My Mum died, are my friends being shit or AIBU?

[amiaworthlessweirdo]

I have a very loving marriage thankfully, so I'm not alone. But in terms of friends I feel quite discarded, but wonder if it's just me being over sensitive due to my head being messed up with the bereavement?

My 'best friend' is the exception to this, I feel I could ring her whenever I need to. We speak every few weeks and it's great. But the fact that all my other friends seem to have discarded me a bit is making it hard to connect with anyone tbh. I feel embarrassed, like nobody wants me around/ can be bothered with me.

Other friends who know my mum died -

1. Old school friend who sent a lovely text message and asked for my new address, I thought to send card, but never showed up. Maybe she sent it I guess but probably didn't? We're not close any more so I get that
2. Recent very close friend, I was her bridesmaid last year did the same thing - made noises about sending a card, but didn't. She was in touch when my mum was in hospice care but then petered out and didn't respond to my last text so when she got back in touch over a month after my mum had died, she thought she was still alive. Texts me when drunk (I think) telling me how much she wants to be there for me, but then doesn't reply for weeks
3. Friend who got in touch when mum was in hospice, said "I'm so sorry, that's awful" and then nothing more - whatever, they were more a light hearted friendship anyway
4. Similar to above but I irrationally am a bit pissed off because when her dog died, I was supportive because I knew how devastated she was. But nothing though she knows my mum was in hospice, and then texted me about something else, I didn't reply
5. Recent close friend who read my message at Christmas about my mum in hospice and just didn't reply. I don't understand this at all, we live in different places now but she again would regularly refer to me as a best/ close friend. I was there for her when her dad got cancer, and though I lived elsewhere was in touch when her sister in law died.

I feel embarrassed, like none of these people care a jot about me and more fool me for even thinking to share the news my mum had died. It's making me feel uncertain in terms of every friendship now.

But grief does weird stuff so AIBU as not thinking clearly?

I’m so sorry for your loss.

My mum died a year ago, and the response from people /lack of response has made me reassess friendships and relationships. Even down to my cousins, one responded came to the funeral the other made no acknowledgment whatsoever. Something in me changed and I realised I didn’t have room for people in my life who couldn’t take 5 minutes out if their day to comment/care. I think life events like this change your view on things and it’s how you move forward. I wouldn’t dwell on their lack of response, more concentrate on grieving and coming out the other side stronger with the right people.

I lost both parents in the last few years and friends have really varied in how they've reacted. None of the examples you gave indicate what I would call bad friends, just people who are busy and aren't 'in it' with you. I'm not suggesting you're wrong to expect cards, but I didn't get any from friends and wouldn't have expected it. I was overwhelmed that a couple of friends phoned me after I told them by text/Xmas card, and a couple of local friends took me out for a walk and coffee and listened while I ranted. But I didn't expect that and wouldn't have expected more. Perhaps because you're especially thoughtful/generous, you expect it more from others.

This...

I have a very loving marriage thankfully, so I'm not alone

And this...

My 'best friend' is the exception to this, I feel I could ring her whenever I need to.

Is all you need. I'm sorry about your mum.

You can count your true friends on one hand I was told once. And that means there will only be 5 people in your life who you can wholly trust. This could be your husband, best friends, parents and a sibling but honestly having a loving husband and a best friend who you can truly rely on trumps have 100s of so called friends

Don't turn this into some sort of personal failing on your part and blame yourself. That would be the most damaging outcome.

This happens to so many people. I messaged a friend a year ago to say my dad had died. She never replied and so we've had no contact since. That is on her, not me.

You've been let down by people who could have offered basic sympathy and connection. It doesn't have to be a nuanced, expert response, just a text keeping in touch as you say.

I can see that it just adds to the disorientation of losing your mum and makes it harder. But truly, this behaviour is about their failings, not yours.

I am sorry for your loss. In my experience I found people would send a message or text saying how sorry they were but unless they have been through the same grief they have no idea that actually the grief can be worse say a month or 3 months later as life seems to move on but your mum still isn't here.

So I am guessing that actually you just need people to acknowledge that it's still tough and not forget?

I agree with pp that people struggle to know what to say to those who are grieving. I have heard innumerable people say that one of the most difficult aspects of grieving is how shit people are in terms of support and it has also been my personal experience. After 10 years of trying for a baby, I finally got pregnant, but after some weeks went on to have a miscarriage and i was devastated. Very few friends reached out and after 6 weeks I finally told my friends how disappointed I was. A couple of them were mortified and rallied, it made our friendship stronger, but most of them fell by the wayside.

Ultimately, we do live in a time where human connection is being redefined (not for the better in my book), and if I'm honest, I think we have lost the emotional capacity to support each other through the hard times.

So sorry for your loss and sorry you are not being supported as you should be.

I've been a bad friend to someone recently in this circumstances. It's not because I don't care, I really do. I just don't know what to say and when I say something it's completely the wrong thing.

Genuine question, what do you want people to say or do?. If you want a card what do you write in it? Some people gloss over it because they are terrible at it. Not because they don't care.

Sorry for your loss 💐

My DM died early May
too.

I've had lots of FB messages but more cards from customers than friends.

People respond and cope
differently.

Grief is personal. It's
different for everyone.

Look after yourself
x

I've had lots of FB messages but more cards from customers than friends.

So people are thinking of you and communicating with you?

I lost my dad earlier this year and I agree it does show you who your real friends are. I had some lovely friends messaging me, sending flowers, some traveling to the funeral to support me. I also had quite a few who knew and didn’t say a single word. Needless to say I’m not keen to keep in touch with those anymore.

I also think people, especially those that haven’t been through such difficult personal loss, are really weird about death. They don’t want to talk about it, they want to avoid even thinking about it, if you don’t specifically start the conversation, they assume you don’t want to talk about it either I suppose. Some of my friends lost their parent before me and once I’ve been through it, I actually apologized to them for not being there for them more (though I did of course always sent a card and told them they can talk to me anytime. Completely ignoring and not even sending a card or a text, there’s no excuse, I agree).

I have explained that I did not expect cards.

I had 2 friends who wanted to confirm my new address to send something and nothing arrived, I assumed a card in those circumstances.

It was not that I expected cards. A text, just "reaching out" (dreadful phrase I know!) would have been appreciated.

Something to not feel forgotten, I guess.

It's funny because 1/4 century on she says to me, god 60 was no age. I think that gives a crumb of insight, she clearly doesn't recall telling me 60 was a 'good' age when my mum died because we were all in our 30's maybe it did seem old then, I dunno. I remember feeling so isolated, no one else had experienced the death of a parent back then.

OP, sorry if I've missed where you gave your age? Could it be that none of them can even begin to recognise how you will be feeling? I'm so sorry for you, it's absolutely devastating xx ❤️

I do get that for those who have never had a bereavement, they don't understand it. And good for them, I hope it is a long time before they have to cope with it.

But I frankly worry that I'm a butch because when it does happen (because, unfortunately, nobody gets away with being untouched by grief in the end) for these friends - I won't be bothering my arse to be supportive.

I feel like I've drawn a line and don't see them in the same way anymore, and it can't ever go back.

That makes me feel like I have hardened in my attitudes and I am not sure I like it, it makes me sad to feel I've changed like this.

Oh for Christ's sake. A bitch. Not a butch.

DH's mum has recently died. We are early 30s so most of our friends have not been through this yet. By and large people have been a bit shit and uninterested. Some were very kind, sent a card but then that was it. Some were so awkward about it they decided to say nothing and act like nothing happened when we saw them- not even a "sorry for your loss".

Life moves on and they don't want to hear about any of it. Everyone has their own shit going on. And you realize you really are alone in the world and family are the only ones you can rely on for support (which is shit for me since I am an only child with zero extended family).

@Morechocmorechoc to be honest, the person who is bereaved is in such a state of trauma that they could just do with kind communication. It doesn’t have to be insightful / meaningful and perfect. Just inject some kindness and love into their swirl of horror. Say nice loving things. Whatever you say may sound trite and platitude to you (as you are not personally in the moment of the all encompassing wave of grief) but they will usually appreciate someone trying to reach out.

This also reminds me of another thing. DH's mum has been ill for years, has been dieing for the last 2 years essentially. The number of 'friends' who asked after he'd visit home (we live abroad so visits home are long and people know about them), knowing full well she was dieing as I told them :"oh how's your mum, is she doing better?". Drove him insane. People are so self centered they just can't or won't process bad news.

There are definitely a few people who I won’t be bothering too much about when they lose a parent.

I'd say 1 & 3 are probably about right from what I'd class as more acquaintances than close friends. They've made the effort to contact you and saying something specific rather than a generic 'I'm sorry.' 1 very well might have sent a card that didn't get to you.

You also might not know exactly what's going on in their lives - if their parents are ill focussing too much on your similar circumstances might be a lot for them.

The other 3 are a bit crap, but overall with a supportive partner and best friend you have more support than many - concentrate on those you do have rather than those you don't.

No, it’s not just you. My friends said kind things as soon as my mum died and some sent cards but it was hardly ever mentioned again. Grief can be a very lonely place and it’s particularly so when people forget about your loss and expect you to resume your life as normal. When my mum died I felt at odds with the world for ages. Something catastrophic had happened in my life and it really wasn’t acknowledged after the funeral. I’m really sorry you have lost your mum. It’s a massive thing and my sympathies are with you.

I understand and YANBU. I am currently going through cancer treatment and the friends I thought would be there for me through anything have basically vanished. My best friend of over 40 years hadn’t been in touch for weeks apparently because she was too busy with work. Too busy to send a text to see how chemo is going? That’s literally all I want - people checking in. It’s so hurtful at an already really difficult time. Luckily like you I have a great partner and some other friends have been wonderful so I focus on the people who are caring and try to ignore those who aren’t - it reflects on them not on me.

Do all these friends know each other or are they all separate? When a friend’s mum died a group of us were warned off contacting her by a close friend who said she needed time to process and didn’t want to speak to anyone. It turned out that was the friend’s idea of what she probably needed and she was so upset that none of us called. We were in our late 20s and none of us had experienced loss of a parent. These days I wouldn’t listen to someone else I would make the call!

My friends were fine but my siblings were crap when mum died.

Im sorry for your loss op.

One piece of advice given to me that really changed my perspective was ‘don’t expect anything from anyone’. Just because I know I would be there for my friends/family during a loss, doesn’t mean I should expect that from someone else. Not everyone deals with it in the same way.
Some people feel awkward, some people haven’t gone through grief and simply don’t know what it’s like. Others are selfish and too caught up in their own world.

It’s a very good advice from @Chipmunk09 She is indeed right that some people don’t know what to say because they don’t have their own experience and some people are just not good at providing support. Some people might have a lot of their own problems, you don’t know. Some people might assume that you have your family, it’s their role and it’s better not to interfere.
People are coping very differently with their and others problems.
After my parent’s death my sibling and my other parent couldn’t understand each other and had a lot of argument’s because they grieved very differently.

I’m very sorry for your loss. Hope you have a lot of lovely memories about your Mum.
She will be always with you in your thoughts.

@Morechocmorechoc There is no right thing to say, there's just caring enough to walk with someone while they are in pain and remembering that their grief won't magically / conveniently disappear after a month or two.

Care. Be present. You don't need to have perfect words because there aren't any.

Op, you’ve said in a few different ways that you feel ashamed / it’s your fault / you feel embarrassed etc that you don’t have friends who have been there for you.

This isn’t shame / embarrassment / blame that belongs to you. None of this is your fault. People can be strange when it comes to grief.

Are you fairly young? I ask because I lost a parent relatively young (I was in my late 20s) and some friends were pretty useless. I actually disengaged from a friendship group because of it, and became closer to another friend because she had been great.

I’m much older now, and a lot more of my friends know what grief feels like, so I think things would probably be different.

I’m not saying forgive them, but young(ish) people who haven’t grieved before probably don’t know what to do or say. We live in a society that doesn’t really normalise or talk about death or grief, which is bizarre since it’s going to happen to all of us!

But definitely let go of that burden that your friends’ reactions are YOUR fault. They’re not. They might be young / afraid to say the wrong thing / naive / avoiding dealing with an “uncomfortable” subject. You’ve got your DH and one best friend to be there for you? And, in time, you’ll collect up new friends along the way and maybe pick some of those friends back up again.

I’m so sorry for you, OP. Grieving a parent is incredibly tough.