To have been honest with SIL about her DS5 months

[queasyjet]

I have a very upset SIL on my hands and want to know whether I was being unreasonable for being honest with her after all this time.

She has a 5, nearly 6 month old son. Since having him both her and my brother have been absolutely nuts for want of a better phrase.

No one was allowed to visit until he was 2 months old, my parents were heartbroken (although they were told they could spend £££ on food shopping and drop it off at their door every week of course)

Visits started when he hit 10 weeks, but no one was allowed to hold him, she has read some absolute bullshit online and thinks anyone who touches his cheek will break his face, if you tickle his feet it will cause some form of internal injury, she isn’t the brightest bulb in the lamp so believes any old shit she reads on Instagram.

I can count on one hand how many times my parents have cuddled him, I’ve been allowed to hold him once, my partner hasn’t been given that honour yet and we see them 2 times a week! My grandad was in tears last week as yet again he had been refused to have his great grandson on his lap for 2 minutes. He has held him once.

The family all have views on this but no one has said anything, but my SIL was asking me at a family event yesterday evening why people don’t seem bothered about interacting with my nephew anymore. I was honest and said it’s because no one has a bond with him since we’ve all been held at arms length. I personally no longer care about holding him, which is really sad, but I’ve given up hoping to one day have a nice cuddle or stroke his hair, play with his feet and sing this little piggy etc.

A friend had a child a month after my brother and SIL and my partner and I are so much closer to them as we actually get to bond with her, we are allowed to hold her for hours, feed her, take her out for walks etc. I find it wild how my SIL can’t see a correlation between not allowing anyone to bond with her son and people no longer caring.

she is now upset but in my view she asked and for once I was honest. I’m not sure based on this reaction whether she actually wanted people to chase after her in terms of begging for a crumb, and now people don’t even bother to ask to hold him she is getting out of shape about it.

I think she’s keeping you at arms length for good reason. She sounds very anxious and OTT but your family sound pathetic about ‘not bonding’ with the baby just because you don’t get to pass him round like a parcel.

Sounds like pnd or a trauma response - you don’t know her background.
I was abused emotionally as a child I struggled to let anyone hold my son

If she's going to yours for tea twice a week she may feel like she's done quite a lot to facilitate your relationship (assuming the baby goes with her!) so possibly your comments were very out of the blue.

I would let the feet tickling go. It's so minor in the grand scheme of things and ultimately you need to defer to the parents on parenting decisions like that.

Tbh I think it’s more so they don’t have to cook! As they’re round my parents more than that every week as well!

This

"Never said it was my money? We thought it would help,"

Who is 'we'? How does how your parents spend their money have anything to do with you? You sound so interfering and enmeshed with your parents that it's no wonder your SIL wants to break out of this dynamic.

(P.S I BET it is about money, to a certain extent. They've paid for her shopping, they've paid for her maternity leave and you don't like it. )

*What does that mean? It means based on her specific delivery and needs afterwards I’m not sure how she coped with a baby alone at 2 weeks PP.

She had bad side effects from her spinal so was unable to move her legs for the first 4 weeks, so by ‘not done safely’ I’m pretty sure things slipped when she was alone with him after he went back to work, tbh I’m sure of it based on a few comments from my brother.*

Sounds like your brother is a bit of an asshole then. He could have taken annual leave after his paternity leave to look after his wife rather than leaving her to care for a newborn when she was unable to physically function properly for over 4 weeks.
Of course you seem to be blaming her for this rather than him.

Was about to respond and saw this perfect comment.

OP stop getting bogged down in the "right way/wrong way" (which incidentally is what you are doing with multiple posters here). What PPs are saying is that there are many ways of parenting. Your SIL parents differently from you. She's had a rough time. Her baby is different to your (now much older) child.

Get over the saviour complex and be kind to SIL - it'll repay you much more than the snooty attitude you've got going with her.

Weird you think it’s baby pass the parcel. You think letting a child’s own grandparent have a cuddle during a visit is passing a parcel?

So your parents see the baby all the time and the reality is nowhere near what you make out in your OP. They just don’t think this is enough and clearly feel some sort of ownership due to ‘paying her a salary’ on maternity.

“Never said it was my money? We thought it would help”
No, you never said it was your money but you’re talking as if you have influence or authority over how it should be spent.

If I was SIL, I’d be keeping a distance from you. You are not coming off well here at all.

These comments are almost as ridiculous as your SIL. She’s been insanely precious over her son and you were right to be honest with her about it, especially seeing as she asked you about it! Of course you all have less of a bond with her son if you’re not allowed to hold him. Your poor grandad, I hope he gets to hold him soon!

There are indeed many ways of parenting, not allowing anyone physical contact with your child and then moaning no one seems bothered by them isn’t part of that though.

I’ve never commented to her about her parenting. So not getting bogged down with it.

Just to add here, although tummy time is encouraged from an early and I agree is important for development, it is not always possible.
my little boy was born with a large hernia and could not tolerate tummy time due to this. It caused him a lot of discomfort and there we were not able to do it for longer than a few seconds. Due to him been born a month before covid hit, he did not have his operation to correct his hernia until he was 6 months old. Up to this point, he had little, if any tummy time. He has hit all his milestones perfectly since.
Obviously this isn’t the case with your SIL but some babies aren’t capable of doing things the ‘normal way’.

I’ll also second everyone saying she may have anxiety- I suffered with it terribly after my son was born and was honestly neurotic at times with what I believed.

Having people sobbing at her and guilting her and constantly asking to hold the baby when she's not in a good place is quite aggressive and full-on imo. I would never ask to hold a newborn but would wait until the parent offered.

But given she's coming round so often and seems to want you and the family to interact with DNephew now, hasn't it crossed your mind that this is her way of saying "We're ready now. We can cope with people. I'm in a better place and DNephew is bigger and more robust and actually we do want you in our lives, we were just overwhelmed before"?

Some people are giving you a hard time here and you are definitely not wrong or unreasonable. She sounds batshit and your poor grandad. I hope he's okay. I don't blame you for stepping back. I think your brother is just as bad though.

It’s not my fault you made incorrect assumptions from the original post.

We see him a lot, can’t touch him, hold him, cuddle him, play with him, my dads head was bitten off for stroking his hair.

And my parents think no such thing, projection much.

You're not BU, she asked- you answered 🤷🏻‍♀️ if she doesn't like the answer then she can either suck it up or change how she's acting.

If she doesn't want people holding the baby that's completely her prerogative but she can't be upset when people stop asking or showing an interest.

OP you sound really nasty in your post. It's just a couple of months. SIL sounds like she has postpartum anxiety, very common, and her and your brother have become parents for the first time - it can be a very scary big responsibility keeping a tiny helpless human alive!! Just support them and stop being so judgemental and bitchy. No wonder SIL is so upset.

Tbh I think my brother is worse! And have told him so many times. He doesn’t have the excuse of giving birth somewhat recently!

For heavens sake, the sister in law ASKED!!!

I suspect that this might have started as six of one, half a dozen of the other, with neither side really listening to or respecting the other.

So your SIL is absolutely being over-protective and taking stuff she reads more seriously than she should - as it totally normal for first time mums - and is trying to prove she can do it on her own - also totally normal, albeit frustrating for experienced parents who KNOW the help would, well, help. I would strongly suspect she also feels (correctly) judged, is pulling back from her partners family who have a tendency to interfere; have strong opinions about baby-rearing and aren't respecting their parental decisions. Worse, your brother is taking a back seat, neither supporting his wife or gently challenging her excesses.

You and your family may have started trying to help and been generous with time and money, but now are making judgements and hyperbolic statements (ffs, it's entirely possible to have a great relationship with a baby you've not met for the first year of life, never mind not held for the first 5 months); refusing to allow for any way other than your way, not making either parent feel supported; and breaking the relationship even further.

The difference between your/your family's actions and your SILs is that SHE is the vulnerable one here - she is a new mum; coping on her own; probably with the mental health challenges many new mums face. Sure your grandfather is also vulnerable, but you encourage him to sit next to baby's mum and chat and play with the baby whilst mum holds it? Pass toys or read books to it? Honestly, you'll get much further by respecting her wishes, even if they seem crackers, so that she TRUSTS you all, rather than trying to fight her here.

You’ve commented LOADS about her parenting!!!! And some really horrendous comments are her, calling her ‘mental’, a ‘hun’, unintelligent and suggesting she’s grabby.

Honestly Op, listen to every hear telling you that your attitude is damaging. Your SIL will know what you think of her. She comes to see you twice a week, that’s loads. She is not comfortable with anyone else touching yet, probably because she’s massively anxious Support her instead of slagging her off at every opportunity you get.

Heh, exactly the same reaction here, and for those who don’t already know, you can change your vote on AIBU. I just did.

Having just read a bit more of the thread you come across as aggressive OP.