To have been honest with SIL about her DS5 months

[queasyjet]

I have a very upset SIL on my hands and want to know whether I was being unreasonable for being honest with her after all this time.

She has a 5, nearly 6 month old son. Since having him both her and my brother have been absolutely nuts for want of a better phrase.

No one was allowed to visit until he was 2 months old, my parents were heartbroken (although they were told they could spend £££ on food shopping and drop it off at their door every week of course)

Visits started when he hit 10 weeks, but no one was allowed to hold him, she has read some absolute bullshit online and thinks anyone who touches his cheek will break his face, if you tickle his feet it will cause some form of internal injury, she isn’t the brightest bulb in the lamp so believes any old shit she reads on Instagram.

I can count on one hand how many times my parents have cuddled him, I’ve been allowed to hold him once, my partner hasn’t been given that honour yet and we see them 2 times a week! My grandad was in tears last week as yet again he had been refused to have his great grandson on his lap for 2 minutes. He has held him once.

The family all have views on this but no one has said anything, but my SIL was asking me at a family event yesterday evening why people don’t seem bothered about interacting with my nephew anymore. I was honest and said it’s because no one has a bond with him since we’ve all been held at arms length. I personally no longer care about holding him, which is really sad, but I’ve given up hoping to one day have a nice cuddle or stroke his hair, play with his feet and sing this little piggy etc.

A friend had a child a month after my brother and SIL and my partner and I are so much closer to them as we actually get to bond with her, we are allowed to hold her for hours, feed her, take her out for walks etc. I find it wild how my SIL can’t see a correlation between not allowing anyone to bond with her son and people no longer caring.

she is now upset but in my view she asked and for once I was honest. I’m not sure based on this reaction whether she actually wanted people to chase after her in terms of begging for a crumb, and now people don’t even bother to ask to hold him she is getting out of shape about it.

@queasyjet

Genuine question for you- since the majority of responses seem to be saying that you've approached this situation wrong (to put it mildly), are you reevaluating your original stance? Or sticking to your guns?

Meh, you can’t complain that nobody bothers with your child if you won’t let anyone get anywhere near/interact with them 🤷🏻‍♀️

But they're not "other peoples babies", it's their grandchild, nephew etc. I've held my DGC, any times, fed them etc. I'd probably cry if I was prevented from holding a new DGC.

That's a perfectly normal familial bond

Actually, hadn't thought of the trauma response but you're absolutely right. In fact, the aversion to her baby being tickled would fit in with this, as I was listening to a woman who had been groomed who said part of it was constant touching and tickling (prior to the abuse) to "normalise" the physical proximity and touch. She then said she couldn't stand for other people to tickle her kids because she found it upsetting.

I'm not saying that's what's happening here, but I think it goes to the point of "you don't know what people are going through" and treating new mums with compassion is best.

When I had my twins (now 4) I wouldn't leave them alone with anyone at all, not even their dad. I was convinced that someone was going to hurt them in some way and didn't trust anyone to be left alone with them. Looking back now, I realise how ridiculous my thoughts were but at the time they were completely logical to me. Having a baby can do crazy things to your mind and can cause extreme anxiety.

Do you think if you had been kinder when telling her the outcome could have been better @queasyjet ?
I think she needs more support rather than criticism, I'd be putting up more barriers too if I were her

That sounds a bit like post natal psychosis, was it? Or just be dry extreme anxiety. We don’t talk about PNP enough, it can be really damaging. Sorry you went through that. X

I think you might be polar opposites - you sound OTT and she sounds too guarded.

I had a very bad delivery with my eldest DC and found it very tough to let others hold them, and for me to be away from them until they were at least a year old.

Thankfully my family were very understanding.

It was hard to explain to other people but to me it made sense at the time. We had no visitors for the first 12 weeks and I wouldn't let anyone kiss them etc. and tbh I didn't give a what anyone thought.

DC and I almost died in delivery, we were my priority. Not upset relatives.

Both my DC we FF and neither of them were going more than four hours between feeds at five months. Youngest was every three hours for such a long time! Every child is different

It’s you who sounds ridiculous. Saying “you deserve each other”?! Would you say that in real life to someone? What a stupid comment you have made from start to finish.

He wasn't born during Covid though if he's 5 months old. My son was and it broke my heart that extended family couldn't see him (except my parents as we formed a bubble when allowed). So DS was about 7 months before he met the rest of the family.
You were right to be honest and it sounds like she wanted people to beg for a cuddle and is pissed off because you don't bother now. I don't blame you. She pushed everyone away and your brother is just as bad for going along with it.

Only on MN are posters so rabid to find fault with an OP, that they will fall over themselves to defend this behaviour from the SIL 😆

If the OP had posted saying it was her behaving this way, she’d have been torn several new ones.

Honestly I really dont know. We went through alot to have them (4 rounds of IVF) so I just put it down to that. It lasted until they were about 1 when I had no choice but to leave them to return to work. Even then, that was only with their dad and I didn't leave them alone with anyone else until they were 2.
It has died down alot but I do still have some intrusive thoughts about them being kidnapped or other bad things happening to them when they are at grandparents. If grandparents are taking them on a train or a ferry etc. I panic about them falling in the water or on the tracks etc. I honestly just thought it was normal anxiety as a parent? I've kind of just learned to live with it now an just have to convince myself to stop catastrophizing everything. But I don't settle til i know they're home safe

I was this person. I had terrible anxiety after dd1 died and didn’t want people to visit or hold my next baby.

Does she allow her own mother/parents/family to hold the baby?

I think she may have post partum depression. She is certainly not behaving normally suggesting touching a foot could cause kidney disease….whats your brother doing? Not much from the sound of it, she needs a GP appointment.

Sorry I have replied abit further up but for some reason the tag didn't work

Oh and I had similar intrusive thoughts to @MrsDSalvatore . I used to think I would leave dc with grandparents for an hour and come home to an ambulance outside. I thought they would fall out the upstairs windows or their pushchair get hit by a car etc.

Only on MN do parents prevent family members from meeting their newborn.

People reap what they sow. “Poor baby” is all I think when I read of parents treating their DC as a pawn in a “game” against their family. There can be no winners. The child will lose out - every time.

You sound really judgemental and I’m not surprised she’s holding you and your family from arms length by what you’ve written on your replies. Your mum trying to get midwife friends to “drop in” on her? Seriously? Just leave her alone and stop sticking your noses in or you’ll just push her and baby away further.

I'm sorry you have them thoughts too, although its nice not to feel so alone 💞 it's awful where your mind can go isn't it, the tricks it can play on you

She obviously has experienced a trauma response, a phobia or severe PND. Maybe just call her back and say it's all ok and start again?

It’s very odd that you were restricting how much your baby fed at 4 months.

YANBU to have offered her an explanation when she asked why everyone was a distant from her DC.

It does sound like she does have PPA. I suffered with it with my youngest, and it can make you incredibly irrational and absolutely terrified. Your DB may be trying to do his best to try and support SILs' decisions regarding their DC. They obviously still want you to have a relationship with the DC, or they wouldn't bother making the effort to come and see any of you.