My Mum died, are my friends being shit or AIBU?

[amiaworthlessweirdo]

I have a very loving marriage thankfully, so I'm not alone. But in terms of friends I feel quite discarded, but wonder if it's just me being over sensitive due to my head being messed up with the bereavement?

My 'best friend' is the exception to this, I feel I could ring her whenever I need to. We speak every few weeks and it's great. But the fact that all my other friends seem to have discarded me a bit is making it hard to connect with anyone tbh. I feel embarrassed, like nobody wants me around/ can be bothered with me.

Other friends who know my mum died -

1. Old school friend who sent a lovely text message and asked for my new address, I thought to send card, but never showed up. Maybe she sent it I guess but probably didn't? We're not close any more so I get that
2. Recent very close friend, I was her bridesmaid last year did the same thing - made noises about sending a card, but didn't. She was in touch when my mum was in hospice care but then petered out and didn't respond to my last text so when she got back in touch over a month after my mum had died, she thought she was still alive. Texts me when drunk (I think) telling me how much she wants to be there for me, but then doesn't reply for weeks
3. Friend who got in touch when mum was in hospice, said "I'm so sorry, that's awful" and then nothing more - whatever, they were more a light hearted friendship anyway
4. Similar to above but I irrationally am a bit pissed off because when her dog died, I was supportive because I knew how devastated she was. But nothing though she knows my mum was in hospice, and then texted me about something else, I didn't reply
5. Recent close friend who read my message at Christmas about my mum in hospice and just didn't reply. I don't understand this at all, we live in different places now but she again would regularly refer to me as a best/ close friend. I was there for her when her dad got cancer, and though I lived elsewhere was in touch when her sister in law died.

I feel embarrassed, like none of these people care a jot about me and more fool me for even thinking to share the news my mum had died. It's making me feel uncertain in terms of every friendship now.

But grief does weird stuff so AIBU as not thinking clearly?

A bereaved person shouldn't have to chase so-called friends for contact and compassion.

Don’t feel shame OP. Feel angry and let down, that’s the reality. Some people have let you down very badly in a way that has shocked you.

I’m sorry for your loss

Sorry for your loss OP, my DMum also passed away in Dec last year so I understand how you feel. The lack of response from your friends does seem shit... but I would say that perhaps people feel "out of their depth" or it brings home the mortality of their own parents. I don't say that to excuse them for treating you that way, but maybe it helps to understand. I didn't really realise how the feeling is till my DDad passed away then DMum. I hope you have good memories and can think of your DMum in happy times.

They knew your mum was in a hospice, but perhaps they don't know she's died.

Have you told them?

1 probably doesn't know.

What do you suggest I do? Text, out of the blue now a couple of months later saying:

"Hey X, so my mum died a week after you last texted me when I told you she was in hospice. Not heard from you lol oh well guess you thought she made a full recovery!"

I have zero interest in running after them to demand their support. But I'm still hurt by the lack? Maybe I am being U, I don't know anymore.

You’re not being U.

Even if they didn’t know your mum died, a reply enquiring after you and her is the very least to be expected of a good friend and that didn’t happen.

I'm so very sorry, do focus on the people that love and care for you. When my Mum died I'd just moved up north and didn't have anyone nearby to support me during one of the saddest times of my life. My two best friends in London did phone me repeatedly, which helped a lot. Twenty odd years later, I'm lucky I still have these two best friends in London as my husband died recently, I never made a good friend up here, different planets.

The thing is though....they are smart, switched on people. They know she's dead, they know she had not been eating for drinking for a long time from stage 4 cancer and was in a hospice. They know what that means.

They DO know she's dead by now, they're just avoiding it, or else have genuinely forgotten all about it now at this point and didn't bother to get in touch.

Eating or drinking

That's really shit of your friends OP and you are not unreasonable to be very disappointed in them.

I lost my mother when I was 32 and it really clarified who my friends really were. Some were awkward and avoidant and some were amazing. I only got a couple of cards but they were really appreciated and from people I wouldn't have expected cards from. I re-evaluated several friendships after that.

I think those who've experienced it understand, and those who haven't don't.

A lot of people don’t know how to react to death, so they may not know what to say, or whether a text is appropriate. I’m guilty of buying cards for various occasions and never getting round to sending them. Some may be wrapped up in their own issues that your news never really impacted. Your best friend’s there for you so there are people who care. Perhaps don’t obsess on the fact that they haven’t responded how you would have liked and concentrate on grieving your dear Mum and wrapping yourself in your happy memories of her.

Perhaps don’t obsess on the fact that they haven’t responded how you would have liked and concentrate on grieving your dear Mum and wrapping yourself in your happy memories of her.

I'm not obsessing. It's the overall situation as a whole.

I'm really struggling with my grief and trying to work out what relationships are actually worth my time anymore. I have no kids, a small family of origin. NC with wider family who disowned me for a lesbian relationship in my teens. And now feel that friends are quite thin on the ground.

It feels like a pretty barren landscape and is upsetting. There probably is something wrong with me that this is the way my life has turned out so ultimately it is my fault, but I'm still hurt by it.

If you haven't experienced profound grief yourself, it's very difficult to be a good friend to someone who has. I was a shit friend to those who lost parents before I experienced the same.

I'm really struggling with my grief and trying to work out what relationships are actually worth my time anymore.

Just appreciate those who are supporting you and try not to judge those who aren't until you are in a better place. There's nothing anyone can do to make this easier, it's a process and it takes time. It will feel horribly unfair but it isn't anyone's fault.

I honestly think people don't realise how devastating it is. People I thought really good friends, totally ignored it. Then I got cards from friends of DH, which were really thoughtfully written. One woman, who ignored it, whom I'd thought was a good friend, then later distanced from as I was so upset by her lack of care, cornered me in a room years later to tell me her DM had died. She was the most tone deaf person I've ever encountered.

I'd try very hard not to let it upset you. Focus on looking after yourself through this difficult time.

I think you are entitled to judge the people who let you down. Go for it.

OP shouldn't have to, pretty obvious what happens in or after a hospice 😞. So sorry this is happening to you. My mum died a long time ago and I just got the feeling it was sort of irritating, something friends didn't understand. One even told me that 60 was a good age to get to! I mean FFS....

"Hey X, so my mum died a week after you last texted me when I told you she was in hospice. Not heard from you lol oh well guess you thought she made a full recovery!"

It's extremely hard to make enquiries about the dying , to relatives. People just don't know what to say . For distant friends/ people who are not normally in regular contact , its extremely hard to avoid any query sounding intrusive or tactless. They dread any enquiry sounding like "Is she dead yet? "

I'd send a message "It's been a while since we've been in touch, this is just to let you know mum died on date".

Its been just over 2 years since my mother died, and my friendship group has changed a lot due to the responses people showed.

I had all the same thoughts as you, and it does not help that we are bombarded with stories and films about best friends. But in a time when loneliness is an epidemic, there is clearly something going on with how people connect with each other, how much effort they feel they can make and just being able to push through when something makes them uncomfortable. I think most people find themselves feeling very lonely when something bad happens in their lives.

You are not a failure, you are not unworthy and as much as this feels like it is about you and how they feel about you, it really is not. There are a lot of people (the majority?) who cannot imagine pushing through something that makes them uncomfortable, makes them think about their relationships or life, makes them fearful and will deal with that by avoidance. I have since had a chance to talk to a few people about why their responses were so shitty and feel like I can see where they were coming from. Not that I condone it, but some I have been able to forgive. I see it as a chance to rebuild my life the way I want to. My condolences to you OP, and I am so glad you have one lovely friend who is really stepping up for you.

For distant friends/ people who are not normally in regular contact , its extremely hard to avoid any query sounding intrusive or tactless.

But they weren't all distant friends.

Well I mean - they are all distant friends now!

I've been through more than my fair share of grief for my age and I still don't know what to say to someone who has lost someone. However I have learned to be able to say, I don't know what to say, and to listen.

I think a lot of people think if they can't make it better there's no point offering support. When you've lost someone no one can make it better but it's so valuable knowing friends care.

It's not you OP, so many people don't get it.

One even told me that 60 was a good age to get to!

Christ. People are shit.

I understand, I have lost people I thought were close friends when I was going through difficult situations, but I did work out who cared about me though.

Hopefully, this can give you comfort; grief can make other people really ashamed of their own feelings, especially if they are a person that wants to go through life only feeling joyful and happy things. I can assure you that it is nothing to do with your worth as a person. You can get way caught up with the "what's wrong with me" I certainly have done- and it stops you from focusing on your own feelings.

So I say it again, it's not you it's them and their issues- it will still hurt, but you are not unworthy of compassion or comfort or even acknowledgement that you are grieving.

First so sorry for your loss of your mum.

Yes we (grievers) make others uncomfortable- I now wear sunglasses a lot so when people I know look the other way and pretend not to see me - I feel 'shielded' IYKWIM but it hurts (DH died).

I now realise that we, as a culture, do not know enough about grief / bereavement, which is sad as most of us will experience it.

Hopefully, as other previous 'difficult' topics become easier (if the that's the right word) to talk about (menopause, miscarriages) so will grief and bereavement