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Original poster

To have been honest with SIL about her DS5 months

370 replies

queasyjet · 31/05/2023 17:11

I have a very upset SIL on my hands and want to know whether I was being unreasonable for being honest with her after all this time.

She has a 5, nearly 6 month old son. Since having him both her and my brother have been absolutely nuts for want of a better phrase.

No one was allowed to visit until he was 2 months old, my parents were heartbroken (although they were told they could spend £££ on food shopping and drop it off at their door every week of course)

Visits started when he hit 10 weeks, but no one was allowed to hold him, she has read some absolute bullshit online and thinks anyone who touches his cheek will break his face, if you tickle his feet it will cause some form of internal injury, she isn’t the brightest bulb in the lamp so believes any old shit she reads on Instagram.

I can count on one hand how many times my parents have cuddled him, I’ve been allowed to hold him once, my partner hasn’t been given that honour yet and we see them 2 times a week! My grandad was in tears last week as yet again he had been refused to have his great grandson on his lap for 2 minutes. He has held him once.

The family all have views on this but no one has said anything, but my SIL was asking me at a family event yesterday evening why people don’t seem bothered about interacting with my nephew anymore. I was honest and said it’s because no one has a bond with him since we’ve all been held at arms length. I personally no longer care about holding him, which is really sad, but I’ve given up hoping to one day have a nice cuddle or stroke his hair, play with his feet and sing this little piggy etc.

A friend had a child a month after my brother and SIL and my partner and I are so much closer to them as we actually get to bond with her, we are allowed to hold her for hours, feed her, take her out for walks etc. I find it wild how my SIL can’t see a correlation between not allowing anyone to bond with her son and people no longer caring.

she is now upset but in my view she asked and for once I was honest. I’m not sure based on this reaction whether she actually wanted people to chase after her in terms of begging for a crumb, and now people don’t even bother to ask to hold him she is getting out of shape about it.

OP posts:
justasking111 · 31/05/2023 19:56

We had two families traumatic births first mum and baby nearly died. Pre eclampsia. We saw baby once, mummy looked very ill. Luckily her mum was there for her.

Second one very premature so spent ten weeks in intensive care. We Visited once. The first year was a rough ride. Any germs could mean back to the hospital. We wore fresh clothes, washed our hands before hand and when we arrived there. Any illness even a sniffle we stayed away as did everyone. It was so tough on the new parents.

The trauma is real, they can both look back now and talk about it. At the time it was hard.

MsRosley · 31/05/2023 19:56

Your SIL and your enabling brother need help with their mental health issues before they damage their child any further. They need to be told that straight, for the child's sake.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 31/05/2023 19:57

No matter what an OP does or says, they’re wrong. The mob mentality of this place is unreal. 😆

I’m with you, @queasyjet. It’s absolutely bananas. She’s clearly not well, but I think it goes deeper than postpartum as she’s always been so credulous. If you’re happy to, keep a hand in with seeing them and feeding them, but her behaviour and mindset is frankly, frightening.

justasking111 · 31/05/2023 19:58

MsRosley · 31/05/2023 19:56

Your SIL and your enabling brother need help with their mental health issues before they damage their child any further. They need to be told that straight, for the child's sake.

When the second comes along they'll be more chilled hopefully.

IamSlave · 31/05/2023 20:00

Tbh I've only known such extremely form reactions which sound ott when the family is over bearing and doesn't understand any risks at all which makes mum recoil into horror.

Cold sores, not washing hands etc.
I also think it's very small minded to only be able to bind with a child you have held.

Thinkbiglittleone · 31/05/2023 20:01

I do feel for your SIL.
I also think you come across a quite aggressive.

Your SIL had had a very traumatic birth experience and seems to be struggling with anxiety. You or your family do not have the right for this baby to make you feel good by you having a cuddle.
Kids can form perfectly loving bonds with family members without this, so they are not stepping back over no bond, they are stepping back over not being able to cuddle the child, stepping back over their desires not being met.

You sound resentful of your SIL, and to talk about your parents bankrolling her because "you all wanted to send her out to baby groups" is bizzare and sounds a bit controlling. Sounds like you are all trying to make decisions for her, that's not great.
And for your own parents not to trust you with information of your Sils struggles after birth, I would say as very telling. Calling social services ?? Bizzare why they would think that and I didn't buy it's because of a job role.

It's perfectly fine to tell your SIL what you did, I personally think it's a really low move and a bit shitty to someone who is struggling, from your posts here I'm not sure you would have delivered this in a very empathic manner.
You brother is responsible for his family, so if he was happy to sit and watch your grandfather cry that's his decision, that's on him.

readbooksdrinktea · 31/05/2023 20:05

caringcarer · 31/05/2023 17:46

This. Focus on your friend and their baby if you want a cuddle. Perhaps sil will relax as dnephew gets older.

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Agree. It's a shame, but they set the rules and boundaries. Now people are following them. If it's anxiety, she needs a doctor. That doesn't change how the family feels as a result of those boundaries.

DisquietintheRanks · 31/05/2023 20:05

35965a · 31/05/2023 19:21

I think she’s keeping you at arms length for good reason. She sounds very anxious and OTT but your family sound pathetic about ‘not bonding’ with the baby just because you don’t get to pass him round like a parcel.

I don't think they want to pass him round like a parcel, I think they want to pass him round like a baby, you know, for cuddles in a way that's normal and natural in cultures across the globe.

OP just concentrate on friends and other family and leave them to it. Relationships with your sil will never be drama free.

Freeballing · 31/05/2023 20:11

I don't think you did anything wrong, she asked, you answered. It's her choice to keep everyone at arms length, she can't really complain about it. People on mumsnet tend to be very pro keeping family at arms length when babies come along so I'm not surprised by the reaction this thread is getting.

Rubysmama77 · 31/05/2023 20:12

Throwawayme · 31/05/2023 19:27

Some people are giving you a hard time here and you are definitely not wrong or unreasonable. She sounds batshit and your poor grandad. I hope he's okay. I don't blame you for stepping back. I think your brother is just as bad though.

@Throwawayme completely agree with your comment! MN has become such a strange place lately!

LovePoppy · 31/05/2023 20:17

MichelleScarn · 31/05/2023 17:23

This, and I think it's rather shitty that the family rather than showing concern are 'giving up' on them and saying there can never be a bond.

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Totally agree.

though I also think needing to touch someone to have a bond is bonkers.

LovePoppy · 31/05/2023 20:18

Thinkbiglittleone · 31/05/2023 20:01

I do feel for your SIL.
I also think you come across a quite aggressive.

Your SIL had had a very traumatic birth experience and seems to be struggling with anxiety. You or your family do not have the right for this baby to make you feel good by you having a cuddle.
Kids can form perfectly loving bonds with family members without this, so they are not stepping back over no bond, they are stepping back over not being able to cuddle the child, stepping back over their desires not being met.

You sound resentful of your SIL, and to talk about your parents bankrolling her because "you all wanted to send her out to baby groups" is bizzare and sounds a bit controlling. Sounds like you are all trying to make decisions for her, that's not great.
And for your own parents not to trust you with information of your Sils struggles after birth, I would say as very telling. Calling social services ?? Bizzare why they would think that and I didn't buy it's because of a job role.

It's perfectly fine to tell your SIL what you did, I personally think it's a really low move and a bit shitty to someone who is struggling, from your posts here I'm not sure you would have delivered this in a very empathic manner.
You brother is responsible for his family, so if he was happy to sit and watch your grandfather cry that's his decision, that's on him.

👏👏👏

Simianwalk · 31/05/2023 20:19

mincedtart · 31/05/2023 18:41

I have, google clusterfeeding!

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I don't need to Google that joy! 3 babies lots of clusterfeeding days and nights, never topless! One joyful time the 5 week old decided to do it while I was trying to do a day's work. Most the time she was a great easy baby but that day of all days was a clusterfeeding nightmare and I ended up having to present with a baby clamped to a boob!

MXVIT · 31/05/2023 20:21

Poor SIL

Your dislike for her really is dripping out of every post OP and is clearly much deeper rooted than and predates this issue.

Your multiple slights on her intelligence, your view on her as a "Hun" and your insinuation she's grabby re parents money are downright mean.

Supportive much??

Freeballing · 31/05/2023 20:22

LovePoppy · 31/05/2023 20:17

Totally agree.

though I also think needing to touch someone to have a bond is bonkers.

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The OP never said that there could never be a bond so I don't know why you are agreeing with this comment?

I'm really surprised by the amount of people here that would interact with a baby you can't touch and a baby that you can at the same level. There is only so much you can do while hovering around a 5 month old surely? People can happily sit with a 5 month old on their lap for half an hour wtf do you do for half an hour hovering over one with sils beady eyes staring at you to make sure you behave?

SunnySaturdayMorning · 31/05/2023 20:22

queasyjet · 31/05/2023 18:22

My baby was fed on demand, most at 4-5 months don’t demand it more often than that! Formula fed babies of course

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Don’t be ridiculous, of course they do.

My eldest BF every 2 hours for the first two years.

Plumspearsbanana · 31/05/2023 20:23

Totally agree with op, she’s done nothing wrong.

A close family member had a baby last year. She was very standoffish to us all. We all made allowances because obviously having a baby is a huge deal and she was probably hormonal and anxious.

However she just pushed everyone away in the end, she was secretive, abrupt and on occasion down right rude. She was like this before she was pregnant but a whole lot worse after the baby was born.

In the end people just stopped bothering, she upset the entire family with her behaviour. You can’t help or support someone if they won’t let you in and let you help.

In the end my husband told her straight (but politely) why no-one wanted to visit her anymore and she just acted like she’d done nothing wrong and that everyone else was just being horrible to her. Some people are just oblivious to how their behaviour affects others.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 31/05/2023 20:24

SunnySaturdayMorning · 31/05/2023 20:22

Don’t be ridiculous, of course they do.

My eldest BF every 2 hours for the first two years.

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Did you purposefully ignore the last few words of that post? It’s not even a long one.

SnackSizeRaisin · 31/05/2023 20:28

It's her first baby - cut her some slack. She may be a bit OTT but you sound even worse. The baby is only 5 months and you all sound way too intense. I don't think my babies had been held more than once by grandfathers at that age. Nor by other male relatives. I don't think they were that bothered.

5 month olds only bond with mum and dad... holding them might be nice for others but it won't make any difference to a bond. Plenty of time for that in 6 months.

Going round twice a week sounds too much. Give them some space!

I have to say that relatives who were obsessed with my babies and didn't care about how I was post birth just came across as really selfish. It's not about you!

Justalittlebitduckling · 31/05/2023 20:31

She asked; you were honest.

Tohaveandtohold · 31/05/2023 20:31

Well, you told her the truth. She asked and you told her so it’s up to her really. SIL and Bil are like this as well. They live in a different country so we’re not close but we went for a family event at Christmas where the whole family rented an Airbnb together. Let’s just say, that’s the last time I’ll stay over in a place where she is. I don’t care about cousin relation that much.
Their baby is 14 months and as soon as we got there, she told everyone that she does not want anyone to play with him, talk to him or hold him unless we have the baby’s ‘consent’ as that’s what they’ve been teaching him at home. The whole week together was so tense and we were just tip toeing around them because no one basically knew how to relate with their child and the poor baby was just trying to play with everyone as babies do and all she does is just pull him away, cuddle him (while the child just wants her to let go), etc.

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 31/05/2023 20:37

Wow I hadn't picked up that you see him so often without being able to have a hold! Does she just clutch him the whole time they're at yours? Or is she having him in a seat over being held?! Are you allowed to talk to him?!

MakesMeFeelSad · 31/05/2023 20:39

SunnySaturdayMorning · 31/05/2023 20:22

Don’t be ridiculous, of course they do.

My eldest BF every 2 hours for the first two years.

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Every 2 hours for 2 years, well that's definitely not the norm

sandyhappypeople · 31/05/2023 20:40

I think as long as you said it in a kind way, with a kind tone, you were right to be honest with her about what you thought the reason was, but the way you're referring to her on here makes me think that you may have been more matter of fact than that, when really it's not fact it's just your opinion. It sounds to me that you and you're family are upset about her way of going on and are now indirectly punishing her by feigning indifference to the baby.

If your family cared about her at all, they'd accept that she's a nervous mum and work on helping her overcome some of her fears and anxiety, as whatever you & they are doing now doesn't seem to be helping her at all, you could even say it's making her worse, it sounds like she doesn't trust any of you. Maybe she knows that you ridicule her behind her back?

Freeballing · 31/05/2023 20:40

I have to say that relatives who were obsessed with my babies and didn't care about how I was post birth just came across as really selfish. It's not about you!

Since when did wanting to hold their nephew/grandson, stroke their hair, touch their toes, rock them to sleep, whatever other normal interactions people have with babies make them obsessed? People have such odd reactions to everyday normal things. My kids grandmother would have been devastated to think that she wasn't trusted to touch her grandchildren without hurting them. She loved holding and cooing over them, it's totally normal and it's totally normal to indulge grandparents when there in no objection from the kid. She wasn't obsessed she just loved her grandchildren and wanted to have a normal, healthy relationship with them.