My Mum died, are my friends being shit or AIBU?

[amiaworthlessweirdo]

I have a very loving marriage thankfully, so I'm not alone. But in terms of friends I feel quite discarded, but wonder if it's just me being over sensitive due to my head being messed up with the bereavement?

My 'best friend' is the exception to this, I feel I could ring her whenever I need to. We speak every few weeks and it's great. But the fact that all my other friends seem to have discarded me a bit is making it hard to connect with anyone tbh. I feel embarrassed, like nobody wants me around/ can be bothered with me.

Other friends who know my mum died -

1. Old school friend who sent a lovely text message and asked for my new address, I thought to send card, but never showed up. Maybe she sent it I guess but probably didn't? We're not close any more so I get that
2. Recent very close friend, I was her bridesmaid last year did the same thing - made noises about sending a card, but didn't. She was in touch when my mum was in hospice care but then petered out and didn't respond to my last text so when she got back in touch over a month after my mum had died, she thought she was still alive. Texts me when drunk (I think) telling me how much she wants to be there for me, but then doesn't reply for weeks
3. Friend who got in touch when mum was in hospice, said "I'm so sorry, that's awful" and then nothing more - whatever, they were more a light hearted friendship anyway
4. Similar to above but I irrationally am a bit pissed off because when her dog died, I was supportive because I knew how devastated she was. But nothing though she knows my mum was in hospice, and then texted me about something else, I didn't reply
5. Recent close friend who read my message at Christmas about my mum in hospice and just didn't reply. I don't understand this at all, we live in different places now but she again would regularly refer to me as a best/ close friend. I was there for her when her dad got cancer, and though I lived elsewhere was in touch when her sister in law died.

I feel embarrassed, like none of these people care a jot about me and more fool me for even thinking to share the news my mum had died. It's making me feel uncertain in terms of every friendship now.

But grief does weird stuff so AIBU as not thinking clearly?

@amiaworthlessweirdo
I am sorry (sincerely) for your loss.. and that's all that people need to say, really, isn't it? Some people treat the grief stricken as though they are infectious & it might affect their family.
Losing my mum last June was just as expected after losing my DH 16 years ago & someone told me they knew exactly how I felt as their cat had died. ffs.

My other piece of advice OP is that the person who has provided the most support (as in still checking in almost daily when she’s on holiday) is a more recent friend. I’m so glad I didn’t decide I ‘wasn’t hiring’ when I met her. I’m in my 50s so there is always time for wonderful people to come into your life.

All of us will experience loss, grief, illness in one way or another. Any time I have, the best support is provided by those who have been there and understand. When someone you know has a loss you will use this experience to be a good and caring friend to them, and they’ll never forget it. If it’s one of the people who has let you down they will possibly reflect on that and wish they’d done better.

I’m so sorry for your loss, and please don’t take the advice to harden up or stop expecting kindness. We live in such a small and selfish world, it’s the people who can rise above that who make a difference.

OP I totally understand you. I lost my beloved gran on the last day of March and she was like another parent to me (I only have my mum and she helped bring me up). My one group of friends sent the cursory 'Oh so sorry' on the day, then ignored it completely, didn't even ask how her funeral went (which I planned with my mum).
I got support from elsewhere, which got me through. My lovely colleague and friend, people from my sports team, and the lovely reverend who took her service (who I had not met before but she has kept in touch, come and sat with me, let me cry with her and talk as much or little as I want). But I get you, when you are feeling so vulnerable, and those who you expect to help you let you down, you can't see beyond that.
I am so so sorry about your lovely mum. She loves you from where she is and will do right by you. (that is what I was told and it brings great comfort).

*Others (like you) are worthy of support and outpourings of love. I'm clearly not.

Makes me ashamed*

It's certainly not you. You learn at such times who your real friends are.

Many years ago, my mother died. I rang one of my closest friends, left a voicemail giving my mother's phone number so she could ring me. I didn't hear from her so, after 3 weeks, rang her to be told "oh sorry I haven't been in touch I didn't know what to say". We arranged to meet up, where for over an hour she moaned about her boyfriend then said to me "sorry we've just been talking about me all the time". I realised she had always expected my support but couldn't give hers in far worse circumstances. Our friendship was never the same and I distanced myself. Fortunately I had support from others

I am so sorry about your mum. Glad you have good support from some people.