later wanting some information from me, again not mentioning my father. I thought that she must have missed the information.
Then six months later I bumped into her. I felt really upset seeing her but she greeted me enthusiastically and asked me how I was. I said “OK but my dad died a few months ago” and she said “oh yeah I heard”, “you knew? I said, “Yeah, someone must have told me, I can’t even remember, honestly what AM I like??!! and she laughed.
I just felt so hurt; it turns out she did know he was dying, she did know he’d died but it just didn’t matter enough to bother acknowledging it. I’ve ghosted her completely, I don’t care if it’s childish. I can’t face her. I didn’t expect everyone to acknowledge it at all and I know people have busy lives but such a good friend who knew what was happening and knew my DF?
It really hurts doesn’t it? Especially when you’re already hurting enough. But it’s not you, it’s them. BTW some of the best support I got through that time was right here on MN. I posted here under another username wondering if I was being demanding or weird. The consensus was that it wasn’t me behaving badly.
I'm really sorry for your loss 💐